Forcing me to wait?

[leggomyeggshell]

I haven't posted in a few months here but that does not mean the craziness has subsided in any way.  So, originally I thought she had BPD, now I am wondering if it is npd, apd, or a combination of all three?  Only reason it matters is it would determine the course of action and possible strategies for how to handle it.

so, the backstory is that I was sticking around because she is going to dbt therapy.  I'm just waiting with bated breath hoping this will save our relationship.  But upon going to that its possible she was misdiagnosed or obtained bad advice because she was told to attend as many therapies and be as social as possible.  One of our issues is how undependable she is so it made it worse when she was encouraged to be out of the house all the time (we have a child and only one car).  she ended up spending the entire 6 months basically attending various therapies designed to vilify me rather than work on her own issues.  The dbt therapist did work with her on some items that I think would be helpful, but what has occurred through this hodgepodge of various counsellors is that she just picks and chooses certain phrases they say to her and then use them against me without really working on herself that much.

So the thing comes to a head about 6 months ago   The dbt therapist tells her to shut the phone off on me if she wants alone time or something.  (I gather this from things she tells me.). Anyway about 3 months ago I had to leave for a work trip and she seems like really excited for me to leave.  Once I leave she moves in with her mom and pretty much places me on permanent block.  However our finances are intertwined as well as having a child together.  When she does talk she's been demanding, controlling (as usual), pretty much out of control ever since that (as if she wasn't before).  She has been so nasty it's been basically sadism on her part.  True to BPD form she always feels like she is the one being attacked even tho I am making every effort to avoid conflict.  She's been on this massive power trip because she has our child and has been blackmailing me with it using her mom as the caregiver so she can go out and drink and do whatever she wants (charging everything to our joint credit card).  I've chosen not to stop that so as to avoid litigation and the situation escalating.

I don't think she is cheating, because I have done some investigation into it, and it really doesn't appear that she is.  She has said she needed time to herself as part of her therapy to regain her identity, which I am all in favor of, so I'm assuming that is what is occurring, as strange as it may seem.

So anyway like three days ago I get this call from her that her mom is in the hospital and she needs my help.  Due to this I was able to reconnect with our child and hang out with her again as if we are a normal family almost.  This time I started documenting things that she does that are supremely annoying though and I finally realized the thing she does constantly to me is she forces me to sit there and wait for her all the time - often for hours.  For example, we get to her moms house that I expect to only take 15 minutes and instead she zooms off in the car.  Then she calls me and says she will be gone 20 minutes, then two hours later she tells me she met up with a girlfriend at the bar, then she doesn't arrive back for like 6 hours.  She's constantly doing this and I realized this has been a major annoyance the entire time I've been with her.  Another example is I take her to a meeting and she says it will only take an hour, then after two hours I text and she is like, blah blah give excuse, I need another 15 minutes, then about 45 minutes later I finally hear from her, meanwhile we are sitting in the car for that last half hour because she said it would only be 15 minutes.  If I get annoyed in any way then she paints me as "abusive".

Obviously there are boundaries and options but this situation is so far gone at this point that I am at a loss for what to do.  I'm trying to keep this simple and short so I'm not even disclosing every problem that is occurring in this situation.  Ideally i want our family to be together and just be normal but she is not at all capable of that.  If I enforce a boundary now she is liable to go off the deep end even more than she already is, and frankly our daughter is the most important thing to me that even supersedes my own happiness.  We are both attending counseling but it does not seem to be enough as the problem in my opinion is mostly with her bad behavior and she just wants to blame everything on me so she can continue to do whatever she wants whenever she wants.  Does anyone have any ideas on how to deal with this trainwreck?

I can't seem to decide if she has BPD or npd or if it's somehow morphing into sociopathy.  The only reason it matters is there are different strategies for dealing with each.  I've tried validation which makes for good conversation but she will just keep talking endlessly so it doesn't really get me anywhere.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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