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Author Topic: Feeling totally depressed- have no one else to talk to  (Read 508 times)
soulmate

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« on: May 26, 2016, 11:32:05 PM »

Hi,

**I don't know that much about BPD, I have the eggshell book but it's painful when I read it :'(

(long post)

I searched for this board because I am very sad and worried. I just don't understand. My husband gone for 24 hours. An alcoholic, he has been sober for a while recently earlier this month and last night relapsed. Very triggered by something he walked out saying he was going out, the night before, came back drunk. I got angry at him and yelled at him (his drinking can be hazardous to both of us so I was pissed he was doing it again) and he was offended and left. Came back 4 minutes later knocking on the door. I keep his key (that's my boundary) if I feel to let him in I will I don't like him in and out at night if he is drinking it is very disturbing. Again he had stopped for a while but lately (since his birthday was approaching) he has been increasing the BPD when sober and threatening or actually getting drunk. So when he came back I opened the door a crack and looked at him, He said "you're not gonna let me back in?" Expecting me to reject. I let him in he said he was getting his stuff (he didn't get anything). I asked him (cuz he normally regrets it later) is this really what you want to do? He left again, and forgot his phone. I have a brand new phone number just texted it to his phone that day but it was not on him. So no call, still not home.

I think he may have knocked and I couldn't hear the door because the fan was on I can't always hear. If he's drinking he will come back and fourth several times knocking. I don't feel guilty for being tired, I was just tired, I fell asleep. I'm just concerned that he really thinks I kicked him out (this to him means I want a divorce).

I worry because this is the longest in this house he has ever stayed out this long. The only other time is when we were staying the summer out of town at his mothers house. Funny he has been triggered by his mother this week and some money she sent him for his birthday. Angry at her for something that doesn't seem serious to me but to him it is.

My husband has not been officially diagnosed with BPD but he has an overwhelming amount of the symptoms, so much so that believe it or not when I gave him a symptom quiz he came back after reading and studying the saying "I think I have that thing... .you that thing you showed me? I read the symptoms, that sounds like me." I was surprised I thought he was going to be resistant but he has been in mental pain and at certain points looking for answers.

We have had disagreements, sometimes battles, some maybe normal marital discord, some NOT. The walking out triggers me. I just get so confused how he can do this when the other day he's telling me how much he loves me. He's always told me I was his soul mate. Maybe he told them all that but I felt it too, and I have been married before (twice) so I know the difference. We were separated for 7 years before we got back and got married and the love never faded.

I DO know the difference between my feelings for someone and the decisions I make regarding boundaries. During those 7 years we kept in contact and I set my boundaries and did not let him date me again until things were right but the love never faded, he said it never faded for him either.

When you love someone like this it doesn't go away because they do something wrong. The feeling is still there.

In marriage, for us, in our religion, divorce is only allowed in very specific conditions. And I don't just follow a man on this I am following written law which he also follows. I really don't want a divorce. Nor does he, he'll say all the time, then he keeps bringing it up in fights. I'm not good enough for you. You can divorce me get a better man.

Thanks for this forum and support.


I'm very depressed.
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soulmate

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« Reply #1 on: May 27, 2016, 09:51:00 AM »

I see I've had 18 views and no replies, maybe I wrote too long of a post sorry.
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dacoming
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« Reply #2 on: May 27, 2016, 10:22:10 AM »

Hi,

**I don't know that much about BPD, I have the eggshell book but it's painful when I read it :'(

(long post)

I searched for this board because I am very sad and worried. I just don't understand. My husband gone for 24 hours. An alcoholic, he has been sober for a while recently earlier this month and last night relapsed. Very triggered by something he walked out saying he was going out, the night before, came back drunk. I got angry at him and yelled at him (his drinking can be hazardous to both of us so I was pissed he was doing it again) and he was offended and left. Came back 4 minutes later knocking on the door. I keep his key (that's my boundary) if I feel to let him in I will I don't like him in and out at night if he is drinking it is very disturbing. Again he had stopped for a while but lately (since his birthday was approaching) he has been increasing the BPD when sober and threatening or actually getting drunk. So when he came back I opened the door a crack and looked at him, He said "you're not gonna let me back in?" Expecting me to reject. I let him in he said he was getting his stuff (he didn't get anything). I asked him (cuz he normally regrets it later) is this really what you want to do? He left again, and forgot his phone. I have a brand new phone number just texted it to his phone that day but it was not on him. So no call, still not home.

I think he may have knocked and I couldn't hear the door because the fan was on I can't always hear. If he's drinking he will come back and fourth several times knocking. I don't feel guilty for being tired, I was just tired, I fell asleep. I'm just concerned that he really thinks I kicked him out (this to him means I want a divorce).

I worry because this is the longest in this house he has ever stayed out this long. The only other time is when we were staying the summer out of town at his mothers house. Funny he has been triggered by his mother this week and some money she sent him for his birthday. Angry at her for something that doesn't seem serious to me but to him it is.

My husband has not been officially diagnosed with BPD but he has an overwhelming amount of the symptoms, so much so that believe it or not when I gave him a symptom quiz he came back after reading and studying the saying "I think I have that thing... .you that thing you showed me? I read the symptoms, that sounds like me." I was surprised I thought he was going to be resistant but he has been in mental pain and at certain points looking for answers.

We have had disagreements, sometimes battles, some maybe normal marital discord, some NOT. The walking out triggers me. I just get so confused how he can do this when the other day he's telling me how much he loves me. He's always told me I was his soul mate. Maybe he told them all that but I felt it too, and I have been married before (twice) so I know the difference. We were separated for 7 years before we got back and got married and the love never faded.

