Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 05:54:17 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Expert insight for adult children
101
Family dynamics matter.
Alan Fruzzetti, PhD
Listening to shame
Brené Brown, PhD
Blame - why we do it?
Brené Brown, PhD
How to spot a liar
Pamela Meyer
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Allowing my young son to spend time with my uBPD mother  (Read 584 times)
Amelia

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 30


« on: May 18, 2016, 03:28:54 PM »

The last thing my mother said to me was that I shouldn't call her mom anymore and that she isn't interested in having a relationship with someone who could be so cruel after the life she has lived.

She called yesterday and left a message for our son (he's 6). I had him call her back because I said that was the polite thing for him to do. I didn't speak with her. When I asked what they spoke about he said she asked him if she could pick him up on a specific day/time a couple of weeks from now for a visit. 

I have a problem with this for a few reasons:

1. She is relying on a 6-year-old to make arrangements for their visit.

2. She didn't bother to ask to speak to my husband or I to ask if that would be okay.

3. She has basically said I'm not worthy to call her Mom and yet I am expected to allow her to take him away for an afternoon?

4. I don't trust her behaviour to be emotionally appropriate around my son.

I don't want to allow him to spend time with her unaccompanied and yet she and I are NC and I don't want to see her, either.

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place yet again and I'm not sure what to do. I'm not sure I can handle the aftermath of telling her we aren't comfortable with her taking him to her apartment for a visit. She lives about 40 minutes away from us.

Does NC extend to your children when the BPD person in your life is your parent? If anyone has any insight or advice about allowing your children contact with your NC BPD parents, I'd love to hear it. Thank you.
Logged
Turkish
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12104


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #1 on: May 18, 2016, 03:36:13 PM »

No and no. That was completely inappropriate for her to do that. If you don't feel safe around her, then your young son certainly isn't. We see examples of parental alienation all of the time on the co-parenting board. pwBPD engage in the bad type of triangulation, have poor boundaries, and shallow empathy.

When the neighbor told me my mom used to lament to her that she couldn't even take the kids to watch (this would have been when they were 2 and 4), implying that I was a controlling and bad son, I asked, "would you let my mom watch kids that young unsupervised?" She replied, "No!"

You cannot control what she says to S6. If you can't call her "mom" anymore, then that means that she has no grandchild (twisting BPD logic back here).

Excerpt
4. I don't trust her behaviour to be emotionally appropriate around my son.

Aside from everything else, this gut feeling is enough to not let her around S6 unsupervised.
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Stolen
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 207


« Reply #2 on: May 18, 2016, 05:10:46 PM »

To echo Turkish - "NO"

And after a moment of thought... .  "NO"

If you go NC to prevent hurt, she will use your son to hurt you. And then act so so concerned that this is what has occurred.

Not sure if this is triangulation, but I experienced this attack-by-proxy many times.

Protect your son.
Logged
Sunfl0wer
`
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: He moved out mid March
Posts: 2583



« Reply #3 on: May 18, 2016, 05:31:19 PM »

As much as I hate the fact that my son has no grandparents to speak of at all, having toxic people in his life would not be better than none.  He is much better off, and so am I, by far.

After learning about FOG, I started testing my choices and asking myself why I was choosing something.  Am I making this choice out of either Fear, Obligation or Guilt?  When I see that FOG is at play, I spend more time trying to sort out what my wishes and choice would be if I leave the FOG behind.  I find when I do this I make better decisions that I can live with.

You are right to not trust her to be emotionally appropriate.  She demonstrated being emotionally inappropriate in her actions to try to make plans with a 6 year old without parental involvement!

It is also important to teach a child that they can make a choice to call someone back, not simply out of obligation when the result is a person who is running their agenda on a child and using him and his emotions/behaviors to serve her own.

I am not saying this to sound bossy towards you, just offering you another way of thinking of this so that you do not feel you have to be fearful of making a decision that it sounds like you feel in your heart is correct, but does not seem so comfortable or what you are used to.

