Avoiding circular arguments

[Everglow]

Circular arguments - typical situation - BPD trait partner becomes incensed about something , must describe over and over again to non borderline partner why they are angry and why it's non BPDs fault, reasoning being " because you just don't get it!"  

Advice please regarding how to set a boundary with this and to allow BPD partner to cool off. Recently very concerned as intensity of interactions increased and there was a brief physical situation that has never happened before. BPD partner has been drinking more over last 8 months. Although high functioning ( almost finished bachelor degree after going back to school) seems to have little insight , will not talk over issues with friends, avoids friends for long periods of time, engaged in emotional affair several months ago.  

Thoughts ?

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[Turkish]

Hello Everglow,

This discussion may help:

How to stop circular arguments

It also introduces the concept if JADE: don't Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain.

Read through and tell us your thoughts.

The physical confrontation is a concerning escalation. It's rare that this doesn't recur without clear boundaries. Do you have a safety plan if it happens again?

Turkish

[Mutt]

Hi Everglow,



I would like to join Turkish and welcome you. I'm sorry to hear that it's difficult for you right now. I can relate with how distressing that feels when there's lot if conflict in our relationships. I can't relate with that.

Turkish gave a good pointer with boundaries with not JADE'ing. I understand how hard it is, it takes one person to stop the conflict. Take a few minutes to watch this video, I, as well as other members can attest that it works.

A 3 Minute Lesson on Ending Conflict


Hang in there.


----Mutt

[Everglow]

Thanks so much for previous support /links , all of which I looked at. JADE is a masterful concept and extremely useful.

Here is my next issue -my spouse w BPD is just finishing up a difficult 3 years of university , having been away from home during the week for the past 3 achool years.  This is his choice ( we of course discussed together) wanting to change professions as his blue collar job which he liked and felt confident at was causing further and further physical pain. So he is going to be a shop teacher.  He had a very difficult time being away - took it out often on me , very depressed , culminated in ? Affair emotional or otherwise with woman this past December / January. i drew the line and let him know he had to make a choice to stay in our relationship and give up the other entirely or go to pursue that relationship. Btw we have twin 4 year old daughters and my two older teens at home.  I support the family ( fortunate enough to make good money ). 

Long story as short as possible - he now is almost done, getting lots of requests for resume , kudos for practicum work , calls about plumbing on the side , eldest step child graduating and off to university w great scholarship , kids happy , our relationship improving.  I see an amazing counsellor who is helping me sort myself out. Spouse w BPD does have persistent unremitting back pain and knee pain ( seriously Injured several years ago resulting is sever knee joint  degeneration despite his young age ( 44) and had been very active w working out etc. Although co to use to exercise often very painful

Spouse w BPD has been drinking moderately to heavily since before Christmas. Has continued. On anti depressants ( trusts his family doc but family doc unaware of BPD issues and I think of drinking ) recently although life seems to be very good and getting better except for pain which is not controlled well despite antidepressants and pain meds. So he drinks heavily , talks about needing to get away, to travel , not feeling good despite all good things in life. 

From my medical background the drinking is not good - who knows what kind of damage he is doing to his body. He is birchy when he drinks and ready to start and argument ( w me ) at anything particularly controlling about how messy house is, why can't I teach my older two. It to look after their stuff , keep things tidy, my poor parenting etc.i know not to take personally now and to buy in only to what I feel is truth behind the bull ___.

I guess my question is , how can I tell him in a way that he might listen that his drinking is hurting him.if he is damaged medically by drinking excessively,it affects the whole family. I know his drinking is due to so many unresolved issues , otherwise why do it if things are really getting good ? The things he worked toward and suffered through for, everything he hoped for - the " wait until I'm finished school and this will all be better " ? It's almost there and he is expressing how bad he feels, doesn't think anti depressants working , etc.  I want him to seek help and I know it should never Be just me in therapy. I know I can't fix him. 

Sorry it's so long.  Help please. 

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY EVERGLOW:

       

I guess my question is , how can I tell him in a way that he might listen that his drinking is hurting him.if he is damaged medically by drinking excessively,it affects the whole family. I know his drinking is due to so many unresolved issues , otherwise why do it if things are really getting good ? The things he worked toward and suffered through for, everything he hoped for - the " wait until I'm finished school and this will all be better " ? It's almost there and he is expressing how bad he feels, doesn't think anti depressants working , etc.  I want him to seek help and I know it should never Be just me in therapy. I know I can't fix him.   

He could be using alcohol to relive anxiety (bad choice).  For some people, anxiety will be a life-long problem.  It won't magically disappear and it is likely a situation of learning to manage it, by using some positive stress relief tools (exercise, some form of meditation and mindfulness, breathing exercises, etc). 

I can see why you are concerned about alcohol abuse.  "Brief physical situations" shouldn't be acceptable. They generally escalate.

Pain meds, alcohol and antidepressants shouldn't be combined.  If he has to pass a drug test for a new job, he could have a problem.   Is the same doctor prescribing the pain meds and antidepressants?  Maybe you could have a confidential chat with his doctor?