Manipulating vacation times

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

The order states that the summer vacations are two non consecutive weeks.

I have first preference in odd years , xh has first in even years.

2014, xh took forever to give his weeks, so I had to ask L what to do. He said to go ahead and plan mine. As soon as I did , next day xh choose his, which conflicted.

2015, right away he states that he is taking two weeks in a row.  Major big cross country trip , he got his two weeks ... .but then had kids at his home for one of the weeks.

2016, he puts on the calendar his first vacation.  Tied to this week he and kids are invited to a wedding ( an older relative's second wedding, third engagement) in same area as he plans his vacation.  So he added on five days.  He needs the kids two days from school for this and stated that he has already talked with the principal of the school and got the ok.  ( everyone at the school knows who I am as I am  involved there) . The trip is up to twelve days , all out of state, plus a day of kids regular schedule with him. 13 days.  He classifies the five day wedding as not included in the vacation week. 

I talked to my L , he said no he is not allowed that. Unless I tell him that this is his two weeks and  no more for the summer.

So I did , I kept it short and to the point. L stated that I add the court order rules on vacation.

Xh emailed back telling me that he will bring  up my concerns with his L .

I sent one back, debated heavily if I should of or not. I said , That's fine , I had already spoken with my L .

Xh replies back that he talked to his L before I talked to mine. And no changes for his 12 day trip.

Every summer this happens as Thunderstruck said. 

I show a boundry , with L's approval, and simply state the order,  but xh's going to do what he wants anyhow.

He did this to me when we were married.   My one week to visit my family was sabotaged every year.  He never paid for those trips, nor helped. 

Kids tell me nothing . I asked who is getting married . Their first answers were that they didn't know. But I had to ask more, till I got an answer. 

[whirlpoollife]

The order states that the summer vacations are two non consecutive weeks.

I have first preference in odd years , xh has first in even years.

2014, xh took forever to give his weeks, so I had to ask L what to do. He said to go ahead and plan mine. As soon as I did , next day xh choose his, which conflicted.

2015, right away he states that he is taking two weeks in a row.  Major big cross country trip , he got his two weeks ... .but then had kids at his home for one of the weeks.

2016, he puts on the calendar his first vacation.  Tied to this week he and kids are invited to a wedding ( an older relative's second wedding, third engagement) in same area as he plans his vacation.  So he added on five days.  He needs the kids two days from school for this and stated that he has already talked with the principal of the school and got the ok.  ( everyone at the school knows who I am as I am  involved there) . The trip is up to twelve days , all out of state, plus a day of kids regular schedule with him. 13 days.  He classifies the five day wedding as not included in the vacation week. 

I talked to my L , he said no he is not allowed that. Unless I tell him that this is his two weeks and  no more for the summer.

So I did , I kept it short and to the point. L stated that I add the court order rules on vacation.

Xh emailed back telling me that he will bring  up my concerns with his L .

I sent one back, debated heavily if I should of or not. I said , That's fine , I had already spoken with my L .

Xh replies back that he talked to his L before I talked to mine. And no changes for his 12 day trip.

Every summer this happens as Thunderstruck said. 

I show a boundry , with L's approval, and simply state the order,  but xh's going to do what he wants anyhow.

He did this to me when we were married.   My one week to visit my family was sabotaged every year.  He never paid for those trips, nor helped. 

Kids tell me nothing . I asked who is getting married . Their first answers were that they didn't know. But I had to ask more, till I got an answer. 

[Thunderstruck]

I totally understand the summer vacation drama!

We were fighting over the two week period. It caused huge drama and was a big pain. This year we said "let's just get rid of it". DH is kind of sad because it means that we don't get a two week vacation, but it's nice to not have to go through the big pain of trying to get a schedule settled on.

I hate how something so minor as picking a vacation can blow up to be a huge drama. We have to get a very rigid schedule to avoid all of this.

I think you are perfectly right to stick to that boundary. Tell him to choose... .either shorten the trip to 7 days or this will be his two weeks and that is that. It's his choice.

[whirlpoollife]

Thank you Thunderstruck for the understanding. I called my L. But no response, yet, I'm hoping. Without the intervention of an attorney , xh will do what he wants.

I scratched any vacation trips this year.

Xh follows his court order three times a day calls to both kids on our trips. It's like he's there finding out everything.   Plus paying xh his support and the legal fees that came with that , used up the money . Sad but it's just not worth it.   

[Godslove]

I feel for you. No matter how strongly and firmly we respond, they seem to do whatever they want and the manipulation does not seem to end.

[Thunderstruck]

Thank you Thunderstruck for the understanding. I called my L. But no response, yet, I'm hoping. Without the intervention of an attorney , xh will do what he wants.

I scratched any vacation trips this year.

Xh follows his court order three times a day calls to both kids on our trips. It's like he's there finding out everything.   Plus paying xh his support and the legal fees that came with that , used up the money . Sad but it's just not worth it.   

3x/day for phone calls is pretty excessive.

I hate when there is "wiggle room" in the court order. They put it in expecting that the parents can reasonably discuss and agree to things. Well... .you just can't be reasonable with an unreasonable person.

Do you think having set weeks each year would work better? Maybe xh will feel he won if you make the weeks during a holiday (like the 4th of July if you live in the US).

What is the regular kids schedule during the summer?

[whirlpoollife]

Thanks to both, this is on my mind.

The weeks in summer stay on the same schedule. He has kids three four day weekends.  Vacations are two non consecutive weeks... .anytime so it can override weekends. He has preference in even years on his weeks.

Hind sight , set vacation weeks were needed in my case. I talked my L yesterday, he told me he can't do it and to tell him. I did and of no use.  He said is going to talk to xh's L and get right back to me, Im still waiting.  Basically it's up to me to enforce the order.  I will have to give the school , again , a copy of the order and tell the principal he cannot give xh permission to take kid out of school.

It's my weekend that the wedding is on .  I have always granted the kids to him for his family events if they fell on my weekend. None were overnights.

I have three more years of this .  To change the order would probably take longer . I will ask my L though , if he calls back.

I don't what to do, send an email to xh stating ( my boundry ... .following the order) that he does not get kids till the start of his vacation week, Sunday , after the actual wedding. If I tell the kids what he is doing... .then what, all they have to do is leave. s17 drives and D 15 will follow. I can't physically stop them.  And they are still very enmeshed with him.

If I let it go,  I'm screwed because he is going to this again and more so.  But if I don't respond and fight back , ( like said in another post... I dit know how to paste the quote here) imaybe that would upset him more idk.


The phone calls are excessive. At the start the order was ... .reasonable time for calls. He stayed on the phone for hours per child everyday , calling again at 11pm.  I would of been laughed at if I didn't bring in copies of the phone calls to prove it. So I had to compromise from his hours to the three times , with limits.  And a I have to enforce it every time to kids that his time is up otherwise he will keep them on the phone.