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Author Topic: Boundary or insecurity?  (Read 393 times)
waitingwife
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« on: May 17, 2016, 07:03:39 AM »

Hi All,

I have been working on the lessons and applying it within my marriage. It is really helping me and at the same time I am trying hard to overcome my codependency. Practicing mindfulness is helping me take thst pause before reaction or formingan opinion. I have not yet reached my goal but I am making a lot of progress so I'm hanging in there.

Now my only brother also has codependent traits and I am not sure how much of that within his marriage but he is dealing with a delusional bipolar wife who doesn't know her boundaries due to her sickness. My brother is a laid back person who has not seeked help inspite of me suggesting it to the both of them.

My bipolar SIL is in her manic episode with delusional grandiose so she is trying to approach my D5 to take her to play dates and my uBPDH after contacting all my friends and telling them her sob story of being oppressed by her family. Well, I felt bad and insecure when she went around contacting my friends but when she tried to ask my D5 directly about taking her to some monastery, I put my foot down and said you cannot ask my D5 or take her any place without asking me or my husband and from now on, please plan it out with us whatever you would like to do. She is badgering me from all sides... .Now she texted my H saying can we meet before you leave for your travel because I'd like to treat you for introducing me to meditation. I got so so badly triggered that I had an anxiety attack. I told my H thst it is my boundary and I don't want him to meet her or have anything to do with her. I feel like she is treating my H and me as 2 different people instead of 1 family and I feel hurt & disrespected. I trusted my SIL for 14 years and thats a long time. She has not been sleeping for 1 month and she forms these schemes to self-validate herself in all possible ways... .And very arrogantly too... .So I decided tonstep out of her way to avoid any more harm to our relationship than what has been caused due to her mania. But that is not keeping her in her tracks, she is testing my boundary by checking on my H. My H was considering to meet her for coffee and I told him very straight that I would really not like him to do that because I want her to know that we're one strong family and she doesn't have any secret entry point. H was the calm one here and said don't worry, I'll not respond to her. I feel so blown away by her disrespect towards my boundary that I feel like punching her in the face and telling her to go talk to a therapist but she has God complex and says all her healing is done through watching videos.

So I am calling my therapist to make an appointment to see her as soon as I can. My H said please don't call SIL and say to stay out of my family business which I am so tempted to. I told him that I am meeting with my T and he asked me if itnwould be okay to tell my SIL that we both would like to meet her & my brother. I said yes, that would be okay coz that tells her that we're one strong family and she cannot bypass me and badger my immidiate family member. But I told herI would like to meet them only after meeting up with my T.

My SIL was my confidante coz she seemed like a strong pillar of support so I feel blown away at her schematic ways and how did I not see through this. I blindly trusted my brother's choice and mended my ways to have a good r/s with her coz I had this blind love for my brother back in the day when I was in my teens and early 20s.

Any perspectives until I meet with my T?
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waitingwife
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« Reply #1 on: May 17, 2016, 07:51:56 PM »

I just took it easy and had a very productive day so I feel much less triggered but I'm still angry at SIL. I had told H that when he tells her that we both can meet her, she will say that she prefers to meet him alone. And thats what she texted him word to word. So he told her we're busy and can't meet her alone right now. He said she stopped badgering him but I really have this urge to get to the votton of it and stop her in her tracks. Upon talking with my brother, he justifies all her abuse by saying she is sick and he has a plan and experiment that he wants to try to save his marriage. So I told him, my ways are going to be different if she encroaches my boundary and that I really want him to know that I love him and will always be available to him even though I cannot stand her for now
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waitingwife
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« Reply #2 on: May 19, 2016, 07:37:58 PM »

Okay, I met my therapist and after a heart to heart discussion, we concluded that Inhave to deal with my codependency control issue. My anger & resentment comes from my brother's family not going counselling Or any one of them getting help.

I'm planning to have a talk with my SIL and tell her that I felt really hurt when she called me the perp to bring about her depression and that it's a shame she blames me for her problem. I'm also going to say I might have triggered your problem but I am not the origin of it. I was in a spot where I just listened to her when she gave me a earful to avoid a conflict and bottled those feelings and let them turn into anger and resentment.

