BPD mom threatens me, CPS involved?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Well, life in the world of a BPD person is never predictable.  We had the first ever of the kids' birthday parties in which BPD mom behaved herself.  SD16 is really maturing, able to talk about how she feels like she has a lot of shame, that it is related to mom's way of dealing with difficult feelings, able to talk with DH and I about this.  So we had a great party at our house in which BPD mom chatted, did her best to be normal.  Afterword, SD16 told us that she is proud of her mom for this, we all talked about how this is a really big accomplishment for her.

Meanwhile, things have been rough for SD12, and she is very private when she is in pain.  It is clear mom is painting her black .

Of course, a great day with BPD mom--that brings up all of her feelings of being inadequate, that we are the "real" parents, she is not, etc.--had to have a backlash. So she accused me of child abuse.

This month is always really stressful for me--we have 5 family birthdays in 5 weeks, and it is just way too much for me.  :)H is really bad at organizing, so I do more than my fair share.  Now that I am running a new non-profit, I really do not have time to do this.  

I engage in some self-care, take a day off and go to the spa, and on my way home get a call from BPDmom accusing my of child abuse, telling me she will kill me if it ever happens again, and report it to CPS.  She is very incoherent, but the story I piece together is that an incident that happened 5 months ago (I describe it on the boards here, but I basically did a restraint hold on SD16 on a transition night when she got hysterical and was slamming against a glass door--not a great way of handling it on my part, totally hurt her feelings, but also not abusive and not physically harmful.  I screwed up, it really felt bad to SD16 emotionally, we have talked and it have been very close lately. But, SD16 has this compulsion to tell her parents all--a great quality in a teen most of the time.  Last week, she told me, "It is weird.  I feel like I cannot feel good about myself unless I tell everything to all my parents, even when it is way worse to tell.  It is like I have so much shame, I need to tell all."  

Well, now I get where that comment came from.  

I want to say that even with all my awareness, BPD mom's dark and morbid way of addressing things really pushes my buttons STILL!  She basically went into great detail about all of the physical and sexual abuse of her childhood, compared me to her mom, then went on to say that her mom was better than any other mom because "at least she was honest!" Wow.  It is just a dark nightmarish world she lives in.  The way she trashes the character of everyone in her life--they are all despicable, predatory abusers who have sick interest in her kids--and also horribly negligent, not caring--it is all so dark.  I am left feeling dirty, like the kids hate me, just wanting to leave the family.  


So 5 months after the holding incident, SD16 told her mom about the holding.  Mom, of course, freaked out (what parent would not, really, without details? she said what she was told is that I tackled SD16).  But when she called me, she said that SD16 told her new counselor, and that CPS had been notified.  This would be a huge deal for me in my career, though I am sure that I did not do anything that could be considered abuse, and I am sure that what SD16 would say once she realizes the gravity, and what DH would say (he was there) would result in no chance of any kind of prosecution.  But I work in the family law system, so it would profoundly impact my reputation in a small town. BPD mom has a history of false allegations, but in this case it is true--just grossly exaggerated and misunderstood by a mom who was severely abused.  

All things considered, I handled it well.  I listened to mom, saying things like, "I get you.  You did not know what happened and have every right to be upset. When you finish, I would like you to know what happened from my perspective." Normally, and BPD mom was true to form at first, she wants to yell and rant and threaten to kill me if I ever touch the kids again, tell me I am not their mom, etc. She did this for about 40 minutes.  Finally, she said something like, "IF you were a good stepmom, you would have told me right away... ." , and I said something like, "If you were a good mom, you would want to find out what happened from DH and I right away.  You would be curious about what happened from an adult, not teen, perspective.  You would have contacted us or someone when it happened."  She got really upset about me questioning her parenting, and then actually listened.  I explained what happened--basically, I was awoken at 10 by the kids coming home from a school event on transition night, SD16 went hysterically very soon thereafter, started slamming herself against a glass door to make a point (no realizing it could break), so I wrapped my arms around her.  She panicked, we tripped and both fell over, I let go, that was it.  I stayed calm and not angry all through this, it was not striking out in anger.  It was not abuse, but I readily admit it was not a great move, and will not do it again.  