Do you want to try to discuss with us and sort out the thought you are having this far and what your fears or hopes for the situation are?
Logged

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.~Anais Nin
Notwendy
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10440



« Reply #4 on: May 18, 2016, 09:55:54 PM »

This is my 2 cents. If your mother does not have a relationship with you, then she does not have a relationship with her 6 year old son. IMHO, your job is to protect a 6 year old, and a person hostile to you is not a safe person.

Perhaps later, when he is older and has his own boundaries, he can make this decision on his own. The time for this is when he is old enough to make other decisions- to drive, to date, to vote. At this age, he is in no way capable of comprehending a dysfunctional adult.

Logged
Linda Maria
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 176


« Reply #5 on: May 19, 2016, 08:30:54 AM »

Hi Amelia!  Sorry for what you're going through.  I totally agree with what everyone else has said.  My situation is quite different, I have a uBPDsis who really turned on me bigtime 3 years ago when my Mum died.  I had no idea what was going on for about a year - just thought she really hated me, couldn't understand all the lies and accusations.  But then she started to drag my kids into it (they were 12 and 8 at the time), telling people how awful it was that I wouldn't let her see them, when in fact she had refused all invitations to come and see us, and I had taken my daughter over to see her, even after she had started being really nasty to me.  At that time, there was no way I would have been in a room on my own with her, so sadly it was a no-brainer - I couldn't entrust the kids to her and keep some pretence going just so I wouldn't feel bad.  She created the situation, and I knew from the last time she saw my daughter that she couldn't be trusted not to bad mouth and tell lies about me, which would have been really disturbing for them.  For me it was a deal breaker - there was no need to bring them into it, and I realised she was just using them to get at me which to me was so disgusting, it was one of the first things that lead to me going NC.  She made some seriously vile and disturbing allegations against me at a later date, and from that point on NC was a no-brainer.  If it had been anyone else I would have taken an injunction out to stop her communicating with me.  I wish you well.
Logged
Amelia

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 30


« Reply #6 on: May 19, 2016, 08:39:16 AM »

Thank you everyone, you've really helped me to validate my own feelings and instincts on this. I do want to discuss it further, I just want to sort of turn over my thoughts in my head first.

I'm scared to tell her no, and I know how pathetic that is. I am absolutely capable of making the decision and protecting my son. I told my husband a long time ago that if it came down to this, he may have to be "the bad guy" and be the one to tell her we aren't comfortable with her taking our son for a visit. He said he would have no problem in that role. I hope he still feels the same way. I do not feel strong enough to stand up to her in this way yet. All of this is still very fresh for me so it's very hard for me to stand up to her, especially when she has sent me such awful letters. This all makes me want to run away and live on the other side of the country.

More from me later... .I need another coffee.  
Logged
Notwendy
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10440



« Reply #7 on: May 19, 2016, 09:35:55 AM »

I understand the fear of standing up to her, because if she is anything like my mother, the cost of that is high. I appeased mine for the sake of having my father's approval but this kind of co-dependency is not a great way to be in such a relationship. My mother tends to triangulate- paint me black to others. She sees people on either her side or others and recruits them against me.

It was actually when she went for my kids that I stood up to her. They were getting old enough to be "useful" to her. She woul try to get one of them alone with her to tell them "secrets" about me. This is reminiscent of middle school girls but she was recruiting them to her side as she saw it . She was also enlisting them as caretakers- asking them to do things for her-not letting others do them. She made it clear she wanted them to take care of her. They are kind hearted kids who would not want to say no to a grandparent but this was bigger than that. It was manipulation.

It was a struggle for me to reconcile how she treated me at their age and there was no way in H#ll I would let her do that to my kids. I stood up to her. The cost was high. My father got angry at me. I tried to reconcile with him. He was ill at the time. But he remained angry at me even until he passed away. My mother painted me black to her FOO and they are estranged from me.

However- I am not afraid to stand up to her and I am glad that I stood up for my kids.
Logged
Ziggiddy
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Married 10 years
Posts: 833



« Reply #8 on: May 19, 2016, 10:12:07 AM »

Hi there Amelia.

