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Author Topic: Hello and some advice would be great  (Read 445 times)
lukeyb

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 6


« on: May 25, 2016, 03:09:07 PM »

Hi,

Firstly I'm not 100% that my partners has BPD, but having read (a lot of stuff!) the way she reacts to things there are certainly many traits that ring true to my situation and im not sure where else to turn.

Ill try and keep this brief, we have been together over 3 years and now have children (not planned but amazing little people) so leaving would be a big step.

My partner has been diagnosed with PTSD and Anxiety previously due to an accident she had but the anxiety has always been there from what I gather as she had a really bad childhood.  She struggles keeping long term relationships with people as if they go against her at any point then she pushes them away. She doesn't see that though as there always seems to be an element of truth in it all though even though, I personaly would have dealt with those situations differently or they wouldn't have bothered me. If I disagreed with her stance then she would verbally go at until I gave in or make continued digs. I've never met someone with so much stamina for an argument or a grudge

I thought I was handling it until we had the children but she has now banned my family from seeing our children and made it difficult for most of my family. Again all reasons have an element of truth. This has lead to my relationship being ruined with my family which I do not speak to at the moment and used to be quite close, and us having no support with the children. Although she says the reason they cant come over is because they haven't supported us. If I give an alternative view I am siding with them and unsuportive. I am always amazing or the worst thing thats happened to her, Thats the same with other relationships, people are never ok, or she can never see that they may have issues going on as well. I also cant really talk about how I feel other wise she we be worse than me always...

I have also questioned if it is all my fault and am I making things worse ( the latter I know I do sometimes) and had counselling which was rubbish and didn't solve anything. but everything is put on me even how other people act seems to be my fault and always for me to sort out

If my family text or invite us somewhere (which is rare as we arent speaking) then its seen as a dig and when I challenge that I get called all the names under the sun and threatened that she doesn't want to be with me... This rage will go on for a week then we are back to normal and Im awaiting the next thing.

As for me, I have tried my best to be empathetic, and validate, but it sometimes winds her up even more, or if im honest, I get angry as well and it turns into a big row, where it always ends up with her threatening to end the relationship. I even tried to discuss my family with her today and i just got shouted at couldn't get a word in and then it turned into a row again. As soon as I try to have my say she will walk off or talk over me and it will be all my fault.

I cant handle it anymore it has ruined my relationship with my family, made me have panic attacks in work and stressed me out. I cant see a way out apart from leaving, but not seeing my children every day breaks my heart. My other worry is the children as she finds it hard being with them all day especially with her anxiety. She is an amazing mother and I know she would do anything for them, I just worry that when they are older she may snap at them and say the things she says to me.

Anyway sorry for the rant, I just dont know what to do or handle it, I have never been a stressed person before and rarely got angry and now it happens quite often. the situation has ruined my life. Add having children and moving to a new area, its been a nightmare.

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« Reply #1 on: May 26, 2016, 09:11:59 PM »

I can completely feel your pain. I was in the same type of horrible roller coaster for a long time with my pwBPD. I was completely stressed out tierd and experiencing panic attacks too.

So I'm really glad you reached out because it sounds like you love her and your family very much but can't seem to find the peace to continue in all that stress.

I can tell you that there is hope though. But it's tough work. First thing I recommend is getting yourself some help. Meaning making self care a focus. Sounds like you are really really stressed. So make sure you get enough sleep. Have you ever tried prayer meditation relaxation techniques therapy. Anything you can do to get your own emotions regulated. Because in order for your relationship to be healthy you got to get healthy first.

So next step is really changing the way you communicate with your pwBPD. You have to speak a whole nother language called empathy, validation, and reflective listening. These skills will help you see that it's not really about what our partners are saying or doing but what they are feeling. If you really learn how to validate and listen to their feelings it will often put our the fire before things escalate into a row. Remember your partner has a mental illness this does not excuse any behavior but you must accept that they are really struggling with these really deep and painful emotions and they just don't know what to do. So it's hard but compassion has to be at the forefront of your mind.

I really recommend the book "loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder" by Shari Manning. I read and studied it religiously and I was super skeptical about validation and empathy at first because I felt so hurt. I was like whose gonna validate and empathize with me. I'm hurting too! But I decided to take a chance and try all the techniques. And I'm telling it was like magic. It was amazing how instantly I saw results. Its not that my pwBPD changes I changed and was prepared and ready to face whatever challenges he was facing. Now he sees me as his ally and not his enemy and I really see how hurt and afraid and empty he feels most of the time am able to really support him when things get blurry and he gets dyregulated. The crazy thing about this whole journey is he has no idea how much research and practice I've done trying to learn about BPD. He just noticed a change in me.

So I recommend the book. I'll be happy to inbox you some more information about how to communicate better with your pwBPD. I just want to encourage you that things can be better. But the change has to happen within you first.

