Would love some help on communicating with BPD sufferer who withdraws

[RedWhiteBlueGree]

Hi there, this is my 1st time posting here so please excuse any lack of etiquette. I'm basically just hoping for some practical advice or opinions on when or whether I should reach out to a BPD sufferer who has decided to take some time to herself and withdrawn away from me.

Firstly, I'd like to say this site is enormously educational and I am so pleased I found it - I have been reading quite alot of the articles and forum posts already, so when I give you my background here, I'll frame it in the rudimentary bits of terminology & knowledge that I've gleaned from your site so far. I hope you can excuse my honesty too.

Basically, I got to know a really cool girl last year when she hooked up with a housemate thru a dating site. That started as casual for them, he strung her along for sex & companionship (cause he's a b'stard like that with most girls) and her (unbeknownst to us then) BPD just dragged her down and ended in hospitals and doctors. I had hung out them both lots and when she started getting worse, i started supporting her as housemate was not helping at all. When he dumped her beginning this year, cause he was not caring or brave enough to deal with her condition, she texted me asking to stay in touch, which I agreed to. We have the majority of time since just been good non-sexual friends but have slept together 4 times in the past 6 weeks

I realise now from reading this site that I was attractive as such, cause I am very steady hearted and tender-natured, and sadly she didn't have alot of other people in her life talking about it with her. So in the past 4 months we have gone through the first 2 stages of that 3 stages of intimacy article almost word for word identical!  I realise now that cause I confused BPD with just general depression and anxiety, I've been trying to help her from that angle, but from reading here now realise alot of my behaviours were very wrong and unhelpful.

Firstly, I enjoyed letting her idealise me and in turn became way too vocal about helping and protecting her. We started texting intensely near every day, even more so as the sun went down and she's meant to be sleeping, (which i see is classic symptom now) and she would open up to me then via text, but hardly ever in person. I was also proud of both of us that in these 4 months she did fully stop all physical self harm too.

Then, as I recognise it now, the 2nd stage was definitely evolving more into supplying her needs, qualming her fears and constant reassurance. I do enjoy doing this as such in relationships,  and definitely agree with bit about your 'code' as a gentleman stops you from challenging it. I realise now though this was bad conduct as constant congratulations on progress only fuels fear of abandonment, and I was also foolish enough to think it could help her get better if I said it enough. I stupidly thought kind words could cure it, which I realise now is totally wrong.

I also didn't set enough boundaries and discuss values,  or think to have negotiations on how we building relationship.

And what I fear now is we're entering 3rd stage for first time and she's just starting to hate me. (Tho we've never yet argued) Reason I think is, 1st 2 times we slept together she was what I know to be relatively logical at the time but it was still ultra passionate and a major boost for me how into it she seemed to so enjoy it. I realise now this is cause she does suffer from sex/love addiction and I was just a distraction for that night. We had a day or two of her going quiet on text following both times, and though i know she hooked up with at least 1 other random guy, cause we were still sorta friends with benefits (and didn't discuss values and boundaries!) I let it go fine and she was back texting away few days anyway. I continued with my support and reassurances and we didn't sleep together any other time we met up.

Yet, this weekend just gone,we had what I initially thought was my best friday night/Saturday afternoon ever, but rapidly turned sour. I had stupidly raised the idea a date night Friday as she never been on proper date, I thought would help her depression, etc, etc. All week she was well looking forward to it and got, for the 1st time to me, worryingly needful of this date. Then thurs night she ain't well (she isn't always in good health, but like I read here, I noticed alot more maladies strangely becoming more common during phase 2 too) and she's too ill and anxious to go out. Fair enough I thought,  I would never pressure a lady so agreed she can come chill at mine like we have before. Again, the sex is intense,  I feel like I'm maybe finally getting through to her and then next sunday text go quiet until teatime when she tells me she's withdrawing from 'social stuff' for awhile as needs to focus on herself and won't be texting till 'another time'. Not realising this is her regressing into her BPD and that its very harmful, I stupidly agree to it, thinking it might help.

Now... .(finally, I'm sorry to say) my question is, if I agreed not to text her for a week should I stick to that? I am very scared that she will be sitting at home with her fears of abandonment rising, and don't know whether its better to give her space (one of the family strategies said you have to let them fail sometimes, but is this that situation?)  Or whether I'm risking worse anxiety, fear, possible self harm by not reaching out. I know I can't reassure her as much as I did but I just want her to know I'm educating myself and do want to help her and will never abandon her. I'm not actually minded whether we stay just good friends or it develops, as I do just enjoy her company full-stop and I'm realising now the sex was just from her condition and not from her heart, so If I have to, i would curtail my feelings and willingly move back to being a close friend who supports her. I know the sex was wrong now too and though I thought it was helping I realise now it was a bad decision to make in terms of helping her. I do openly love her in quite a platonic way really now but her last text sounded far too much like a goodbye text and it really upset and scared me I just need to know how soon should I reach out?

My sincere apologies for length of ramble but it just feels real good to get it out for sure, as I haven't felt this touched by someone in a long time and feel real sad that not only is it another possible cool relationship going nowhere(story of my normal life too) but more importantly that she might be sitting at home alone and scared hoping I will contact her. Essentially,  a lady with adult emotions I would give space to, but if it's 2 year old emotions, well I wouldn't leave a 2 year old to wait a week for my contact as would be cruel, so does that apply to adult BPD sufferers then?