I identify very much with your situation although I am in a MC space myself.

There are a number of factors which would no doubt be influencing your feelings.

I guess you want to be fair as a parent as well as a daughter and your decisions are likely based on reasoning that your mother does have a right to have a r'ship with her grandchild.

Regardless of her stance with you it may seem like she is conceding something, possibly an opening to try and have a r'ship with you later down the track. only you would know if that was true.

Without knowing a great deal of your story, I also imagine there is a part of you (like there is with many of us) that wants in some way to believe your mother's actions wouldn't always be based on manipulation or the emotion of the moment and the idea that she could be a normal loving grandparent even if she may not have been a normal loving parent.

My own experience has been that a BPD grandmother cam have some natural good feelings toward her grandchildren even if her actions toward her children has been less than ideal.

Unfortunately this is very changeable with passing emotions. It is unlikely that she has considered your feelings when denouncing you as a daughter - BPD sufferers are notorious for lack of insight and lack of empathy. In light of that, you may want to consider how consistently she would behave toward your son if he is in her care.

In all honesty, she may actually behave well as that would serve the end of having the attention of a child who is unable to have the same view of her behaviour as an adult.

Having said that, if she was actually being respectful towards you as his parent, then she would have spoken to you to arrange a meeting with him as would any reasonable adult.

This sounds more like a manipulation and a power play. In that case she would probably not consider at all your son's feelings.

As far as feeling scared of your mother goes, that is so natural. She has likely conditioned the fear deep within you to not displease her or set boundaries which she doesn't like. i imagine you suffered the consequences of displeasing her in many different ways always ending with you as the person getting hurt/not listened to/punished. it would be no wonder at all that you feared her. it doesn't make you pathetic at all - just human.

I am very sorry for you to be in this predicament.

You are 'damned if you do and damned if you don't"

So I guess I would ask is if you can perhaps tolerate the guilt that would come from saying no (which seems to be what you want to do)?

We children of BPD parents have a good deal of difficulty in dealing with guilt whether it is warranted or not.

Are you able to sit with the guilty feelings without trying to reason yourself out of them or justify or explain them to yourself?

I have found this enormously beneficial and it leads to less and less guilt each time. In fact it has led to a great deal of alleviation of other guilt and a sense of empowerment that comes naturally afterwards.

Me I stopped my children from staying with my mother unsupervised more than a year ago when I saw that even my presence had no influence on her behaviour. She just doesn't think anything she does is wrong and certainly doesn't feel that I, as their mother has the right to dictate her behaviour toward them.

In the end though you have to be able to live with your decisions and eventually talk to your son about them when he is old enough to understand.

Conversely, I found that explaining bad behaviour to my kids before them being in contact with my uBPD mother led to them being able to see the wrong actions themselves and now they naturally shy away from her, not even wanting to visit with her or speak to her on the phone. Of course she blames me but it is completely worth it to me as I know they will not be subject to the same emotional games that I was.

Whatever you decide you have the right to do what you please and the right to accept the consequences of your decisions

best of luck

Ziggiddy

Logged

Amelia

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 30


« Reply #9 on: May 22, 2016, 09:50:27 AM »

Just a little update on this story... .

My mother called again yesterday and left a message for my son. My husband listened to it for me without my even having to ask (score one for hubby  Smiling (click to insert in post)). Apparently she had expected our son to call her back about their plans, and now the plan has changed. She has to help out a friend the day she made plans with our son, so now she'll tote him along with her and then they'll all go out to dinner together.

Um, NO.

My husband and I had already decided that we were not going to allow her to pick our son up to go to her home for the afternoon. Now already, after she had made a promise to him, she has broken it in favour of her own needs. He is six. SIX. This is not fair to him and it won't continue. My husband has said he will call her to tell her that arrangement is not okay. I'm so relieved he has offered to be the bad guy in this situation.

