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Author Topic: How To Make a Borderline Happy (even if for a short few minutes)  (Read 646 times)
w9isgrate

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« on: May 20, 2016, 01:09:47 PM »

My wife (not diagnosed BPD) always says I'm not good enough or I dont treat her special enough. She is going through something particularily stressful now, and I want to brighten her. Every time I have ever done anything (gifts, flowers, special gestures) she always has a very muted response (as if she doesn't like it, or it isn't good enough, or sometimes an outright criticism of what I did, actual example: flowers just die anyways). It always leaves me always feeling like: why do I bother?, am I really not good enough?, what could I have done better? I just wish I could do something correct for her, whatever it is. I have even asked in advance, did it, and then just get another negative comment, actual example: you cleaned the whole upstairs spotless, but there is still laundry to do.
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Icanteven
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« Reply #1 on: May 20, 2016, 01:40:10 PM »

... .Every time I have ever done anything (gifts, flowers, special gestures) she always has a very muted response (as if she doesn't like it, or it isn't good enough, or sometimes an outright criticism of what I did, actual example: flowers just die anyways). It always leaves me always feeling like: why do I bother?, am I really not good enough?, what could I have done better? I just wish I could do something correct for her, whatever it is. I have even asked in advance, did it, and then just get another negative comment, actual example: you cleaned the whole upstairs spotless, but there is still laundry to do.

If you figure it out let me know.  No amount of gift giving or sweet gestures or a house full of flowers could sate my wife.  And, if I did the insane gesture, it would buy me a little time, but even then, it was only a matter of days before it was like I hadn't done anything. 

Before meeting my wife, my very, very long term girlfriend was the polar opposite:  I would do something as simple as bring her home flowers and she would think I had brought her the moon.  She would reciprocate my energy in all the ways.  I look back on it and think, that is what healthy, adult love is supposed to be like (we broke up because our careers took us in opposite directions and created a situation where there was no clear path to reuniting without one of us giving up our livelihoods). 

And, at the beginning, my wife was also very grateful for things I did.  But only in two ways:  sex and extravagant gifts of her own.  The sex was always welcome, but the gifts were more of a stand-in for actual appreciation and affection and bonding.   Also, as I'd find out later, in a number of cases the gifts weren't a thank you so much as a psychological response to her doing something that would devastate me, only I'd find out about six months or a year or two years later, so... .

So bizarre to see your post:  my wife's big birthday ending in 0 featured some very extravagant gifts and not one but two birthday dinners - one for us and another with her closest friends.  At the one with her closest friends she told them I had forgotten her birthday.  The reason?  I had gotten her a Hallmark card instead of making a card as I had done in years past.  Nevermind the thousands of dollars spent marking her special day, or the very thoughtful gifts she had received, or the dinners; I got her the wrong type of card, and therefore I had forgotten her birthday. 


Can't make this stuff up.  That said, some of her girlfriends who knew she was fighting a mental illness and were witness to this event started distancing themselves hard thereafter, which is one of the many contributing factors to where I find myself today.

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Dragon72
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« Reply #2 on: May 20, 2016, 01:44:16 PM »

The way I see it, you have 3 options:

1) You said in your post that you feel "I may as well not bother". Then don't.

2) You bust you nuts being superman for your lady until you've made everything perfect in the world, solved 3rd world poverty and invented affordable medicines that cure cancer.  See how far you can get before breaking down.

3) Accept that you'll never get an answer like, "What a wonderful thing you did for me, darling. You're such a great husband and I love you for everything that you are!" Feel satisfied that you did something nice for your wife and learn to ignore any critical responses.  

Personally, I need to try option 3 more, but I tend to opt for 1 and 2 too often.  
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waitingwife
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« Reply #3 on: May 20, 2016, 01:46:21 PM »

Hang in there... .Everything is very temporary for BPDs coz their emotions are changing every second so you'll have to prepare yourself for accepting that nothing you do will be enough or reciprocated like a healthy person in a r/s would expect. The question is, can you be happy with that? A lot of us here have come to terms with that and you need to remind yourself that her reaction is a reflection of her thoughts and emotions, not yours! You are doing enough and more!
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Jessica84
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« Reply #4 on: May 20, 2016, 02:40:13 PM »

This could have something to do with her Love Language as well. You and your wife can take the quiz to see how you each score - google 5 Love Languages. Receiving Gifts and Acts of Service may not be as high on her list as Words of Affirmation, Quality Time or Physical Touch.