She ranted and raved for awhile, but ended up saying, "Well, I understand now,  and we all make mistakes.  I think you are actually a pretty good stepmom, so long as you keep being perfect, not making mistakes. but if you ever do it again, I will kill you."

She told me she sort of likes me, event though I do some things that make her angry.  

So after 2 hours of her ranting and raving, for a moment I got through.  I made a commitment to tell her next time something happens that I do not feel good about.  Interestingly, I do think our relationship is such that that approach, however hard in the moment, is probably a good idea (so long as this is okay with SD16).  Part of the problem is that she feels bad her daughter did not tell her for several months.  

We ended on good terms, but then the weight of this hit me.  CPS reports from an upset mom, new counselor who knows nothing of our history.

I got home, and DH set the record straight.  Turns out, SD 16 does not yet have a counselor, she is in a process of getting one assigned.  She has been very stressed so went to the school counselor (which I knew, she talk with me about this as I have been trying to get the bio parents to get her a counselor for 3 years, so she feels really good about taking action on her own).  Separating from mom is causing a ton of anxiety for her, and she talked with the school about it.  

What I did not know is that DH finally got back to the counselors and mental health folk and that they not only know all about BPD mom and past history of false allegations, but that they have the report by the last counselor stating that BPD mom has BPD, and some of this history of enmeshment with mom.  And, that SD16 would not give counselor permission to talk with BPD mom for 3 weeks, as she was afraid.  So, there is no way BPD mom heard this all from a counselor, as there is no counselor yet, and SD16 is learning to be cagey with mom.  Finally, I found out that BPD mom had been told about my incident 3 weeks ago, and that there had been a series of texts between DH and BPD mom that he chose not to tell me, and that she had wanted to go to the counselor and tell her this.

So it sound more like BPD mom is feeling her power decreasing as SD16 is separating, and also talking to a counselor, and she is scared she will look bad... .so is throwing me under the bus--I am the out of control one, not her.  

So it sounds like there is no CPS report.  That said, there was a moment when I almost told BPD mom, "I would actually prefer to deal with CPS, as I am fine talking with someone rational about what happened.  I do not feel great about it, but am pretty sure there was no abuse."  That said, because I am an attorney in a small town, just a rumor of "child abuse" is pretty much a deal-killer for me.  But honestly, my job is way too stressful right now, so a part of me saw the silver lining of a ticket out of my self-imposed stressful circumstances!

I feel good about my level of acceptance of her difficult ways of expressing things.  I did not flip out.  I also could really hear past her coercive, crazy, manipulative dialogue to the fact she does really want to give me the benefit of the doubt, knows I am not like her mom was to her, and wants to connect with me.  That means a lot, and I am glad I could perceive that and validate it even when she is yelling at me.  That I could empathize with her worry about the treatment of her kid, without taking it personally and without making myself bad.  I would worry too.  That said, communication is probably a better bet that just attacking me, and she heard that.

[ennie]

Well, life in the world of a BPD person is never predictable.  We had the first ever of the kids' birthday parties in which BPD mom behaved herself.  SD16 is really maturing, able to talk about how she feels like she has a lot of shame, that it is related to mom's way of dealing with difficult feelings, able to talk with DH and I about this.  So we had a great party at our house in which BPD mom chatted, did her best to be normal.  Afterword, SD16 told us that she is proud of her mom for this, we all talked about how this is a really big accomplishment for her.

Meanwhile, things have been rough for SD12, and she is very private when she is in pain.  It is clear mom is painting her black .

Of course, a great day with BPD mom--that brings up all of her feelings of being inadequate, that we are the "real" parents, she is not, etc.--had to have a backlash. So she accused me of child abuse.

This month is always really stressful for me--we have 5 family birthdays in 5 weeks, and it is just way too much for me.  :)H is really bad at organizing, so I do more than my fair share.  Now that I am running a new non-profit, I really do not have time to do this.  

