The pendulum and conflict reduction

[w9isgrate]

I have been practicing conflict reduction with my BPD wife (not diagnosed and in denial). Most of the time, it is either separation becasue she is just too emotional (just leaving peacefully, or hanging up the phone respectfully). I am empathetic when she expresses herself respectfully. At times she says she wants nothing to do with me (sounds like she wants a divorce). At other times she sends me messages to tell me when she is going to be home and wants to do things together. I never really know what I am going to get from her. Its been a long time since there was warm feelings in the relationship. I want to say, my wife stopped taking her SSRI meds about 2 years ago and this is when things got allot worse. I dont want to end the relationship and my family (we have 4 kids) I am willing to do counseling or what ever else it takes, therapy for her... .I just always get a roller coaster from my wife sometimes she hates me sometimes it seems like things are better.

I just called her at lunch time to see if she wanted to go out to eat tonight and she is absoloutely miserable. She says she hates her life, and she doesn't want to go out with me. I asked her if I did something to her, and she goes on to bring up every fight we ever had, and every conflict. I feel miserable now wondering what it all means, trying to go back to work. Last night she texted me twice to let me know she was still at her art lesson and she would be home shortly (which wasn't for another 3 hours but I guess communicating is better than silence) which seamed carring and respectful. Now today I got the lunch call and all the misery and frustration. With no real reason for the change in attitude, unless there is something I dont know about. 

Will she ever know how she really feels. How can you even ask (she is in denial of her condition).

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[lbjnltx]

Her feelings are overwhelming her ability to reason.  If she is upset then there must be a cause.  If she can't find one exact reason then history will suffice to justify to herself why she feels (angry, sad, frustrated, lonely, scared, etc... .).

What have conversations regarding her meds been like lately?

The important thing is not to ride the rollercoaster of emotions with her.  Empathizing, validating, and supporting are all ways to respond that will help her self soothe and keep the relationship secured.  I remind myself to not becoming overly concerned about a mood swing (sometimes it is one simple thing or a string of small things that sets my daughter off) by telling self "this too shall pass".  

I validate, I ask validating questions if there is a problem that could  be solved, I let her know I am available to listen, and if she is verbally/emotionally abusive I excuse myself from the conversation and encourage her to take some self time while I do the same.  I tell her we can revisit the conversation when we are both calm.

This is my skills and boundaries at work while encouraging the same in her.  This has created a much less dependent relationship and a more respectful relationship.

lbj

[waverider]

She says she hates her life, and she doesn't want to go out with me. I asked her if I did something to her, and she goes on to bring up every fight we ever had, and every conflict. .

Just a quick point. Don't ever do this, she is just miserable for who knows why, not even her. What you are doing her is opening a door for her to hang a whole lot of blame and projection onto you. Providing a focus for, which she will feel soothing.

What you should say as '" I see you are feeling under the weather, is there anything I can do to help?". Progressive rather than regressive approach

[w9isgrate]

Waverider, very insightful. Thank you for the pointer.