We'll see how THAT phone call goes, but I can already anticipate its outcome.
Logged
Turkish
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12104


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #10 on: May 22, 2016, 10:00:59 AM »

This is an example of healthy triangulation. Your husband is sticking up for his family, which is you and your son.
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Sunfl0wer
`
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: He moved out mid March
Posts: 2583



« Reply #11 on: May 22, 2016, 04:04:52 PM »

In case you two haven't already, it sounds like you and hubby need to set some boundaries.

For example, decide together what type of contact is ok between your son and his grandma, maybe even write it down so that there is no question about it.  Sometimes writing it down helps because then you aren't feeling pulled by every request that she makes and you are not making decisions on a case by case basis, which can be extremely stressful.  It is sometimes less stressful to have a list, and decide if her behavior or request is on the list of things you will not subject son to.

It also helps to communicate to her why something is not ok, if the behavior sits on your list.

Have you decided that your son will have contact with grandma under some circumstance?

Or not at all?

Or you are not sure yet?
Logged

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.~Anais Nin
Amelia

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 30


« Reply #12 on: May 23, 2016, 03:11:21 PM »

I'm really not sure. Right now I feel like I can't trust her alone with him and I do not want to be together with the two of them. I don't want to see her at all right now. I wouldn't rest easy knowing he is with her and listening to her. She has shown poor judgment with him in the past.

Some of the things she has said about him are raising flags for me... ."He is just like me," "He is my biggest supporter", etc. He is six years old. I want to protect him from the emotional baggage I was saddled with as a young person. My therapist agreed that protecting him is a smart idea. My instinct is to keep them apart until he is old enough to decide how much involvement he wants to have with her. I don't know what age that should or will be.
Logged
MiserableDaughter
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 755


« Reply #13 on: May 23, 2016, 06:58:12 PM »

Oh darling... .Read my old posts. My son Is 4. My mom did the same... ."He is crazy about me. He will always support me... ." Blah blah blah. She would whisper in my little boy's ears and want him to follow her like a puppy. And I couldn't take it anymore. I DID move across the country 6 months ago. Best thing I've ever done. I know how you in not being able to keep him away from her cause she scares you, even though you feel unsafe leaving him. I had a hard time too. She pulled and pulled. She behaved with him same way she did with me... .And I had to leave to protect him. I now have to move back to the east coast, but still 500 miles away, so can't be constant access... .
Logged
Stolen
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 207


« Reply #14 on: May 24, 2016, 06:24:30 AM »

As a new father, I always hoped the inlaws, 3 blocks away, could provide a good support system. Never happened. Their first grandchild (my oldest daughter) and the perpetual stay-at-homes seemed possessed to always be insanely busy. Strange, but what was worse was the few times that they would watch my daughter. Several times MIL, with exaggerated concern, would relate how she needed to give D medicine to deal with a sudden onset illness.  Could never give specifics, and would usually devolve into a defensive "I know what is best for her... ."   Bizarre, and seemed clearly designed to make us uncomfortable ever leaving D in their care.

Worse was coming to pick up D, probably 2ish at the time. Sitting in front of the TV, where MIL/FIL were watching some crime show - the scene I remember walking in on was a psycho entering a convenience store and dousing the clerk with gasoline and lighting her on fire.  Gruesome.  And in laws did not blink while the 2 year old stared at the TV. 

Inappropriate did not begin to describe these events.  They seemed clearly intentional, and I gave up any hope of there being a "normal" grandparent relationship.  This was way before I ever heard of BPD behavior, but I knew it was nuts and something to be avoided.

xW many times reported being psychologically and physically abused as a child.  Even though you hope otherwise, note that those behaviors often lurk just below the surface, awaiting another victim.

Protect your children.  Abuse thrives with separation and isolation.

Logged
Amelia

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 30


« Reply #15 on: May 24, 2016, 09:11:24 AM »

Oh darling... .Read my old posts. My son Is 4. My mom did the same... ."He is crazy about me. He will always support me... ."