Mine prefers Words of Affirmation (validation)

good link here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation

All my sweet gestures, random hugs, chores around the house and surprise gifts made him feel horribly uncomfortable - at his core, he doesn't feel worthy or deserving so it usually resulted in criticism and negativity. I stopped trying to help him or giving him gifts (except for birthdays), and stuck to validation. It works better for both us - he gets what he needs, and I get to save time, energy and money  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Bpdsupporter
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« Reply #5 on: May 23, 2016, 10:42:51 PM »

Sometimes just listening can go a long way for some with BPD. Next time she has a complaint or in a negative  mood just ask her to tell you all about it in detail. Don't judge her don't try to correct  her feelings or try to get her to another emotional state. Just let her vent. And when she's done ask her this question. Is there more? And if there is tell her to tell you all about it.

I know it's not easy and sometimes you probably feel unappreciated and hurt. But if you work on validation skills, active listening empathy and compassion you will began to see resultsy
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bruceli
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« Reply #6 on: May 24, 2016, 04:48:05 PM »

This could have something to do with her Love Language as well. You and your wife can take the quiz to see how you each score - google 5 Love Languages. Receiving Gifts and Acts of Service may not be as high on her list as Words of Affirmation, Quality Time or Physical Touch.

Mine prefers Words of Affirmation (validation)

good link here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation

All my sweet gestures, random hugs, chores around the house and surprise gifts made him feel horribly uncomfortable - at his core, he doesn't feel worthy or deserving so it usually resulted in criticism and negativity. I stopped trying to help him or giving him gifts (except for birthdays), and stuck to validation. It works better for both us - he gets what he needs, and I get to save time, energy and money  Smiling (click to insert in post)

My pwPD was 100% positive that we spoke different languages so she found the test online and we took it.  Our scores were within 2 points of each other and the SAME language. When she saw the results, she scowled and said, "you must have cheated!"  2 days of raging ensued.
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Icanteven
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« Reply #7 on: May 24, 2016, 04:55:10 PM »

This could have something to do with her Love Language as well. You and your wife can take the quiz to see how you each score - google 5 Love Languages. Receiving Gifts and Acts of Service may not be as high on her list as Words of Affirmation, Quality Time or Physical Touch.

Mine prefers Words of Affirmation (validation)

good link here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation

All my sweet gestures, random hugs, chores around the house and surprise gifts made him feel horribly uncomfortable - at his core, he doesn't feel worthy or deserving so it usually resulted in criticism and negativity. I stopped trying to help him or giving him gifts (except for birthdays), and stuck to validation. It works better for both us - he gets what he needs, and I get to save time, energy and money  Smiling (click to insert in post)

My pwPD was 100% positive that we spoke different languages so she found the test online and we took it.  Our scores were within 2 points of each other and the SAME language. When she saw the results, she scowled and said, "you must have cheated!"  2 days of raging ensued.

I don't know if I'd prefer this outcome or my own personal outcome where what I'd been telling my wife throughout our relationship came through loud and clear and she continued to act oblivious to what I wanted and needed and do the opposite.
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waverider
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« Reply #8 on: May 24, 2016, 05:25:08 PM »

Do not think "brighten her life' Think "brighten the environment".

That way you are doing so as much for yourself, and you take the focus or pressure off her. Often when you try hard to make someone happy it just highlights to them just how unhappy they are. Almost like every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

Dont sell happiness, just make it appealing. You can't make anyone else be, or do, anything, only present easy options. Ultimately it is their choice.
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Herodias
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« Reply #9 on: May 24, 2016, 08:12:50 PM »

