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Author Topic: Regaining her trust  (Read 364 times)
Oncebitten
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 627



« on: May 16, 2016, 08:58:09 AM »

Ok so I am in a long term relationship with a wonderful woman who has signs of BPD.  We have been broken up and back together several times.  Never for more than a few days.  We are still currently together right now but she is extremely upset and hurt right now because she believes I don't trust her.  Which is not the case at all, she told me something and asked how I felt.  Told me she wanted absolute, honesty.  I told her it bothered me, made me jealous.  Which some how turned into me not trusting her.  I realize this is most likely a projection  thing, as it is her who has always said she has trust issues and always told me that she can't trust a man 100%.  This is the first time she has accused me of not trusting her... .she refuses to talk to me... .I want to fix this and regain her trust.  How?
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Stalwart
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 333



« Reply #1 on: May 16, 2016, 01:49:58 PM »

Hey Oncebitten:

I think you're in a situation that most of us are so familiar with. Fear of desertion along with a deep-seated predetermined feeling of inevitable failure seems to be a common basis for the pure definition of BPD. Most have lived their lives validating just that feeling and those negative failures and situations in past relationships which only strengthens, deepens and justifies their failures and fears.

Knowing the unescapable intensity of that exact reality in a lot of people with BPD, I can honestly say it must be a really frightening experience to be in a relationship, particularly if there have been the past experiences of break up. I couldn't imagine the time spent, anxiety, frustration and perhaps even self-accountability, remorse and even loathing a person with BPD feels entering into another relationship and risking all to 'try' and find that one situation that may just in some miraculous way work out for them and bring them some happiness and stability. I don't know if any of us can truly imagine the fear, and anxiety and the hours each day a person struggles inwardly with their own insecurities whether we recognize that or not as it's happening - it's a constant to them.

It seems that whether it is you or her, that trust in almost BPD relationships is something that we all have to deal with and handle. I think it's how well we understand the depth and intensity of our partner's real life and desperate fears and 'natural anxieties' that help steer us in our courses to make things better. I say natural, because I think being able to come to an understanding and acceptance of their feelings "they will always struggle with" is really important to both know, understand and accept as being OK. It is their reality as much their understanding of how to live as ours is to us. No rights and wrongs, just acceptance of differences and how we can change ourselves. What can we do to improve that and ourselves in our relationships.  In doing so, we give ourselves the opportunity to affect the environments of our relationship in better ways that lead to our partners with BPD being able to cope better, hope more and perhaps even learn to believe and gain some level of trust and faith. Carl Jung said 'The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed". There's a somewhat undeniable reality to that statement and knowing that and your affect on others is a starting point that can lead one step after another down an entire different path for both of you.

I think the most important thing is to ensure you always live in a style that you can be trusted. Well hey, live by example and if she has questions you're there to live up to them. Will she want access to email and facebook or social networking... .maybe because she will naturally distrust all those things. It's her existence and not really about "She should trust me." given a perfect world she could but she doesn't and may never exist in that perfect world. Hey I know plenty of people without this affliction that don't and can't trust. Put this affliction on top of what's somewhat common and you have an inevitable storm and wind that's as terrible for someone to live with as it is just natural.

I don't know if you can tackle trust head-on. I know I've had to deal with that situation, like most in my relationship and after really bad past situations. I didn't do it by tackling trust head-on. I did have to learn to trust and allow myself to do that again but really it's more about helping her with her trust issues. I used 'icons' to both reestablish a commitment to love, togetherness and also commitment love and trust is only a given part of those things. If she can come to an understanding and trust that she lives in commitment and love and a stable relationship - she can work more easily with less anxiety on her own trust issues.

I started to get her cards from time to time. I get icons, collect hearts of different types and some pictures with saying about love, her beauty, her love. Honestly with shadow boxes of collected cards, printed sayings and others things she can visually see on a constant basis our bedroom is a shrine to her. She can't lay in bed without a reinforcement of commitment, her relationship and being loved in it. It might sound like it's a little much but it's actually done tastefully. It's everything to her and it's made a huge difference in her concentration and ability to believe, trust and to some extent put aside the anxiety of desertion or failure. Late last year she came home with a 'saying' for the wall. The first she's bought. It says "I have found the one my soul loves." It lives on the wall over a closet and hey, it's as important to me that she felt that and did that as it is a reinforce for her.

I really found that the way to tackle trust is to live a life that totally offers being able to be trusted and through the reinforcement of love and commitment. That to me, or should I say to us, have opened the doorway to better trusting.

Just food for thought and the experience of another person who lives  just as do. Hope it helps.





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Oncebitten
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 627



« Reply #2 on: May 16, 2016, 03:12:31 PM »

Stalwart

Thank you for your advice, I have always known that her having complete trust in me may never come.  And I have always been able to deal with that.  By calmly, and daily reassuring her.  By living by example and leaving no question that she could trust me.  But this is new... .her idea that I don't trust her is just no the case... .I trust her immensely... .more than anyone.  How do I prove to her that I trust her.
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Stalwart
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 333



« Reply #3 on: May 16, 2016, 06:11:03 PM »

Hey:

Like I was saying trust is such a difficult thing to approach. Just a little info I went from the bottom pit of hell until I realized what was wrong with my wife and to her accolades she did come around and recognize it and get a diagnosis and is still in continued therapy.

It really doesn't come down to her probably not trusting you. It's the inert feelings that she always suffers with and may always suffer with to some degree. It's about her trusting the stability and longevity of your relationship.

That's why I really don't dwell too much in conversation or ever did about trust issues. I chose to tackle it through ensuring her in different ways that she was loved and solely loved. That in itself over time and patience helped her better trust our relationship.

What is really difficult to understand whether it's verbalized (and usually isn't) just how often and every day they live in doubt of their future stability in relationships and feel they are doomed before they even start.

That's a powerful thing to dissuade in a person when it's their inherent nature. I really find that creating a setting of object constancy with regard to loving her was a real key to success. Does she 100% trust me even though never in my life would I or have I strayed in a relationship? Not entirely. She will still question any contact I have with other females even though they're not in a real personal setting. But it's better now because she accepts the answers.

The real hard part that most of us don't see is how terribly they actually feel about themselves and being deserving inside themselves. That's where her feelings of you not trusting her will probably materialize if there is no evidence of cause. It really is a difficult affliction to fully understand and be able to empathize with.

I'd try the affirmation of ensuring she is stable and loved. That will help with her questioning her future and help her stabilize more with her trust in it. Actually considering the entire situation it can be really pleasant and the outcome can be so positive for them and you.

Hope this helps.
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