I have also been like a surrogate husband to my SIL to fulfill what my brother lacks to keep their balance and that must be due to codependency issues of my own and being married to a BPDH.

We also talked about letting my H meet her coz if she wanted to communicate with him, she could even write to him or text him whatever the heck she wants... .I should not be coming in between them... .If she talks about me then I trust my H to defend me by giving her a united front and if he doesn't and believes her then it's on him... .And she wasn't worth trusting for so many years.

So it's not like I feel a whole lot better but I can see more clearly now... .The work ahead is hard and tough love is very hard... .Relationship conflicts are not my favorite... .
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waitingwife
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« Reply #3 on: May 20, 2016, 01:50:16 PM »

Bumping
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atomic popsicles
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« Reply #4 on: May 24, 2016, 10:21:46 PM »

I don't have any words of wisdom, but I am in the same boat in some ways. I just posted about how to be happy and not isolate me... .but codependency is a huge issue for me. I try to work on it and boom... .I slide back.

My H also has some really wacky family stuff. Honestly, I stay out of it. I do not have a real relationship with them and drama like you have is why. I'm an only child,  so it isn't the same... .and it is my husbands family... .but what I have discovered is that if I get involved I lose.

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waitingwife
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« Reply #5 on: May 25, 2016, 06:53:42 AM »

Now I tried asking my SIL to meet outside to see if she has any insights or ideas to make the awkwardness between us better but she refused saying if you want to talk then it has to be with your brother around so you have to come to my house. I refused and texted her my side of the conversation and wished her peace & wellbeing in her journey. She is presenting a united front when it comes to her family so I am wondering how wrong/insecure would it be to say to her - Treat my family as 1 unit and not bypass any members? Since Inam dealing with overcoming codependency, I keep pulling myself back from my autopilot reactions.

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formflier
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« Reply #6 on: May 25, 2016, 12:37:54 PM »



Your SIL certainly sounds like a perplexing and difficult person to deal with.  Difficult people can be hard to deal with.

Why tell your SIL anything at all?

Is it your "bag of monkeys" to deal with?

How does what your SIL thinks or believes matter to you?

Focus on you and your emotional energy.  Much better to "practice" your boundaries than to try to explain or tell them to another person.  Especially when the moment has passed.

I'm very glad you are discussing this with a T AND that you are discussing it here.  Very wise move.  We and your T can help you make more emotionally healthy decisions.  

FF
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waitingwife
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Posts: 204


« Reply #7 on: May 28, 2016, 09:10:16 AM »

I would love to share how we came to a closure with regard to this situation with the help of my T. Having a guide when the water gets murky is so important. So I reached out upon my T's insight even though at that time, I couldn't see the big picture but I have immense trust in my T coz I know her for 3+ years and she has only helped me to lead a fuller and happier life. So I reached out and set a boundary by saying it has to be between the 2 of us. SIL tried hard to push my boundary by nasty texts, delusional panic attack where I helped her to grt to the hospital and was present for my brother for any support they needed with hospital or the kids. In the hospital, she was major blame shifting and calling names but I built a mental wall between me & her coz I had to be physically present in the room for the psych evaluation. I told the psychiatrist my conderns when I was asked and they strongly rx her to seek help.

At this point, I was feeling really good about myself coz I tried to reach out and did not do black & white thinking of tossing my SIL out of my life when I saw dysfunction & running away with fear which is my autopilot and "reaching out" was tthe good feeling my T was offering me to fall back on when things spiral out. Now I could see the clarity in communication and I had that aha moment.

After 3 days, my SIL reached out and adjusted her loud talking at me tone and anger. We got to discussing what our new normal can be. As usual with her impulse control issue, she wanted to go all out and be like before but I said I'd like to take it slow and I'm a person who likes to brace myself. But we are in talking terms and I am concentrating on my life for now... .Gave them the names of good therapists and marriage counselors and washed my hands off their pain!

I couldn't have done this without my Therapist's help and I am really hoping these communication skills and clarity come more naturally to me with practice.

Just wanted to share the end with you all!
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