BPD Fiance, her dad wont support our marraige

[jellybean098]

Me and my partner have just got back from an amazing 2 weeks in Disney Florida, which was made even better after she proposed  :D absolutely over the moon, we've had so much love and congrats from loved ones over Facebook whilst we were away. We got back just over a week ago and have spent the last week visiting all our family, we've had so much support, we've had loads of cards and love, even from my elderly granddad who i was under the impression he was homophobic.

However, the only person who hasn't seemed to great is her dad, who had been very blunt with her over text about it.

We visited her dad yesterday as he is going on holiday as well today and wanted to see us before he went and discuss 'the holiday' and it was very awkward, both him and my partner's step mum looked very uncomfortable and I could see my partner getting more and more anxious.

About an hour or so in, with no comment about anything other than the holiday, Her dad asked 'so what was your favourite part of the holiday' which she replied 'of course the engagement', he went quiet, it got even more awkward, her step mum jumped in to say 'oh yeah, congrats' and his response 'what are you like, bit stingy on the ring' and that was it... .for the whole 4 hours of being there. I know he may have been distracted with the thought of his own holiday etc, but he just made it out like there was nothing to talk about, the fact his only daughter is getting married isn't a big deal. Us going to Disneyworld was more of a big deal. It was the big elephant in the room, when my partner first came out as gay, she was very worried how her dad would react due to his views, but he completely surprised us and has been amazing, he'd invited us on holiday, he's bought me birthday and xmas presents, been invited to family events even recently helped us move home. He's now reacting how it was accepted at the start, my partner just doesn't understand the change and even said it wouldn't be so bad if he was always like this, but he has been so supportive previously, I worry that its the idea of a wedding and that it means its not just a phase, whether he hoped one day it would fizzle out.

My partner's 18 year old brother works with her dad, so she text him to ask what's going on and if anything had been said. It turns out her brother had to 'have words and calm him down' which just verified what my partner was worrying about. Her brother wants to meet up with us tonight to discuss it.

I was up till the early hours trying to calm my fiance down, she's been a mess, crying and is very hurt. She gets worked up very easily and struggles to hand most things, an ounce of anxiety and she'll be worked up for days. So this is just not helpful for her at all, I try and help as much as I can, but this is completely out both our control, if he dad cannot support her and us, it will crush her. She is already heartbroken, a wedding isn't something that happens often and he's making her feel like its nothing and not important. I just don't know what to do, it's devastating.

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[Notwendy]

I am sorry that this is difficult for you and your fiance. Congratulations on your engagement.

First, I wish to state that I think people have the right to be with who they love. Next, I will put on my parent hat- and take the position of the father who may be struggling with the idea and need some time to adjust and decide how he wants to respond.

As parents, we have ideas about our children, but they have their own ideas. Then, parents need to readjust! In enmeshed families, this may be hard or not even happen. This isn't just about marriage, but other things. Dad may spend years imagining that a son will take over the family business, but son wants to be an artist.

I have known parents struggle when their child chooses to marry someone of a different race, or religion, or same sex. IMHO, None of these situations are wrong- but at some point, each of them was a new idea either to society or to parents. Parents worry that their kids will face problems from being different.

In actuality, it is the parents who risk the most from their disapproval. Once a couple is in love, the risk is that they will break contact with the disapproving parent. It is actually our task to let go of our adult children- and accept that they will make their own decisions. However, that doesn't mean we approve of their choices. We do have feelings about this. Some parents do let go/disown the child, but I think this is not the usual case. I have seen parents come around to be accepting when they see their children happy in the marriage.

Here is what I have observed from knowing some of these couples. Relationship health, or dysfunction, has nothing to do with what they look like, or their gender, or their religion, but in the interactions between the two people. Some people marry others very much matched in culture/background and are not happy together. Others are. This is just me.

So here is what I think your task is as a couple. You have the right to love who you want to love. But you don't have the right to expect everyone to approve. Your fiance's father is going to feel what he feels and this is going to make her sad. But it is what it is in the present. You don't know the future. Can you support your fiance emotionally without attacking the father? Can you avoid the potential drama triangle- Dad as persecutor, you two as victim. Or dad and persecutor, fiance as victim, you as rescuer?  Can you be loving to her father while giving him the space to adjust to this new phase of his life? A child's marriage is a milestone for the parents too. What you want is for love to win, but love doesn't win on the drama triangle. Your fiance loves her father, so give him that love, and space. He may or may not come around,  but surely being hostile, making his feelings wrong, won't work as well to achieve that goal as you and your fiance accepting him the way he is just as you wish him to accept the two of you as you are.