Thanks very much in advance for any advice.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[RedWhiteBlueGree]

And sorry to add more! But my final point I wished to add was also that despite my unknowingly being an enabler to alot of her behaviours,  she has been very actively engaging in her DBT and other therapies, learning her mindfulness exercises and majorly improving her exercise and diet to help her improve her self image and self worth (of which she's done really amazing so far and I am  so proud of her, though I realise too I need to moderate communicating that to her now).

So though she has recently said she still struggles on the edge of collapse, she is very smart and determined,  so I equally wouldn't want to interrupt a valid period of reflection or induce any conflict that wasn't actually there by wrongly assuming she is regressing. Like I say, I do mean this as about her rather than my desires and I'm happy to act as what I read as emotional caretaker over my needs, but I just need to work out how to judge and respond to everything better.

[RedWhiteBlueGree]

Haha! I guess no-one had time to plough through my diatribe!  Lol! Is no worries at all!

I think I've worked it out anyway - this site is really awesome, some really detailed & obviously professional articles and a great span of some very insightful forum posts. Thank you! Props to the mods!

And for anyone who is bothering to read to the end, my conclusion is, firstly, I have realised that co-dependent enabler bullet list described me to a Tee! It's very rare I read any psychological material that I see myself in but that was frighteningly accurate all the way through! And I'm not sure which psychological trait this is associated with, but I do have the ability to effect rapid and sustained change in outlook so that has started 1 hour ago! It does not help me and it definitely does not help her to continue as I was.

And secondly,  I realise I massively misdiagnosed her condition (strange that, considering I work in mortgages! Doh!) and should've googled alot of info alot sooner. And amongst a host of things, the best thing I learnt from here is it's not always in her control and not to blame her or to take it personally. I have decided my new well differentiated self will text her on friday because she asked for the space in what I read now is a reasonable manner, so i have to show I trust her and not allow my overprotection to prevent her establishing her routines. And finally to recognise that even though I may want to, I can't force her to 'get better' and can only be there to support her on her own journey.

And from what I have learnt here about the condition, my heart does break for the injustice of all BPD patients as I realise now how painful and difficult the world can seem sometimes, and nobody deserves to not see the beauty and to miss the truth. And the only other words of comfort I would share from my other associated learnings, is please learn to love yourself, learn to love the stars, learn to love the rocks and the grass, learn to love the air and water, learn to love the animals, birds and insects for there is no difference. The universe doesn't start at the edge of the atmosphere!  You may think you are separate and alone but that is just an illusion caused by our perception of time in our present state - you are always close to everything and the universe will always hold you as one.

(I won't clog up your boards again, though thank you sincerely for the catharsis,  it's honestly helped alot, so thank you)

[Bpdsupporter]

You sound like a very empathic and caring person. I hope things work out with you and your new love. Being in a relationship with someone with BPD can be challenging. It definitely can work though. It sounds like you research are doing your best.

When they withdraw sometimes they really don't want you to back off but move closer... but then sometimes they really do want their space it's hard to tell. I know with my pwBPD when he withdraws I give him space but always let him know I'm here whenever he needs me.

I know you guys are early in your relationship I hope it works out. You are empathic caring and supportive and people like you make excellent partners for people with BPD.

Just make sure you always take care of you first and remember you can't save or rescue her. But you can love empathize and validate. Which are great things to do regardless if your in a relationship with someone with a mental illness. Good luck to you!

[Turkish]

Just make sure you always take care of you first and remember you can't save or rescue her. But you can love empathize and validate.

Definitely.

RWBG,

You sound like a very analytical person, and relationships with pwBPD can be tougher on those   of us who are more analytical.

Respect her boundary about space, though this can be tricky. The first time my Ex broke up with me, I respected it. Said goodbye to her friends. Then the "if you love somebody, wouldn't you fight for them?" Texts came. We were living together, and I was pricing local strip hotels (the kinds with hourly rates) to get out. So it was The Test.

It's hard to say what's going in with her, but she did give you an opening by not shutting down your week text seperation. Start small (small target), and just ask her how she's doing. Absorb the communication techniques in Lesson 3. Even "I've missed you" may trigger her. You're talking about your feelings, not hers. Brief, friendly, light is better to start. If she asks you if you've missed her, then be honest and validate (but don't gush, which might result in her shutting down or splitting).

[RedWhiteBlueGree]

Thank you very much BPDSupporter & Turkish - I really appreciate the kind comments and , more importantly,  the reassurance I'm not making a major error, etc. I'm going to read loads more on here tonight too, as still few specific topics I want to research, but am pleased I haven't totally misunderstood the basics.

And in light of this new information,  along with my own thoughts,  I realise now to be honest that it's not going to be a romantic relationship, as I realise though my heart could fall in full love with her, it is only her condition that would ever fully love me. I know she does care alot for me but i dont think she'd ever be in love with me. Which is what I want from any actual relationship, and am not afraid to state that anymore now either. I have already enjoyed taking care of myself more at work today too!

I think I can support her better as a good friend,  and i see now that stopping sex between us and applying my learnings from here will help both of us progress better. And I believe being a good friend for life will be more productive as it will ease the fear of abandonment alot better and trigger her behaviours less than being lovers would, I reckon.

And I'm not so scared now of leaving her in peace for the week, as I re-read back few texts, and seen she conveyed her wishes quite logically, and though I know she struggles still, she is practised enough  now to keep herself safe. And though you're right Supporter,  it can be hard to read and interpret non communication, yet I do feel secure that a week to let her find herself will be a good thing.

Thank you very much again, as been very helpful here, from alot of angles. Your last paragraph of tips and approaches is very handy especially, Turkish  thank you.