very rough day. heart broken for s9

[bus boy]

I haven't talked to s9 for a week. He won't call between access. I text this morning for s9 to give me a call before school. Bpd/npd ex wife text back, he doesn't want to call you. That really hurt. S9 has missed so much time with me and it seems he doesn't want to be in my life. She text that s9 wanted to go to a b day dinner tomorrow. My access day. I said the time has to be made up on Thursday, as usual she has plans for s9 on Thursday,  I text back the time is made up Thursday or I'll pick s9 up on the court order access time on wednsday. She told s9 and sent him to school. She said s9 was very upset. She had it all planned right down to the plans for Thursday.  The court order is as clear as crystal. She cannot discuss any plans with s9 on my access days but she continues to do so. She has a very unhealthy attachment to her family and she has s9 in the same warped mentally. S9 spends his weekends with her family and now she wants me to give up my time so he can see them tomorrow, yet s9 has been alienated from my family. I asked s9 if he would like me to set up a day to play with his cousin, my nephew, he was terrified and said no. It brakes my heart, when I push, she pushes harder but it's not me she's hurting, it's s9, what hurt she has to Inflict, what ever lies or manuplation she must do to get her way, she will do it. I can't go that low and she knows it so she hurts s9 to get me to back off than tries to make me feel horrable and I usually end up feeling that way. I want to back off from s9 but my T and you good people on here have given me so much support to keep pushing and don't move an inch on access. I think to normal, to simple. In the real world, or my real world, we would come to a healthy agreement that would work for the best of s9. Her idea for s9 best is to loose as much access with me and never get it back. She is creating a lot of undue anxiety for s9. It's not normal for a young boy  not to want to see his father. Her and her family have s9 so wrapped around his 1 year old second cousin, to me that's not healthy. S9 will be in tears with me, to want to leave his access with me to see his little cousin who he all ready sees more than me. I can't compete with the hurt she can inflict. She uses her words to hurt s9 but make me look like the bad parent.

[FamilyLaw]

Busboy, it may be helpful to remember that when mom tells you ":)S9 feels X," what that really means is "mom feels X."  Most likely DS9 doesn't feel like that at all, or doesn't really care.  Heck, he'd probably rather spend his evening doing fun stuff with Dad than hanging out at a boring family birthday.

You sound like you still have a lot of Mom's "fleas" on you and are caught up in her disordered thinking.  It might help that when she says that DS thinks or feels something that you mentally insert her name in there -- that way you can have compassion for her, but understand that your son is separate person who loves and needs you.

[bus boy]

Thank you, that's what my T told me today. I just talked to my ex. She said s9 is to nervous to ask me to switch time. She told me things that I do with s9 that he told her he didn't like doing. S9 didn't tell me until a couple weeks ago and s9 has been telling his mom all along. S9 just text and said he was very happy. He was so distraught today, he left school early. He didn't even want me to drive him to the party. I gave up my access day tomorrow bc s9 was  so upset. I asked who's b day party it was and she said it was none of my business. I don't know if we could parenting or I was just manipulated. I gave but got nothing in return. I asked her not to discuss any more events with s9 that are happening on my time and got zero satisfaction.

[Turkish]

bus boy,

I may sound harsh here, but you're the parent, his Dad. Switching times is reasonable, but giving up time is not. Your son's desires sound like an avatar for his mom's. You've been strugglng with his mom's controlling ways, fed to your son, so control by proxy. Your son is learning that he can control you, even if he doesn't comprehend her dysfunctional dynamic. He's disrrspecting you just like his mom. It's not wrong to assert boundaries with him as well... despite short term conflict, you will teach him healthy behaviors in the end.

[bus boy]

Hi Turkish

Thank you. I have no problem switching times only thing is the time is never made up. S9 is not respecting me. I am having a hard time with him in that department. She is controlling his desires. It's her wanting him to go to these events. I compromised yesterday and got nothing in return. If she's asking or s9, it's a child, it's all about the child, that's her line. If I ask, I get a, well that's not in the court order. In August at the review I am going to ask for a mediator. She sends me insulting texts yesterday morning than I nice as pie yesterday evening, not only did I let her twist my Wednesday access but I pushed up my Friday pick up time from 2:30, off the school bus to 3:30. 20km further down the road.

