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[debby]

Married to BP for 30 years. Christian, (now grown) kids, 27 yrs of utter confusion and pain. finally left and studied "domestic abuse" online for 2 yrs. Learned a LOT. Reconciled and saw some good changes but it didn't last. I AM TOO BROKEN right now to even contemplate "helping him" by using the techniques and setting boundaries, etc. I don't hate him. I get it. It has just been so painful when I began seeking outside help and my church "counselors" giving me all the "marriage advice" not even realizing that abuse is a control problem that no amount of "being a good wife" will overcome. Blaming myself for so long has really taken a toll on me. It took me a long time to stop being so angry. So now, I am separated but looking at BP and starting to get a handle on things. Just not sure where I stand as far as what I want for my future. I am in NO hurry to decide either way about my relationship but would like to be as knowledgable as possible.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

Hello debby,



It sounds like you received misguided (at the least) advice that somehow the abuse was your fault. Given your research, you know it isn't. Wives are exhorted to respect their husbands, sure,  but husbands are to protect their wives. Abuse certainly falls far short, and violates this majorly (not to mention The Royal Law, as James says).

Do you feel safe right now? Do you have children? I hope to hear more and how best we can support you debby.

Turkish

[debby]

Yes, I am safe. There was no physical abuse, although he often used intimidation (body language and yelling), not letting me out of a room, etc. but we are far past that now. It was a long road to get over my fear but when I did, I stood up to him and yelled, "IM NOT AFRAID OF YOU ANY MORE!" and I guess he realized I really meant it. I feel safe because I am staying at another place by myself. He more uses the "Im so changed and Im nice now and I get it, I have BPD and I'm working on it so you can trust me now" stuff. But I DONT trust him. He IS going to counseling and they HAVE diagnosed him with OCPD/BPD but after decades of me begging him to "get help" and "what you are doing is wrong, its not normal and we need to talk to someone who can help us figure this out" I have nothing left to give. I am slowly learning who I am, my own opinions, my own goals, etc. I have had many close, successful relationships with friends and coworkers and never had any issues with those so it was very confusing that everything I did at home seemed to be "wrong" or "under par" or "not up to standard" and it was a roller coaster with him, one minute/day he was all over me, I love you, you are sexy, you are a great mom, and then "WHY CANT YOU THINK? WHY MUST I DO EVERYTHING? WHY IS THE PITCHER STILL IN THE SINK? WHY IS THE DISHWASHER BEING RUN AND ITS NOT FULL?" and then a few minutes/hours later, he is making the moves on me. Anyway, 30 years of this and I am exhausted. Now that I have a handle on things and the confusion (honestly, the worst part!) is gone, I am just coasting and learning and healing. I didn't know about his site so it has been wonderful just to read others who "get it."