I'm glad your here there's a lot of great resources o. This site. Get all the info you can. People with BPD are actually some of the sweetest most loving people despite all their drama. You just have to learn to speak their language and show them love compassion and empathy. Peace to you!
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lukeyb

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 6


« Reply #2 on: May 27, 2016, 04:40:25 AM »

Wow! Thank you so much... .

I have had counselling and couples counselling and no one ever really gets it just the normally communication stuff, but communicating with her is impossible sometimes. One councillor said to me just leave! The tings I want and need to talk about I just get shut down about, but I can totally see how if I change my approach then she is more likely to listen.

I have tried meditation but not regularly enough and I hardly do any exercise at the moment.

We are seriously on the verge of breaking up as we are at stale mate especially around the situation with my family.

I can try and be as empathetic as I can but how do I explain what I/we are going through with my family who just see her as rude and me as distant as I feel I need to protect her.

Some info would be great thank you and I will look at that book.

You are right I need to look after myself and I haven't been, I have secluded my self from my family and friends, partly as its easier for me to do so otherwise I get accused of taking sides. In fact I have my nieces birthday coming up (they didn't come to my boys first birthday as we had it miles away, but she sees that as a slight on her) and want to take my boys I have been basically told without discussion that if I go then we have to split up!

So how do I handle that situation and how do I start communicating with my family when my partners as said she doesn't want them to know anything...

Thank you for your reply
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« Reply #3 on: May 27, 2016, 06:43:51 AM »

I so wish I could give you an answer to your situation that would help you immediately

But in your situation it's super layered and complex. You've got the drama with your family your spouse

doubled with work and being a parent. My friend that's alot of stress.  :'(

Ill be honest I really don't have any advice to help you with all those dynamics. But I can completely empathize with you. I too hit a terribly stressful stalemate with my pwBPD and had issues with my family before. And the only way I got through it was I began to focus on me  what would make me happy. I know it sounds so fluffy but self care really freed me. Prayer was the self care thing that helped me the most. I would talk to God and things just started getting better. Also I began taking supplements to help with my anxiety. Didn't want to get all "pharmy" on you. But I take st John's wort and it's been a tremendous help. You can get it at any health food store. Of course talk to your dr, and you should consider going to therapy too for you. I just feel like you goung through so much and all that pressure will make you explode soon. Your kind of in a state of emotional emergency, like if it were physical you would be rushed to.the er! If you noticed the issues your having with your family are really issues within yourself. Your hurting so so much! You got to get some healing and soon.

Taking time to nurture and heal, then you will be able to see exactly what you need to do. I can only advise you based off of what worked for me. When I started to focus on my own healing and what's going to make me happy and at peace. Little by little everyday I began to get myself back. And then I was able to see that I still loved my pwBPD and was determined to do what I can to make this relationship work. But it started with me first. And now we are in a much more healthier place.

All that to say the dynamic your in is like an onion it's layered and there isn't one answer that will eleveate all the issues unfortunately. But I will tell you taking care of you will help you get through this tough time. And just you reaching out to this board is soo fantastic. Getting a support group has already started your healing process. Because friend you are on a tough journey right now but I'm rooting for you. Just the fact that your reaching out shows you are to tired of suffering... it's not easy to be vulnerable and ask for help. That's so super brave of you. Ok I'm gonna inbox you some stuff that really helped me. Peace good friend!

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lukeyb

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 6


« Reply #4 on: May 27, 2016, 08:54:07 AM »

Just a quick question, as she is undiagnosed, do I let her know I'm looking into all of this? Do I let my family know as that would explain Some stuff but would be breaking trust with my partner? I have spoken to her about possible BPD but I did it in a really bad way so she got defensive

Thank you again for your support
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« Reply #5 on: May 27, 2016, 10:50:16 AM »

Hmmm tough call. But since things are kind of stressed between you guys maybe waiting to talk to her might be best. I found out my pwBPD was diagnosed early in our relationship not because he told me but we had a fight one day and he walked out. I thought we were over and he has left a folder. I usually try to respect his privacy but I was pissed so I looked through it, and discovered that at one point he had checked himself into a mental hospital and his diagnosis was BPD. Then everything began to make sense, because this wasn't the first time I had run into the illness. I had a good friend years ago who had it. And so I knew a little bit already what to expect, but it took a long time for me to really learn how to communicate and be with him. I made a lot of mistakes for sure. The biggest one was I was in the habit of JADEing (justifying, arguing, defending, and explaining) myself all the time which was completely invalidating his feelings. He would get more frustrated as would I and then we were in a constant vicious circle of saying and doing hurtful things to each other. It was a nightmare... we would have these amazing wonderful moments and then have the most horrendously horrible times ever. It was exhausting for both of us. So he eventually told me about his diagnosis but of course he didn't feel it was accurate. We actually don't talk about his BPD at all. I just changed and understand his illness and practice the tools and skills needed to be in this special relationship. It's really funny he has no idea all the books I've read this website all the YouTube videos... .i mean it's like my secret covert life Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)! But he just noticed one day that i changed. And we just are much happier. I'm being patient because one day I really would like him to be in treatment, but all in due time. The best I can do is be aware of his illness and be there for him. Also my pwBPD is currently in recovery for addiction so I just want him to focus on that as much as possible. Being sober is really helping both of us as well.

