Should I let him leave?

[MrsTrigger]

I am married (less than a year) to someone who has recently been diagnosed with BPD. Today was his first appointment with a therapist who specializes in DBT and I am hopeful that the therapy will help restore life to my husband and save our marriage. As much as a positive step I believe this is, every therapy appointment (previous ones were not BPD specific) triggers an episode. Knowing that an episode was brewing, I took the steps (determined by both of us beforehand) to minimize any harm to himself. (Previous suicide threats, 5150, DUI, alcohol, bars, motels, etc). I have all vehicle keys, pocket knives, medication, cash, credit cards and his wallet. I also gave him one of his stronger anxiety meds when he finally returned back home so he could take it and retreat to the bedroom alone.

Until we are able to learn skills to help the situation during episodes, I am struggling with how to handle his requests for me to hand over his keys and wallet. Previous episodes have had pretty bad outcomes from finding him at a bar and cutting him off, finding him at a motel and later learning he had been  texting/calling escorts, DUI and two calls to the police to prevent possible suicide. If has access to his car and money, I know that eventually he will give in to the urge to drink which always leads to something bad. This evening, he implied that he was tired of living this way and was ready to end the relationship. He just wanted his keys and wallet so he could go. I refused and reminded him of the medication, which he refused, and he left. A bit later he returned, took the medication and has been in the bedroom since. I feel I made the right decision however at what point do you stop trying to prevent the person from ultimate destructive behavior?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

I went through similar stages of self destruction. Until I steeled myself to be able to make it clear that i would not be around to pick up the pieces, nothing changed.

eg endless overdoses, she would have to call the ambulance and I would not be picking her up after discharge at ER. If she took off to a motel for the night to get wasted, I would not be at home when she got back, for at least a day, do it again, I stay away for two, and so on.

i did not make a fuss or lecture, I just did my action, and no more said. The more you say, the more you become the reason for driving them to it. It opens an avenue for projection.

Therapy, if it is hitting the target, can often create dysregulation, this is quite normal. It means it got past the protective facade. Hiding his keys and wallet is no more effective than trying to hide drinks from an alcoholic. It increases the desire as he rebels against being "controlled'.

I often liken it to standing on the tracks in front of a runaway train heading for a cliff. You will just get run over and the train will still go over the cliff. Determined self destructors will still find a way to self destruct.

Going into self destruct knowing someone is there to catch them can become a dysfunctional coping mechanism too.

You have to know your boundaries and be willing to enforce them as necessary, support is one thing but bearing the full weight is too much and eventually disables them completely. Many pwBPD do need to feel the full consequences of their crisis before any kind of reality seeps through.

i guess you are probably talking about Xanax or similar? This can easily become the go to pill, and you the go to supplier.

[MrsTrigger]

Many things you said really hit home and I really appreciate your comments. One thing I noticed is that I'm now questioning my intuition in decision making.  The biggest is am I being supportive or an enabler? Am I being committed or codependent? Where is my limit? Am I making this decision because I am afraid the "x" might happen and my action is merely to control the situation? I write this as my H in an episode just walked out the door... .with keys and wallet. I didn't try to stop him.

I know I need to define my boundaries more clearly and need to talk it through with a T. I can't go around every episode collecting the paths to destruction so he has limited means to making bad decisions. Agreeing to his request to not suspend his debit card is hard because I know it will probably lead to alcohol and more. I've already seen the rebellion from being "controlled." He informed me that he will pick up his stuff another time. I guess he is making a decision.

[waverider]

The biggest is am I being supportive or an enabler? Am I being committed or codependent? Where is my limit?

Awareness of the potential consequences of what you do is important. from there you can make a choice. Even enabling is a valid choice, just so long as you are aware of it. The problem occurs when you inadvertently enable.

Your limit is when it makes you feel rotten inside, not because of some standard of what should be classified as normal, or fair.