Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 08:58:41 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Depression = 72% of members
Take the test, read about the implications, and check out the remedies.
111
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: endless lecturing  (Read 386 times)
quietplease
Fewer than 3 Posts
*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Posts: 2



« on: May 17, 2016, 04:11:10 PM »

I am a new member... .first post.  I have been married for a very long time... .48 yrs... .to the same man.  Our relationship is mostly good... .much in common, enjoy spending time together, both in good health. But, about once a week he goes into lecture-mode, usually lasting at least an hour and sometimes 2 or 3... .over anything... .tube of toothpaste, banana peel... .whatever.  As he loops he becomes more derogatory in his comments and by the end becomes quite verbally abusive. In all of this time I have not been able to find a method of stopping him without just making the situation worse.  I would like to take control of my life back without throwing away a long and valuable relationship. I am sure that I have contributed to the situation by not taking a stand early in our relationship and am hoping that it is not too late to improve things now.  Any help will be greatly appreciated.
Logged
PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Herodias
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1787


« Reply #1 on: May 17, 2016, 04:35:46 PM »

Oh boy... .that's a tough one. That's a long time to be married-congratulations! I would have to say if it has been going on this long it is going to be hard to stop. I would say treat him like you would a noisy child and just drown out the sound... .if you know what I mean. Does he insist you listen? Is there any dementia going on? ear plugs ; )   Can you read a book while he is doing this or will he get mad? What have you tried... .?  Have you tried validating him, so he knows you have heard and agree? You have to try all options here... .Hope it gets better.
Logged
john83

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 48


« Reply #2 on: May 17, 2016, 04:38:56 PM »

I am a new member... .first post.  I have been married for a very long time... .48 yrs... .to the same man.  Our relationship is mostly good... .much in common, enjoy spending time together, both in good health. But, about once a week he goes into lecture-mode, usually lasting at least an hour and sometimes 2 or 3... .over anything... .tube of toothpaste, banana peel... .whatever.  As he loops he becomes more derogatory in his comments and by the end becomes quite verbally abusive. In all of this time I have not been able to find a method of stopping him without just making the situation worse.  I would like to take control of my life back without throwing away a long and valuable relationship. I am sure that I have contributed to the situation by not taking a stand early in our relationship and am hoping that it is not too late to improve things now.  Any help will be greatly appreciated.

It's interesting that his 'lecture mode' seems to be a cyclical thing, and can involve anything and everything (so don't take it personally!).

Reverse the roles: Imagine that he continued to do something that irked you despite him being fully aware of how it made you feel... .that would be frustrating to say the least a) because it demonstrates thoughtlessness, or a 'couldn't care less' attitude towards your feelings and b) could even make you feel like he was doing it on purpose to get a rise out of you... .neither of which are particularly desireable in a relationship.

Have you asked your partner directly how it makes him feel... .does he think you're being thoughtless or coniving?

One thing to observe... .when exactly does his lecture mode start? Is it usually on the same day of the week? around the same time?... .make a note of it and see if there's a distinct pattern, because it may be food related or something similarly unexpected.

It's a shame if it doesn;t get resolved because these little things can pull you under... .

In his later years, my dad used to have a ritual every morning, whereby he read out loud the most depressing stories in the newspaper to anyone within earshot... .after years of this I finally plucked up the courage to say I didn't want to hear it as it wasn't the best way to start the day... .he never did it again!
Logged
ForeverDad
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18073


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #3 on: May 25, 2016, 01:32:16 PM »

Setting firm boundaries will help.  Better late than never.  However, after all these years you know two things: (1) He will not change on his own and (2) Firm boundaries for yourself is crucial but will be hard to implement, especially at first.

Boundaries are for you, that is, what you will permit.  Telling him what to do or not do seldom gets good results, so focus on Your Options.  For example, some suggestions are that when a 'rant' starts (knowing you can't do anything to divert it) then state you're leaving to go shopping, see a movie, eat at a restaurant, visit a neighbor or even just relax at the library or local park with a good book.  Tell him to call you when it's calm enough to return.

Though you can't reason with someone when they're not listening, a few times with this approach (no audience) may have an impact.  This won't get fixed in a few incidents or a few weeks.  You'll have to keep up your newfound boundaries, expect they'll be tested often, especially at the start.  For example, once he sees your tactics, then he'll choose to rant when he thinks you won't or can't leave.  Then you need to determine how best to handle the new situations.
Logged

quietplease
Fewer than 3 Posts
*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Posts: 2



« Reply #4 on: May 31, 2016, 09:47:33 AM »