Anyway I digress, it's totally your call. But I would wait to approach her for a time when things are a bit more settled. As far as your family that's your call too. If you think it will help them have more compassion for her maybe but if you think it will make them dislike her more maybe not.

It's hard because nobody wants to be accused of having a problem. But despite everything going on you know your partner best. You know her good as well. If your here more than likely she is suffering with BPD, but who knows for sure.

How about you research a bit more about BPD and learn some of the skills needed to communicate with someone with BPD. And practice them, see if you notice any positive results. Because it's best to approach someone about these things when they are open and feel safe. And from the situation you described neither of you feel that way. Again family is tricky I'm sure they just want you to be ok. But letting them into all your relationship business can get messy sometimes. Maybe you can just ask them to be patient with you as you are trying to work out some tough issues which may include mental illness. But you know your family best. So hopefully they will understand and no matter what family will always love you. I'm sure of that.

I think you are doing the best you can. And after you get some healing if you feel you can't be in the relationship thats all good too. Remember your happiness healing and well-being must come first. That will be the best for all parties involved. You deserve peace never forget that!
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waverider
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Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
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If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #6 on: May 28, 2016, 07:30:10 AM »

You may want to take a brief read through this link that gives some of the pros and cons about discussing the disorder with your partner

PERSPECTIVES: Telling someone that you think they have BPD
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  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
lukeyb

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 6


« Reply #7 on: May 31, 2016, 09:20:58 AM »

You may want to take a brief read through this link that gives some of the pros and cons about discussing the disorder with your partner

PERSPECTIVES: Telling someone that you think they have BPD

Thank you and thanks for everyone's support. Reading the posts on here have been so helpful and not even a week has gone by and I feel a bit more in control.

Even this weeks  for the first time I was bring verbally abussed and it turned onto my family. So I just said I am going out for an hour as what you said is unacceptable. First time in 2 years I set any boundaries. She then calmed down said sorry and we went on with our day once I can home. I know a long way to go but I feel it's a great start due to all of your help
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lukeyb

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 6


« Reply #8 on: May 31, 2016, 09:23:49 AM »

Normally I would have reacted or got mad bit I didn't. I listened to her until it got offensive.

I am finding the validating hard but working on it. I can see how I trigger her now
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waverider
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Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #9 on: May 31, 2016, 11:56:36 PM »

Normally I would have reacted or got mad bit I didn't. I listened to her until it got offensive.

I am finding the validating hard but working on it. I can see how I trigger her now

Boundaries come into their own once you get the hang of it, and can enact them before you get wound up.

If you struggle with validation, start by concentrating on not invalidating. This is actually more important. Less is more especially when you start overdoing validation to the point it sounds fake.

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« Reply #10 on: June 01, 2016, 03:05:06 AM »

Normally I would have reacted or got mad bit I didn't. I listened to her until it got offensive.

I am finding the validating hard but working on it. I can see how I trigger her now

Boundaries come into their own once you get the hang of it, and can enact them before you get wound up.

If you struggle with validation, start by concentrating on not invalidating. This is actually more important. Less is more especially when you start overdoing validation to the point it sounds fake.

Yay! So glad you are feeling a bit better and set some boundaries for yourself. That's a big step towards your healing. Just like Brene Brown said " some of the most compassionate people she interviewed were the most boundried"... so kudos to your compassion!

And that's really awesome to hear that your pwBPD apologized.thats actually something very difficult for people with BPD to do.

Validation can be challenging because it sometimes feels like you are just agreeing or condoning something you don't agree with. Which isn't validation at all... there is no right or wrong in validation. It's just a general observation about another persons feelings.

Like if someone says "I'm mad at you because you looked at me funny" and you know you did no such thing. An invalidating response would be "I didn't look at you funny your overacting stop getting mad over little things... grow up" A more validating response could be. " I can see you are upset because of an expression i made, it must really be upsetting to think I would look at you in a funny way." Tell me more about it.

  An invalidating response can definitely cause an avalanche of turmoil and a vicious cycle where nobody feels good afterwards.

But validating responses puts the ball in your court and could open the dialogue to a peaceful resolution. It's a pretty powerful tool.

Of course it's not easy so the more you practice the easier it gets. It's a great tool to use in all your relationships... even your kids. I practice at work with difficult customers and it always diffuses the situation. With practice it will just become second nature and will get alot easier. So keep at it your doing great!

It's also incredibly amazing that you didn't get angry and just listened... that's a huge step, it shows that you are gaining some strength and getting a bit of your power back... that is such a difficult thing to do so that just means your getting stronger for sure.

Once again glad your feeling a little better. Don't give up your doing great and be encouraged. You can totally get back to a place of peace in your life, your already well on your way  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Peace to you!


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