Maybe some of you could help me sort out my confusion about setting bounderies. When I am in conflict with my BPD wife, I employ validation and JADE. Sometimes, though, the barrage from her is just to much so I say... stop yelling at me, lower your voice, I'll listen then or your being abusive right now so I am going. I feel selfish because maybe I am being too sensitive. Another scenario is when I need sleep. I will tell her I am going to sleep. She will react angrily to that saying she is awake and had a bad day and I don't care about her day... ."go ahead take care of yourself" rings out. I care about her day, but I need sleep but maybe I don't. I might just not to want to hear her negative feelings of the day or I need to just relax etc. When am I a loving caring husband and when am I being a jerk? I seem unable to justify me to myself sometimes. I don't want to be a doormat but also don't want to be a jerk.
Boundaries are not about fairness, they are about knowing your limits and self preservation. You do nobody any favors by trying to battle on past the point where you are being overwhelmed. Thats when you start reacting badly
As you get better at dealing with issues then you can adjust your boundaries as you patience and tolerance develops. A person with little regards to the boundaries of others will always push them, no matter where they are set, and guilt is their weapon of choice. Self doubt is our greatest weakness.
Listen to your gut feeling, that is your body's alarm bell.