[david]

I was in your situation years ago. Finally it got through my head that the only way to change this was for me to change and let ex figure it out. I stopped giving in and stuck to the court order. My ex tried countering in whatever way she could think of. I stuck to the order. When ex wanted to change something I simply replied quoting the court order. I would also offer to change provided the time was made up. It put the ball in her court which she didn't like. This was all in email so if/when we went back to court I had proof that ex was restricting access. This went on for about three years. Finally things started to settle down.

Once I went to pick up our youngest at her residence since it was my time. Ex claimed he was too ill. This was all in email. I went and figured I could assess that when I saw him. Our court ordered way is that I drive to her residence and call her cell. Once the voicemail kicks on I hang up and he needs to be out within 5 minutes. The same goes for ex. Well this time nothing happened. I called ten minutes later and the same thing. I tried a third time (using the three strike rule in baseball) and the same thing. I then dialed 911 and explained I was there to pick up our son. They told me to wait in the car and an officer would be out. When the police arrived he explained that there was nothing he could do and that I should call my atty and deal with it that way since this was a civil matter. I listened and asked that he do a wellness check since S8 was supposed to come out and no one contacted me in any way. I said I was concerned that something could have happened. He didn't like it but that is the way the law "works". Another police car showed up during this time. The two talked and one of the officers started walking towards ex's residence. Before he set foot on her property the door miraculously opened and out came S8. He walked to the car and got in. He asked why the police were there and I said that I came here about a half hour ago and called three times and nothing happened. I became concerned for his and his mom's safety so I called the police. That was good enough for him and we drove away. He was not sick in any way. I even took his temp when we got home to be sure.

Prior to that incident, about a week or two before, our oldest was ill when he was with me. I sent an email to ex explaining the situation. She demanded that I drive him to her place, I repeated what I said in the previous email and left it at that. Ex could have done a few things. She could have driven to my place and did the same thing I did. I would have let the policeman in and see that he was in bed and ill. The officer would not have forced him to get up and leave. I would have a police report showing what happened. I would make sure I let the officer know I would be picking it up and ask when I could get it.  I would get the officers name and badge number. If our youngest was really ill the same thing could have happened when I went to pick him up.

It's a game for my ex and I simply set boundaries for her. My ex ran away in 2007 and I don't expect her to ever change. Our youngest is 13 so I have 5 more years that I have to legally communicate with her. I only communicate through email and keep my emails brief and to the point. If her email attacks me, and they still do but not as much, I only reply to the thing that pertains to our boys. I don't give my opinion or thoughts about anything. I state facts and the court order. I get emails, that if printed, would be two or three pages long. I keep my replies to three to five sentences. Preferably one sentence. In a year I break that rule maybe three times and use more than five sentences. It took me years of practice to get to this point. It gets easier as you get better at it.

[david]

Those two examples I gave. I didn't get agitated or upset during either event. I have come to expect these kinds of things when dealing with ex so to me it is just the way it is.

[cc 69]

Hi ... and wow your situation sounds just like what I'm going tho right now and my s5 ... doesn't no if he allowed to enjoy him self when he comes with me she has got into his heads so much. .when he want to do things he think by whispering his mum will not hear him it's very hard but like in one post on here I have to tell him when he's here with me he can do whatever he want. ... I got him a phone so he can call when he wants to talk instead of my BPD calling on private number when ever she felt the need make sure my self esteem was still at rock bottom taking some power back so to speak but just as I expected she has taken the phone off him and turned it off its my day to have him tomorrow but like every other week I turn up not knowing if I get him  she tells me that she doesn't want owt to do with me ... which is fine so I don't get why she is cutting contact with me and my son my son says he asks his mum if he can call her reply is I've deleted your dad's number ... so again why take the phone off him ... .oh yes so she can now control the contact between me and my son ... .like you for the health of my son I've been thinking of taking a step back. ... It's so hard seeing son5 so upset when it's time to take him back but cos I'm thinking better I don't bring it up to her cos I no it must be hard not being allowed to mention his dad name when he goes back. ... again pushing the little man further away from me ... .I got him a x box's  which he played none stop. but then tells me mum put the one at his mum's in the bedroom so now he's stopped playing  cos he thinks he's getting punish it' must be so confusing cos now my replacement is firmly in her hooks ... .control me an adult so controlling son5 must be easy pickings

[david]

My difficulty in the beginning was to detach enough to see things in a light that was better for our two boys. The things my ex did would upset me and I couldn't see past that. It took a good therapist to help me get past that point. Also time. Once I got past that point I was better able to figure out how to help our boys. My ex still does things to try to upset me but I no longer react. She does it less than before so that is an improvement.