Wow, this blew me away. It's an odd sensation to see your own words and experiences echoed by others! Just reaffirms my instinct.
Logged
Amelia

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 30


« Reply #16 on: May 24, 2016, 09:12:38 AM »

This is an example of healthy triangulation. Your husband is sticking up for his family, which is you and your son.

Thanks for saying this. I've been feeling like involving my husband is a cop-out, like I should manage this all on my own. But then I remind myself that it's okay for my husband to support me emotionally, I don't have to do everything on my own and it's okay to feel protected by him.
Logged
Sunfl0wer
`
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: He moved out mid March
Posts: 2583



« Reply #17 on: May 24, 2016, 12:33:27 PM »

So it sounds like you have a clear idea of what kind of contact your son should have with her.  Considering the circumstances, it seems more than reasonable that you do not trust her.

---------------------------

Often when I am trying to enforce a new boundary, I have self doubt as it feels foreign.

I wonder if that is what is happening here:

Excerpt
Thanks for saying this. I've been feeling like involving my husband is a cop-out, like I should manage this all on my own.

It is probably fair to yourself and your family to relieve yourself of any guilt you harbor for not announcing the NC the way you feel is 'most mature.'

Quite frankly, it sounds like you may feel a bit relieved in 'getting permission' to go NC and are looking for a way to self punish yourself by using guilt!

Guilt salve:

Your first responsibility is your son's well being.  (NOT being a 'good daughter'

She does not support that, nor does she care to recognize that.

You go ahead and take care of that boy anyway you can, via hubby, carrier pigeon, or nothing by means of informing her.

Maybe you 'could' have handled it a better way? So what, that is so minor compared to the action of protecting your son.  Also, you will still have opportunity to learn communication skills to empower you to face situations.  You do not need to make this one to practice with, you can still do that other places in life.

My point:

Be nice to yourself.  Allow yourself to celebrate this decision in some way to counteract desire for punishment?  Like positive self talk about how you are doing excellent to stop the transfer of generations of dysfunction laid onto your young boy.
Logged

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.~Anais Nin
Amelia

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 30


« Reply #18 on: May 27, 2016, 01:00:10 PM »

Quite frankly, it sounds like you may feel a bit relieved in 'getting permission' to go NC and are looking for a way to self punish yourself by using guilt!

Guilt salve:

Your first responsibility is your son's well being.  (NOT being a 'good daughter'

She does not support that, nor does she care to recognize that.

You go ahead and take care of that boy anyway you can, via hubby, carrier pigeon, or nothing by means of informing her.

Maybe you 'could' have handled it a better way? So what, that is so minor compared to the action of protecting your son.  Also, you will still have opportunity to learn communication skills to empower you to face situations.  You do not need to make this one to practice with, you can still do that other places in life.

My point:

Be nice to yourself.  Allow yourself to celebrate this decision in some way to counteract desire for punishment?  Like positive self talk about how you are doing excellent to stop the transfer of generations of dysfunction laid onto your young boy.

This was some interesting insight for me to read and I think you may be onto something in terms of my using guilt to punish myself. It was a wake-up call to read that and I will definitely give it more thought and mention it when I return to my therapist this week.

Just a small update.

We informed my uBPD mother that our son would not be going with her this weekend, that it is not right for a six year old to be responsible for their plans/communication and that her words were very hurtful to me and she should not expect after the way she has treated me to pick our son up to spend time with her.

We are now in full-on rage mode, with her sending long, drawn-out, hateful messages detailing how I've wronged her, how I'm cruel, how I owe her since she spent time helping to care for our son while we were on vacation (she asked me to make sure to ask her first whenever we needed help caring for him, and is now throwing it in my face). She's blaming my home-based business for changing me and saying "you can't keep (our son) away from me".

My husband is being the buffer and after reading her e-mails, thought it would be best if I not read them, seeing as how hurtful they are. I'm very grateful to him for providing me with this filter.