This post bothers me a bit I must say... .I feel like my ex made a big effort to please me in the beginning. He would cook for me, buy me nice gifts and bring me nice cards and flowers. Then much later in our marriage, it was like he would pick out awful things he knew I wouldn't like, then when i didn't act thrilled, he would call me ungrateful. One of the worst things he ever bought me was an outfit that was many, many, many times too big for me. It was so awful, I can't even describe it. He bought it while he was high on pills for starters. I wasn't able to get his money back-had to do an exchange. It was so embarrassing. I know he was entertained by the whole thing. It's left me feeling like I am hard to please... .the thing is, I am easy to please. He knew what I liked, he insisted on doing the opposite. If I said I liked white roses, he would buy me yellow. He would start chores and not finish them. I asked him not to do laundry unless he was going to wash and dry them and put them away. He would leave stuff in the washer. I come home and wash towels from work every night, he knew I needed the washer. I would have to do laundry when i got hime from work!  One time he decided to wash my towels for me- he put my appointment book in the washer and the dryer! It came out in tiny little pieces. I felt so bad for him back then. Like he was just trying  to help me-it was an accident. I really don't see how he could have missed it going into the dryer too! I had a hell of a time redoing my whole schedule and having to ask my clients what time their appointments were. It took a month to fix. Now I wonder if he did it on purpose... .Awful to feel that way, but who knows! He would act all sweet and ask whet he could do on his day off to help me, then he wouldn't do it. I am just realizing this was all an act too... .awful! When I bought him gifts he would be ungrateful. One time in front of my sister he actually said, " I didn't want this!"... .At Xmas he would get excited by any gift you gave him- it was weird. His Mother would send a shirt every year- he would think it came from the most expensive store- she said it was TJMAXX... .he didn't believe me. Magical thinking I guess... .Hw would want all these really expensive gifts from me.  He wanted me to spend a thousand dollars on him every year! His Mother would yell at me not to do it, but I had the wrath if I didn't. The last Xmas I bought him a new grill among everything else  he wanted- after I caught the woman in my bed xmas morning- it all went back! He is horrible. EXPLAIN HOW HE IS HAPPY BEING POOR NOW? This is what gets me... .I was so used!
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waverider
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« Reply #10 on: May 24, 2016, 08:45:04 PM »

Herodias

Intent for acclamation, lack of effort put into execution can become the normal. Followed by a sense of injustice for not receiving praise for minimal effort.

I too sometimes get blown away by the complete failure during execution of even the simplest things.

Kind of like turning up for the money shot to be blunt about it.

Making them happy would be heaping praise on them for substandard efforts, unfortunately all this does is normalize lack of real effort.

Thats normal
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Icanteven
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« Reply #11 on: May 25, 2016, 08:59:45 AM »

This post bothers me a bit I must say... .I feel like my ex made a big effort to please me in the beginning. He would cook for me, buy me nice gifts and bring me nice cards and flowers. Then much later in our marriage... .[the wheels fell off].

This was my exact experience.  She was an incredible cook.  She would make the sweetest gestures.  There were incredible gifts.  She intuited my every need.  Etc etc etc.

Then, over time, the facade fell away and I was left with literally zero effort.  One of the more comical experiences was a morning in which we actually woke up together (a big deal considering) and on her way to the kitchen I asked her if she could make the coffee while I hopped in the shower.  "Sure thing!"  Except, when I got out of the shower and went into the kitchen to have some coffee, there was none.  She was eating breakfast and I needed to iron my shirt for work, so I asked her again if she could please make the coffee.  "Oh baby I'm so sorry, of course!"  Came back from ironing and started making my breakfast (it did not occur to her to ask if she could fix me something, even though I cooked for her all the time and would have been the first question out of my mouth, but I digress), went over to the coffee pot, still no coffee.  Baby, love of my life, why didn't you make the coffee?  "I forgot again. No you shouldn't have to do that I'll do it you make your breakfast."  I take her up on her offer, fry up a little breakfast, head over to the coffee pot, pour a cup, and it's barely brown.  Sweetheart, how much coffee did you put into the pot?  "Two scoops.  Why?"  You put in two scoops of coffee for ten cups of water?  "I don't know I didn't read the directions."  The directions say a scoop per cup... .

In some ways I blame myself because I wound up doing so much that she spiraled into learned helplessness, but the contrast between the woman who spent two hours making me dinner the first time she ever cooked for me - drinking wine, making love while we waited for various stages in the process - and the woman who struggled to make coffee couldn't be more night and day.