I engage in some self-care, take a day off and go to the spa, and on my way home get a call from BPDmom accusing my of child abuse, telling me she will kill me if it ever happens again, and report it to CPS.  She is very incoherent, but the story I piece together is that an incident that happened 5 months ago (I describe it on the boards here, but I basically did a restraint hold on SD16 on a transition night when she got hysterical and was slamming against a glass door--not a great way of handling it on my part, totally hurt her feelings, but also not abusive and not physically harmful.  I screwed up, it really felt bad to SD16 emotionally, we have talked and it have been very close lately. But, SD16 has this compulsion to tell her parents all--a great quality in a teen most of the time.  Last week, she told me, "It is weird.  I feel like I cannot feel good about myself unless I tell everything to all my parents, even when it is way worse to tell.  It is like I have so much shame, I need to tell all."  

Well, now I get where that comment came from.  

I want to say that even with all my awareness, BPD mom's dark and morbid way of addressing things really pushes my buttons STILL!  She basically went into great detail about all of the physical and sexual abuse of her childhood, compared me to her mom, then went on to say that her mom was better than any other mom because "at least she was honest!" Wow.  It is just a dark nightmarish world she lives in.  The way she trashes the character of everyone in her life--they are all despicable, predatory abusers who have sick interest in her kids--and also horribly negligent, not caring--it is all so dark.  I am left feeling dirty, like the kids hate me, just wanting to leave the family.  


So 5 months after the holding incident, SD16 told her mom about the holding.  Mom, of course, freaked out (what parent would not, really, without details? she said what she was told is that I tackled SD16).  But when she called me, she said that SD16 told her new counselor, and that CPS had been notified.  This would be a huge deal for me in my career, though I am sure that I did not do anything that could be considered abuse, and I am sure that what SD16 would say once she realizes the gravity, and what DH would say (he was there) would result in no chance of any kind of prosecution.  But I work in the family law system, so it would profoundly impact my reputation in a small town. BPD mom has a history of false allegations, but in this case it is true--just grossly exaggerated and misunderstood by a mom who was severely abused.  

All things considered, I handled it well.  I listened to mom, saying things like, "I get you.  You did not know what happened and have every right to be upset. When you finish, I would like you to know what happened from my perspective." Normally, and BPD mom was true to form at first, she wants to yell and rant and threaten to kill me if I ever touch the kids again, tell me I am not their mom, etc. She did this for about 40 minutes.  Finally, she said something like, "IF you were a good stepmom, you would have told me right away... ." , and I said something like, "If you were a good mom, you would want to find out what happened from DH and I right away.  You would be curious about what happened from an adult, not teen, perspective.  You would have contacted us or someone when it happened."  She got really upset about me questioning her parenting, and then actually listened.  I explained what happened--basically, I was awoken at 10 by the kids coming home from a school event on transition night, SD16 went hysterically very soon thereafter, started slamming herself against a glass door to make a point (no realizing it could break), so I wrapped my arms around her.  She panicked, we tripped and both fell over, I let go, that was it.  I stayed calm and not angry all through this, it was not striking out in anger.  It was not abuse, but I readily admit it was not a great move, and will not do it again.  

She ranted and raved for awhile, but ended up saying, "Well, I understand now,  and we all make mistakes.  I think you are actually a pretty good stepmom, so long as you keep being perfect, not making mistakes. but if you ever do it again, I will kill you."

She told me she sort of likes me, event though I do some things that make her angry.  

So after 2 hours of her ranting and raving, for a moment I got through.  I made a commitment to tell her next time something happens that I do not feel good about.  Interestingly, I do think our relationship is such that that approach, however hard in the moment, is probably a good idea (so long as this is okay with SD16).  Part of the problem is that she feels bad her daughter did not tell her for several months.  

We ended on good terms, but then the weight of this hit me.  CPS reports from an upset mom, new counselor who knows nothing of our history.