I'm left feeling:



  • justified in the feelings I have


  • hurt that my own mother could treat me this way


  • grateful that she is putting in writing all of this horrible behaviour because now it is documented


  • protective of my son


  • fearful she will come to my home and cause a scene


  • afraid she will harm herself


  • feeling as though as need to justify all of this to the rest of my family, my brother, my father and step-mother


  • wondering if I have done something to cause all this


  • protected by my husband (although he can't be here 24/7, I do feel like he is my ally and taking care of us)




It just helps to get this down onto the screen. I feel like all of this was the path our lives were on all along, and we have finally arrived at this estrangement. I didn't have my son for her, and her words that imply he is "hers" are terrifying to me.
Logged
Sunfl0wer
`
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: He moved out mid March
Posts: 2583



« Reply #19 on: May 29, 2016, 09:18:25 AM »

Excerpt
It just helps to get this down onto the screen. I feel like all of this was the path our lives were on all along, and we have finally arrived at this estrangement. I didn't have my son for her, and her words that imply he is "hers" are terrifying to me.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

It sounds like you are trusting yourself and finding ways listen to your instincts.

I hear you when you say you fear her reaction.  Have you read around on the improving board?  While I realize this IS a FOO issue, I have learned so much from reading improving because of the proximity of their pwBPD they are daily addressing boundary issues like crazy! (Pardon the pun!  )

There is also a great article around her regarding boundaries.  There are actually two that I love and I tried hard yesterday to find them for someone but cannot. . Well, one article has a written diagram including a castle and such, in case another member feels like posting the link.  Another discusses how we establish values, boundaries, then enforcement.

By the way, it sounds like what your mom is experiencing is like an extinction burst.  When faced with limitations, pwBPD may fight and tantrum to reestablish things as they know them to be.  This is good, normal, and a good indicator that she has received a message on where your boundary is.  It is important during this time to be consistent with what your limitations are and not move them based on her reaction, but hold steady.

How is this all feeling for you right now?

-----------------

Boundary work seems like ongoing stuff for so many here.  If we are not use to setting boundaries, and we are used to ensuring peace and pleasant feeling towards us with our pwBPD, then sitting with these new feelings can feel overwhelming and hard to tolerate. 

Sometimes we end up taking a lot of responsibility for assuring a relationship feels stable, because we know the pwBPD will not ensure the stability and peace of our relationship with them.  Unfortunately, that means we often learn to move boundaries to accommodate them (they get dependent of our relationship caretaker role and feel entitled to us always repairing it) and this moving and allowing things to encroach upon us can actually feel more comfortable than experiencing dis-ease in the dynamic.
Logged

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.~Anais Nin
busybee1116
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 607



« Reply #20 on: May 29, 2016, 09:33:50 AM »

One question that my therapist asks that has helped me reframe my values: Who are you protecting? I realized I was often protecting my mom (or people around her from her nonsense) rather than protecting myself/my family/my values.

Guilt salve:

Your first responsibility is your son's well being.  (NOT being a 'good daughter'

She does not support that, nor does she care to recognize that.

You go ahead and take care of that boy anyway you can, via hubby, carrier pigeon, or nothing by means of informing her.

Maybe you 'could' have handled it a better way? So what, that is so minor compared to the action of protecting your son.  Also, you will still have opportunity to learn communication skills to empower you to face situations.  You do not need to make this one to practice with, you can still do that other places in life.



My point:

Be nice to yourself.  Allow yourself to celebrate this decision in some way to counteract desire for punishment? [/i] Like positive self talk about how you are doing excellent to stop the transfer of generations of dysfunction laid onto your young boy.

This was very powerful for me to read.

By the way, it sounds like what your mom is experiencing is like an extinction burst.  When faced with limitations, pwBPD may fight and tantrum to reestablish things as they know them to be.  This is good, normal, and a good indicator that she has received a message on where your boundary is.  It is important during this time to be consistent with what your limitations are and not move them based on her reaction, but hold steady.

This too. Wish I'd read this around the time that I started setting boundaries with uBPDm! Would have been very reassuring.

Amelia, your bullet point list of feelings is amazing. You are doing some incredible work protecting your son, yourself and family. Great insight!

Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!