Can someone with borderline change without therapy

[confused73]

I have been with my husband for 20 years and I found out he has been casually hooking up with people I have suspected for a long time but never had anything solid just alot of little clues and a sick to my stomach feeling he has never been honest about anything that has to do with sex even between us he can't be honest it took me leaving him to finally admit that he masterbates but says he has stopped and said he don't even like the word I told him I don't want him to stop it is a normal part of being a sexual being just not to lye to me.But the kicker is he is still masterbating and lying about it. So with all the discrepancies that have came out which he is in strong denial about even though I have recordings of it he tells me it is not real I almost feel like he is trying to brainwash me.So can I really trust him when he says he seriously wants to change he wants nothing more out of life then to be with me and he wants to be completly transparant.I should also add that he is a truckdriver home every night but there is some serious evidence that he is bi(when he was over the road for 7 months he brought a pair of mens pants and underware home in his dirty clothes there is more evidence he is bi but this is one of the things I have witnessed) and he masterbates in his vehicle alot.I feel like I am trapped in  a situation I can have no resolution from

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[C.Stein]

Hello  ,

I can understand the doubt and confusion you are feeling.  Knowing in your gut something is not right but never being able to completely know for sure.  This was my entire relationship with my exBPD.  My gut instincts said she was not being completely honest with me at times, little signs that something was not as she made it seem.   I always ended up giving her the benefit of the doubt but those gut instincts never went away.

The brainwashed feeling is known as gaslighting.  It can really mess up your head, causing you to doubt everything. The lying that your husband is doing could be due to many different reasons.  With a pwBPD one of the those reasons would be to avoid shame, which could also be the reason why you husband is lying.

What makes you think he suffers from BPD?    

[ForeverDad]

Can someone with borderline change without therapy?  One of the pioneers on BPD recovery, Marsha Lineham, a few years ago revealed that she herself had suffered from it and and recovered.

www.psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2011/06/27/marsha-linehan-acknowledges-her-own-struggle-with-borderline-personality-disorder/

However, by all accounts self-recovery is an exceedingly rare accomplishment.  Generally, for most people, long term experienced and trusted guidance is required.

• A person must first stop the Denial and Blame-Shifting.  How can a person recover if there is no problem or it is someone else's fault?



• A person should have guidance - intensive or meaningful therapy is crucial.



• A person must diligently apply the counsel in life, perceptions and behaviors.



• A person must stick with it for years - there are no "quick fixes".

Do you see that?

[confused73]

He has never been formally diagnosed and refuses because he does not want that on his record but he fits alot of the traits to a t he took an online test and it came back severe he says he don't think he is severe but in the middle I used to think he was narcissistic, passive aggressive and a sex addict, but learning about BPD and reading the posts it really fits.I guess I just wanted some hope that he could change on his own because he seems so sincere even though he cannot come clean and face his other side. Even though he has hurt me and I have been confused for the last 10 years I can't seem to hurt him (leave him) he puts me on a pedestal to my face and hates the hell out of me behind my back.I genuinely care about him but I can't stay and I don't know how to leave.

[ForeverDad]

Have you pondered the 5 stages of grieving a loss?  Where would you place yourself?  Have you come to "acceptance" yet?

PERSPECTIVES: The Five Stages of Grieving a Relationship Loss

[confused73]

Wow I have been in a circle of the first 3 stages for several years I just hit the stage of its really over but it is extremely hard for me to accept.

Do you have any suggestions on how to start moving forward