I got home, and DH set the record straight.  Turns out, SD 16 does not yet have a counselor, she is in a process of getting one assigned.  She has been very stressed so went to the school counselor (which I knew, she talk with me about this as I have been trying to get the bio parents to get her a counselor for 3 years, so she feels really good about taking action on her own).  Separating from mom is causing a ton of anxiety for her, and she talked with the school about it.  

What I did not know is that DH finally got back to the counselors and mental health folk and that they not only know all about BPD mom and past history of false allegations, but that they have the report by the last counselor stating that BPD mom has BPD, and some of this history of enmeshment with mom.  And, that SD16 would not give counselor permission to talk with BPD mom for 3 weeks, as she was afraid.  So, there is no way BPD mom heard this all from a counselor, as there is no counselor yet, and SD16 is learning to be cagey with mom.  Finally, I found out that BPD mom had been told about my incident 3 weeks ago, and that there had been a series of texts between DH and BPD mom that he chose not to tell me, and that she had wanted to go to the counselor and tell her this.

So it sound more like BPD mom is feeling her power decreasing as SD16 is separating, and also talking to a counselor, and she is scared she will look bad... .so is throwing me under the bus--I am the out of control one, not her.  

So it sounds like there is no CPS report.  That said, there was a moment when I almost told BPD mom, "I would actually prefer to deal with CPS, as I am fine talking with someone rational about what happened.  I do not feel great about it, but am pretty sure there was no abuse."  That said, because I am an attorney in a small town, just a rumor of "child abuse" is pretty much a deal-killer for me.  But honestly, my job is way too stressful right now, so a part of me saw the silver lining of a ticket out of my self-imposed stressful circumstances!

I feel good about my level of acceptance of her difficult ways of expressing things.  I did not flip out.  I also could really hear past her coercive, crazy, manipulative dialogue to the fact she does really want to give me the benefit of the doubt, knows I am not like her mom was to her, and wants to connect with me.  That means a lot, and I am glad I could perceive that and validate it even when she is yelling at me.  That I could empathize with her worry about the treatment of her kid, without taking it personally and without making myself bad.  I would worry too.  That said, communication is probably a better bet that just attacking me, and she heard that.

[Thunderstruck]

Ugh, sorry ennie. I know you already felt bad about the incident, and to get these threats and rages thrown on top is just not fun. 

These blow up moments really stress me out and steal my calm. Just last week alone BPDmom threatened to call CPS because SD11 had a sunburn and threatened to call the police when we picked her up for our CE home visit.

I don't know how you can communicate with BPDmom. I wouldn't have been able to stay on the phone for death threats and the name calling. 

[ForeverDad]

Looks like there are lessons all around.

DH - He hadn't shared information and so Bmom was able to catch you off guard and unprepared.

Bmom - You will not get the full, accurate story from pwBPD.  Either they purposely edit/slant it or it is distorted in their perceptions.  Either way, tread cautiously with volunteering information because it could reinforce their claims.

Good that she eventually did let go some of her emotional claims but look what it took - 40 minutes of ranting and raging.  Maybe on one of her more calm days you can refer to that and ask how, when she is so emotionally triggered, that you can ask her to 'pause and listen'.  I recall a hilarious movie {or sequel} The Over-the-Hill Gang {Rides Again} (Walter Brennan & Jack Elam / Fred Astaire) where the Texas Ranger call to arms is a secret word, "Brazzles!"  I tried to see if something like that would work with my ex, get a laugh rather than a rage.  Sadly it didn't, nothing I did aborted her ranting & raging, the marriage was imploding.  However, in your case where there are times you can actually talk with her, could a funny phrase to interject a little humor succeed in deflecting when Bmom is triggered and going full blast?

SD16 went hysterical... .started slamming herself against a glass door to make a point (not realizing it could break), so I wrapped my arms around her.  She panicked, we tripped and both fell over, I let go, that was it.

