Polyamory/Open Relationships

[kc sunshine]

Hello all,

I've been in an on again, off again relationship with my BPD girlfriend for three years (I'm a woman too). In this latest iteration of our relationship, we're experimenting with an open relationship. There's definite pros and cons of it. It is definitely more open on her end than on mind (hard to imagine me actually seeing someone else given her jealousy), but even theoretically it is leaves more room for me to keep my friendships vital because I have more time to see them.

She's seeing people though and I can't say it is easy at all. On the positive side, it forces me to stay focused on myself and do things that I need/want/love to do so it sort of forces me not to be less codependent or to work on skills that counteract codependency. We were fighting about it earlier this week, and I realized I had to let go of any control of it, just let her be in the lead of when she saw me or her other girlfriend, otherwise the negotiating was too painful for me, and caused us to fight.  

There's a part of me that wants to jump ship and leave the situation.

Has anyone had any experience with open relationships with a partner with BPD? Any advice?  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

No experience of this myself but here are a few previous discussions on the topic. A common theme is pwBPD suggest this from a self serving need.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=181763.50

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=240704.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=220139.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=181763.0

[Narkiss]

How do you feel about it? Are you jealous? Is it making you more codependent or less -- wasn't sure about this part

[Icanteven]

Has anyone had any experience with open relationships with a partner with BPD? Any advice?  

I don't know about open relationships with a partner with BPD, but I know about open relationships.  In this case, YOU are being asked to share her bed, as opposed to BOTH of you having an understanding.  There is only one place this leads to, and it is heartbreak for YOU.

Go back and read He's Just Not That Into You and change the gender pronouns; it's the same situation.  Were you both coming from a place - as some couples do - where you wanted to be adventurous and sometimes even bring your partners in together and both of you had bright lines about what was and was not acceptable and you were both ok, EVEN THEN, I know how that relationship ends.  When only one of you are really pushing, you have to stop and ask why.

You have a personality disordered partner that wants to sleep around and expects you to say yes as the price of admission to the relationship.  Why would you put up with that?  Wouldn't it be healthier, and probably much more likely to induce her to choose to be with you via showing a backbone, to tell her you don't want to sleep with other people; you want to sleep with her, and if she doesn't feel the same way it's been nice but have a nice life?

I feel like a lot of us - including and maybe especially me - have to get out of our own way sometimes.  As I've said in other threads now, my wife brings absolutely nothing to the relationship and has one (maybe two if you count the seductiveness she enjoys tied to her external beauty) attractive quality;  I miss the woman I fell in love with but she never really existed and she sure as hell isn't coming back.  Conversely, I've got a laundry list of things I've brought to our relationship and marriage; I'm sure you do too.

So why put up with it?

[waverider]

Consider your gut feeling.

Is this something you want, or dont want?

Is it something you are considering "putting up with" for the sake of relationship survival.

is this a thrive or survive choice?

[Grey Kitty]

Has anyone had any experience with open relationships with a partner with BPD? Any advice?  

I've done it. My wife was never diagnosed with BPD, but clearly had traits. It was pretty bad during the time we had an open marriage. And given that people tend to attract others who are at a similar level of emotional development, it shouldn't be a surprise that other people in the relationship were kinda messed up or codependent as well.

My short summary: A pwBPD doesn't have good skills for making relationships work, and if you are involved with one, you have to pick up a lot of that slack. When you add more people, it just gets messier faster   

That said... .if you want advice on how to handle your situation, please be more specific about both what is going on and what you are thinking of doing. Open relationships are not a one-size-fits-all thing; there are many possible ways of doing them... .and I (and others here) can offer specific suggestions for you.

I'm afraid that what happened is that your girlfriend told you she was going to see other women, and that she didn't want to end your r/s, so it was now an open r/s... .but is so jealous that you can't do the same... .and you aren't sure you want to.

It is hard for me to see that working well for long, if that is an accurate description.

[Jessica84]

KC - make sure you know what YOU want. Give yourself time to figure this out. I read somewhere on here that you wouldn't give your car keys to a drunk person, why give the keys to your happiness to a disordered person? That rang true for me. I let a mentally ill person take the wheel in my relationship, and he drove it right off a cliff.

I am concerned by your words "let go of any control" and "let her take the lead". This can lead you down a dark path if you're not careful. Be sure you aren't just giving in to avoid a fight. Figure out your values, and what it is YOU need/want in this relationship. If you discover you don't want a one-sided open relationship, you can look for ways to set boundaries. If you discover you like the freedom of this kind of relationship, you will still need to stay true to your values (esp with jealousy issues) - because my understanding is pwBPD will often change the rules without warning. So stick to your values, no matter what.

[kc sunshine]

Hi all,

It didn't work out. I started to feel better and more accepting of the open relationship, but for some reason it exacerbated rather than eased the problems in our relationship (her not trusting me, and me being uncomfortable talking on the phone etc around her... .for fear of trigger her-- it was an awful loop). She broke up with me yesterday because of it. I think the openness played a part in it though, because she was kind of weird in the morning, and on the phone a lot. I had a feeling she wanted to be back with her other girlfriend-- I should have just left. Instead she just kind of strangely precipitated a fight (grabbing my phone and going through it)... .ugh. So while I was hoping poly would leave more room for me to be me, it kind of proved the opposite. Dang.

[Grey Kitty]

So while I was hoping poly would leave more room for me to be me, it kind of proved the opposite. Dang.

It sounds like there wasn't really any room for you in your r/s at all, and this just finished it off a little quicker.

Poly may work for you... .or may not work for you... .but the first criteria is that you need somebody who is capable of being a healthy r/s with you.

Anyhow, sorry to hear it is over for you--it is tough for you, even if it does turn out to be a good thing for you in the end.

[Herodias]

Sorry that all happened for you. It is better to find out sooner than later how this will go I am sure. I will say for future reference, most open relationships usually have "rules" that people follow. As I have heard, someone usually breaks the rules and then it's all a mess anyway. Usually the one making the request is the one that wants to try it and the other person goes along, breaking their own boundaries... .I would think there would be a problem along the way eventually. Best to find out whey you were willing to do this and if it is really what you want in the future. Now focus on you.

[kc sunshine]

Thank you all for your words and thoughts-- they are such good company (and wise). Man the withdrawal is hard. But I'll try to focus on me.