Thank you, Herodias, John83 & Foreverdad for your replies.  I have tried everything I can think of... .saying nothing, which causes him to go ballistic... .arguing, in which case he always prevails... .walking away, which drags the situation out for days.  One major problem, I think, is in the way we were raised.  He grew up with a violent mother who thinks that screaming and yelling at her children... .calling them names & telling them that she hates them... .is quite ok, since she was just stressed at the time.  I was raised by my mother... .widowed before I was born... .a peace loving woman who never yelled and taught us to think before we spoke because "angry, hurtful  words can never be taken back once they leave your mouth".  Therefore he thinks that yelling is just natural "venting" and I think it is totally inappropriate... .an impasse to say the least.  I don't see any time pattern to his ranting... .could be first thing in the morning or just before going to bed, although he seems to pick times when I have a time pressure... .like just when I need to begin cooking dinner, minutes before I am leaving for an appointment, etc. I think because it makes me appear inconsiderate if I say that I can't talk about it anymore at that time.  I know that I need to establish boundaries, although it is a little late for that!  I have to say that just posting about this plus reading some of the articles on this site have helped me already... .we just returned from a week long rv vacation and there were several incidents... .instead of just thinking that he was being mean, controlling and abusive, I was thinking that he was actually sick.  By the end of the rant when he looped around to how it was actually my fault and that I made him act that way, I refused to buy into it in my mind... .big improvement for me. Thanks!
Logged
ForeverDad
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18073


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #5 on: May 31, 2016, 11:18:52 AM »

It sounds like he's choosing No-Win scenarios at times where you will feel 'stuck' and unable to overcome his ranting and raging.  Whether he is conscious of his choices really doesn't matter, as an adult he has the power to use self control.  On the other hand, you can't make him do (or not do) anything.  With that in mind, ponder what you can do since that is in your power.

It is not surprising that he's not listening to you when he's ramped up.  It has been noted that the worst of the BPD behaviors are more evident the closer the relationship.  After all, it is a often described as a mood dysregulation disorder of close relationships.

Your relationship has reached a point where he may not listen to anything contrary to his perceptions.  There's just so much emotional baggage that your points get lost or even twisted and used against you.  Perhaps a neutral professional such as a therapist may make some progress with him, but your history of a deeply emotional close relationship creates or triggers a barrier that you by yourself may not be able to surmount.

Is he amenable to seeing a therapist?  (I mean, for intensive therapy and not for blamefests against you.)  It is exceedingly hard for a pwBPD to set aside the Denial and Blame Shifting.  But if he can do it and diligently stick with it then there is hope.  If he cannot or will not do it or if he bluffs his way through it... .
Logged

ColdEthyl
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married 2 years
Posts: 1277


« Reply #6 on: May 31, 2016, 02:49:22 PM »

48 years! congrats!

My husband does these. I am still working on this one, myself. Usually, he does it when he's upset or has been lonely all day. Sometimes, I just grab a book or my phone and do my own thang... .politely nodding and periodically repeating what he said to me to validate I'm listening to him.

He does the same thing though... .talking for hours, repeating himself over and over to 'make his point'.
Logged
atomic popsicles
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 137


« Reply #7 on: May 31, 2016, 09:58:28 PM »

Mine does the same thing... .but about delusions... .I haven't been able to figure out how to stop it either.
Logged
isilme
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 2714



« Reply #8 on: June 17, 2016, 02:52:26 PM »

H does this time to time, and we've only been together 20 years, so you're doing really good Smiling (click to insert in post)

I think of it as "falling down the rabbit hole or drain" of dysregultion, and sometimes can figure out why it's happening, and sometimes can't.  For him, it often coincides with being hungry, or very tired.  So for him, in a way, when you see an energetic toddler and you know they really are gearing up to need a nap, his emotional state gets like over energized, and since his whole BPD revolves around not being good at managing emotions, I can be like, "ok, he's tired/hungry, how can we head this off with food/sleep?"

If he builds enough momentum, it just has to run its course, sadly.  At bedtime, this can be really, really annoying, but since I got a fitbit and can SHOW him my lack of sleep is not imagined with some quantitative data, he's actually become more cognizant of how he affects my sleep.  It's not always helpful, but it's something.

If I can manage to validate in a way that helps him feel heard, he seems to not need to ramp it up.  And I've been trying really hard to not take it personally anymore - that just leads to me trying to defend against things that really don't matter.  I don't know if this makes sense, but yes, been there, with his level of emotion growing as he circles the drain, going around and around, faster and faster.  I think it really has little to do, often, with the topic at hand (toothpaste, other household minutia), and more to do with some internal unease he can't quantify.  Also, I've learned over the past 10 years that he had almost NO internal monologue.  Like, he does not do well discussing things in his head, and needs to voice them aloud.  We all do, and I am often happy talking to myself  - grew up an only child, so to me, venting to walls and cats is normal.  For him, a human being MUST be present for him to be able to get it out of his system.  Otherwise, it festers and grows, and later can blow up.  And guess who the human most accessible happens to be?

So with that new knowledge in mind, it helps not take too much of it personally.  Which in turn, helps me be more mindful about my validation, which can help stop the trip down the rabbit hole.
Logged

Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!