Intent for acclamation, lack of effort put into execution can become the normal. Followed by a sense of injustice for not receiving praise for minimal effort.  I too sometimes get blown away by the complete failure during execution of even the simplest things.  Making them happy would be heaping praise on them for substandard efforts, unfortunately all this does is normalize lack of real effort.  Thats normal

See my response to BlueHeron, though I gotta ask:  is it really that pathological?  My wife told me one of the last times we spoke after she left that she felt like she had lost confidence in herself and that it was my fault.  As I said to her (I JADE-ed, but, I'm not in a place where I'm gonna validate her insanity no matter how much JADE-ing is counterproductive), you've had a dozen jobs in the last ten years in half a dozen careers, and you've been fired from most of them, including the job you had when we first started dating; how is that my fault?  But it is, because her career would have been rainbows and butterflies if her  jackass husband wouldn't have messed everything up by existing.  Stupid husband.
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flourdust
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« Reply #12 on: May 25, 2016, 11:05:06 AM »

If my wife has a love language, it's Unquenchable Need.

She needed me to tell her that I love her ... .not occasionally, or even daily, but six or seven times/day. Although she liked it when I would bring flowers or some other token (every few weeks or so), she said I needed to make "grand gestures" to truly show my love. I would take her out to dinner often, and I wanted to spend most weekday nights together doing something like watching TV and talking, but she said that didn't count as being together. She wanted to be kissed or touched ... .again, pretty much constantly. If I was in the room with her and not holding her hand or rubbing her shoulders, I was ignoring her.
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Icanteven
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« Reply #13 on: May 25, 2016, 12:03:33 PM »

If my wife has a love language, it's Unquenchable Need.

She needed me to tell her that I love her ... .not occasionally, or even daily, but six or seven times/day. Although she liked it when I would bring flowers or some other token (every few weeks or so), she said I needed to make "grand gestures" to truly show my love. I would take her out to dinner often, and I wanted to spend most weekday nights together doing something like watching TV and talking, but she said that didn't count as being together. She wanted to be kissed or touched ... .again, pretty much constantly. If I was in the room with her and not holding her hand or rubbing her shoulders, I was ignoring her.

Only six or seven times a day?  My wife wanted to tell me and be told in return "I love you" six or seven times in fifteen minutes sometimes.  I am not exaggerating when I say that there were days when she would say "I love you" fifty times in an evening.  I chalked it up to her going through some serious issues; apparently, it's par for the course.

Unquenchable Need as her love language? This sounds so familiar, as if I've lived this adventure already.  So.  Many.  Stories.  
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waverider
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« Reply #14 on: May 25, 2016, 06:46:18 PM »

  is it really that pathological? 

It's subconscious and I believe rooted in flawed motivators. Impulse, need and instant gratification are strong motivation. (wanting approval or to impress, and receiving praise/credit in response is a need for gratification)

Responsibility and obligation as motivators are weak. This is the following through on the promise.

Lack of practicing completing a task almost leads to unlearning an ability.

My wife in the past has done things to almost OCD perfection, the same tasks now looks like a 4 year old has attempted it. As this is so far across the board with everything I have no choice to step in a do things at times, in order to get anything done, that it actually enables her to become disabled. It is hard to know where to draw the line as if I draw too many lines it makes my life dysfunctional by association.
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ArleighBurke
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« Reply #15 on: May 25, 2016, 09:56:21 PM »

Do not think "brighten her life' Think "brighten the environment".

That way you are doing so as much for yourself, and you take the focus or pressure off her. Often when you try hard to make someone happy it just highlights to them just how unhappy they are. Almost like every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

Dont sell happiness, just make it appealing. You can't make anyone else be, or do, anything, only present easy options. Ultimately it is their choice.

I've taken from other Life Coaching, the thought that EVERYTHING you do, you do for yourself (as part of a role), not for the other person.

- So i won't mow the back yard for her, I mow the back yard because that's what a responsibile homeowner would do.

- I don't buy a gift to make her happy, I buy a thoughtful gift because i want to, or because that's what a loving husband would do.

- I don't do the dishes every night because she likes a clean kitchen, I do them because I am a respectful person, or because that's what I consider is appropriate when living in a shared home.

This mindset is then "outcome independant" - ie my happiness or feelings are NOT dependant on whether she likes what i do or not. And I am definitely not doing it for her approval.
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