I truly believe that stopping her from slamming herself against a glass door was proper for that incident.  Perhaps less so for two adults if the police got involved, but entirely proper for minor and parental figure.  Safety trumps 'holding'.

[ennie]

Thanks, all.  I really appreciate the support for my actions, because while I think I would have done it differently if I was not exhausted and SD16 was not being so unreasonable due to the hour and the transition day it was, I still think that my choice was not unreasonable.  It just did not work out the way I hoped!

As it turns out, the counselor was not informed, and nor was CPS, so it was totally a fabrication of BPD mom.  Turns out she was mad as SD16 was telling us more recent stuff and not telling mom, which resulted in her exporting her bad feelings as blame.

As to the suggestion that I talk to her about a "safety" word to pause her and get her to listen... .she is just not AT ALL interested in meeting others needs.  She does well if I meet her needs--she can even be grateful, loving, and happy with me meeting her needs.  But any hint of a request for our needs to be met results in her feeling like she is a bad person, and then exploding at us.  She really just has no tools whatsoever for dealing with even the most loving, mild "conflict," and I mean as mild as a sweetly worded, "Hey, if there is something urgent and I am at work, do you think you could possibly leave a message on my cell phone instead of calling all my phones and hanging up 14 times, unless it is an emergency?"   Asking her to listen, even in the most kind way (and I am known locally as an expert in working with challenging folks to make diplomatic requests... .I am a certified mediator, but a friend I have worked with calls me "the tweaker whisperer" would result in her completely losing it: "You are NOT their mother! How dare you ask ME to listen!  I AM NOT the one who needs to listen! YOU need to listen!  No one EVER listens to the kids! They have wanted to live with me since they were 2, and they hate you! But do you LISTEN? ! NO! AND WHEN I TOLD CPS that they were abused, NO ONE LISTENED... .!"  this will go on and on, for literally 6 hours if I let her (I did let her in the first 3 months of my relationship with DH, hoping this would be eventually exhausted).  She will trot out lots of bad stories, most of which only actually happened in her head, but she will act like not only did they all happen but everyone agrees that they happened... .she just gets totally spun out by any request of her.  Literally ANY request, even if DH is asking to have the kids for part of their birthdays, or ANY thing.  She just cannot receive that without feeling like she is bad, and she does not do feeling bad without sharing the blame more than generously. 

So what I have learned is that it is on me to meet my own needs.  The other thing I think about is that I CAN get my needs met, because I was raised to feel good about myself and others, so I have many, many people to help me and care about me when I am down.  She was taught she is bad, evil, a monster. She has one or two friends, and rough, scary relationships with them where they have both called the cops on each other many times.  She needs more love and empathy from me than most folks, and she gives WAY less.  But she NEEDS more.  I do not really need that much, and when I need it, I ask and receive it. 

So there is really a way I am fully willing to be the giver in this relationship, at least until the kids are 18 or later in case of emergency.  She deserves better than she got as a little girl. 

That said, I have moments of feeling so sad and angry that I put out so much good and get so much hard stuff from BPD mom and from the kids when she is spiraling downward.  Today was a transition day, and all the drama made me fear the kids would be mean and cold... .but instead, SD12 is buggy and loving.  I talked to her about wanting her to know that she is not bad because me or mom is mad at her... .and she said, "Yes, I know that, because you already taught me that." And SD16 had terrible PMS, was cold and mean, and 45 minutes later apologized, told me she was being mean for hormonal reasons not me, and that she loves me and is sorry. 

I think the take home point is that BPD folks are great at spreading guilt, shame and fear... .but the rest of our family is more skilled at spreading love and forgiveness, so in the end, love wins.  She may be a fearsome warrior of shame and hatred, but there is just one of her and she gets tired.  Whereas we can take turns spreading love, so when one of us slacks off another one picks it up. And there is so much of it, we can dump a bunch in her direction, too, so much of the time these days she feels pretty good, as she is still in the love soup, even if she only brought a couple of dirty old stones to it.

[Turkish]

in the end, love wins

   

I like you're positive take on this, ennie.