Uncertainty on how to relate..

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been married 29 years to my wife.  I am at a place where I am finding it very difficult to know how to love my wife who I believe exhibits the characteristics of a high functioning BPD.  She is very well liked in the exercise fitness world. Most people have no idea what goes on at home today.  Our marriage took a big turn when I confessed to sexual issues over 10 years ago.  My wife was also in a long term affair with another man.  We sought multiple counselors and I chose to enter into a recovery program for my issues.  My intention is still to remain in this marriage.  My struggle is knowing how to relate to my wife when she starts blame shifting and assuming my motives.  It is particularly difficult when she rages at me in front of the children.  Nothing I say will cause her to stop so I typically walk away.  There does not seem to be a place of reason in our discussions.  I cannot remember a time where we have been able to work through an issue.  I have thought about seeing a DBT therapist for myself to better understand what I can do in those moments when she starts raging at me.  Fortunately I have a small group of men that I am able to confidentially confide what goes on at home and process what I am feeling.  I would welcome any suggestions on what I can do to help our relationship during these horribly stressful times.

[reasonablywell]

I have been married 29 years to my wife.  I am at a place where I am finding it very difficult to know how to love my wife who I believe exhibits the characteristics of a high functioning BPD.  She is very well liked in the exercise fitness world. Most people have no idea what goes on at home today.  Our marriage took a big turn when I confessed to sexual issues over 10 years ago.  My wife was also in a long term affair with another man.  We sought multiple counselors and I chose to enter into a recovery program for my issues.  My intention is still to remain in this marriage.  My struggle is knowing how to relate to my wife when she starts blame shifting and assuming my motives.  It is particularly difficult when she rages at me in front of the children.  Nothing I say will cause her to stop so I typically walk away.  There does not seem to be a place of reason in our discussions.  I cannot remember a time where we have been able to work through an issue.  I have thought about seeing a DBT therapist for myself to better understand what I can do in those moments when she starts raging at me.  Fortunately I have a small group of men that I am able to confidentially confide what goes on at home and process what I am feeling.  I would welcome any suggestions on what I can do to help our relationship during these horribly stressful times.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

It is hard to find our way through those moments when we are being buried under a landslide of apparent illogical nonsense.

Learning how not to react and be swept into the whirlwind, and ultimately feeding it is hard to do. We want to defend ourselves, but you cant fight head to head with a person with BPD and expect a negotiated resolution. That train is heading over the cliff. Try to stand in front and stop it and you will get run over, climb aboard and you go with it. Knowing when to step aside and let it go is the key.

This is not the same as being a doormat. When you learn about boundaries you will better understand this.

There is a lot of good information here to help you come to terms with this. You may not be able to reverse it, but hopefully you can stop the bleeding.

Waverider