help

[GumBell]

dont know where to start this.

10 years married, 4 young kids.

ive read posts on another forum that describe to perfection the characteristics my wife displays. typically after a period of 'good times' maybe on or just after a particularly enjoyable weekend or night out she will pick a fight over something trivial like missing a call, being a minute late etc and explode. there will be a relatively short argument followed by 3-5 days of misery in which she will refuse to talk to me, undermine me with the kids, slam doors, break stuff, sleep on her own etc. if i try to talk her down im called an ass who trivializes everything... .she has learned over the years that my pet hate is 'silent treatment'. every holiday we have starts in the same way and takes at least a week to recover the situation and get the holiday back on track. These episodes have been going on for years but recently its becoming much more frequent ... probably happening twice a month ... .i.e. we spend half of the month not talking. Last episode shes also threatening to cheat/leave and has openly said shes only with me because of the kids. as the episodes have become more frequent i am becoming more and more frustrated and less able to be paitent with her / the situation and am having trouble controlling my temper and stopping the frustration from boiling over ... .although i know i must.

All of her friends love her and she is very dynamic, beautiful and the life and soul of the party. Her behaviors would be an incredible shock to them if any of them seen it. she loves the children.

I lover her deeply and want to help her ... .but dont have a clue how to. knowing her well she will never admit there is a problem ... .she will never step foot in any form of counseling - as far as shes concerned it is everyone else that is pissing her off so why would she need help about that.

dont know where to start.

any advice would be appreciated, thanks.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi GumBell and

boy your story takes me back. i felt like my relationship went in cycles, and i frankly lost myself trying to predict them, or prevent them from taking a bad turn; it was exhausting. add regular silent treatment, and undermining you in front of your kids, and its remarkable (and you should be commended) that youve controlled your temper.

there are specific tools (communication skills, validation, boundaries, timeout, etc), that can help improve your situation, and give you a lot of room to breathe, which i imagine youre yearning for. you cant read it all in one night, and they will take practice, but a good place to start is with the lessons which you can find directly to the right.

and of course it helps to talk. i am confident many members here can relate to your story, and different perspectives from those who have walked in your shoes can be invaluable. we are here to help every step of the way