I DO know the difference between my feelings for someone and the decisions I make regarding boundaries. During those 7 years we kept in contact and I set my boundaries and did not let him date me again until things were right but the love never faded, he said it never faded for him either.

When you love someone like this it doesn't go away because they do something wrong. The feeling is still there.

In marriage, for us, in our religion, divorce is only allowed in very specific conditions. And I don't just follow a man on this I am following written law which he also follows. I really don't want a divorce. Nor does he, he'll say all the time, then he keeps bringing it up in fights. I'm not good enough for you. You can divorce me get a better man.

Thanks for this forum and support.


I'm very depressed.

I'm sorry for the pain you are going through.  I hope he comes back soon safely with a better outlook on things.  Perhaps you can suggest marriage counseling. I would probably let him bring up the BPD during counseling, if in fact he agrees to go.  Let him know that you love him deeply and will always be there through everything.
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soulmate

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« Reply #3 on: May 27, 2016, 10:30:09 AM »

Update: He was arrested for shoplifting. He has stolen alcohol in the past because he doesn't want to spend our household budget on drink. I thought we were past that and he realized neither option is healthy.

I did not go to the hearing this morning. I will let him deal with his issues himself. Sometimes when we are overly concerned/involved in these type of things they can't see themselves. He needs to face that part of himself by himself. I will support any recovery efforts for sure.
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Cloudy Days
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« Reply #4 on: May 27, 2016, 10:34:35 AM »

That's a lot to go through   I see that you do have some boundaries already with your husband, that is good. A lot of people come to these boards not even knowing what boundaries are, I certainly didn't.  

I really think that your husband will come back, if there is one thing I know about my husband is that his extreme feelings are temporary. This may be something he throws in your face in the future but he'll most likely come back. I hear you on the alcohol thing, my husband will do one of two things, he either drinks or smokes pot. I can't stand to be around him when he drinks as you can imagine why.

The divorce thing always comes up with me too. Even when we are doing fairly good he will throw it in. Maybe we should just divorce... .so causally. Seems like your husband uses it so you will take pity on him. He doesn't feel he is good enough for you, I've seen that too with my husband. They push you away because they don't like themselves. Always push/pull, its very confusing.

Are you getting any kind of therapy? Have you talked to your husband about getting any kind of therapy? The way you describe introducing BPD to your husband is how I introduced it to mine. I showed him a list of symptoms and just asked him if he felt he had any of them and he said yes to all but one. Then I said well you will benefit from this therapy, It was on a DBT therapy website.

It seems you are very worried about him right now because he has not come back, this is where you sort of have to detach with love and realize that you cannot protect them from themselves. You will worry yourself sick if you get too stuck on focusing on them. It's hard to do because you love him but sometimes you have to step back and just take care of yourself. Is there anything you can do for you to take your mind off of things?

I just seen your update, it's good that you are not trying to rescue him. He needs to take care of his stuff himself so you don't become the caretaker/rescuer. I'm sure you are both worried and relieved because you now know where he is.  You may mention to him the DBT, the courts are usually more lenient on them if he chooses to get therapy on his own.
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soulmate

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« Reply #5 on: May 27, 2016, 10:35:32 AM »

Dacoming,

Thank you, I appreciate your support.
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soulmate

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« Reply #6 on: May 27, 2016, 11:07:07 AM »

Cloudy Days,

Thanks for the advice I will mention DBT for him when he calls. I am glad to have someone who understands what it's like to be married to someone with BPD characteristics. People sometimes relate to this as though it is a boyfriend and you can just chuck him when he does something wrong. But we are married.

As far as the way I am handling the case, not going and setting that boundary? Ironically, My husband is the one who really showed me how to be this way.

My daughter also missing from her Dad's since last night too! She does this often. She is is currently on probation.

You won't believe it but I have a daughter who after being held hostage and raped by a neighbor at aged 14 became a runaway and later had legal troubles of her own, she is now 17. Her father and my parents have been very unhealthy and toxic towards me about it, blaming me as being a bad parent (see the pattern). So when she had her court cases my husband told me not to go back into the ring for more abuse from my parents, ex, and my daughter. I raised her 15 years myself her father did nothing, she is now living with him.

My husband even suggested I turn off my phone since their calls were often either wasting my time making me chase her etc. When that didn't work he BROKE my phone in an argument. He broke is own too. I told him that was not good, or very gracious. Everything God provides us is a blessing.

But a funny thing happened. I was finally given some peace! I got another phone but control the number only allowing texts telling them my calls are limited. I got more school work done (I'm 42 back in school- film school).

I feel better doing that. I help on things like calling lawyers, school etc. but she will be 18 in 3 months. She MUST learn on her own or she will be crippled when she goes into adulthood. My mother is crippling her now and soliciting me to join in. All she does is rebel and has no awareness of self. Sometimes kids need to fall and scrape their knee and know not to do that next time. SElf-awareness.

Mu husband used to say, "don't go to HER hearings, you warned her many times she keeps repeating the mistake, let her handle it herself."

Same applies to him :-)

It was great advice!

See the co-dependency vein running through my family? Trying to break it... .today. Last night was rough but I am able to see myself better. I will untangle this mess I obviously created.

My husband will be judged, he will see himself, and he will heal... .or not, and he will go through the process again until he does. In many ways he was spared, as was I. I could have lost him or lost myself.

The Creator is helping me, I don't have to fight, I let go on Wed night. I didn't try to stop him from leaving like I usually do. I left it to God and he handled it for me. The only thing I really need to fight is my lack of faith. Things have a way of working themselves out, I should not have lost faith.


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soulmate

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« Reply #7 on: May 27, 2016, 11:36:01 AM »

I have NO one to talk to. My mother-in-law is why he claims he acts this way. My family is the origin of my co-dependency, very judgmental. Friends (most are not married) seem to either judge or come between or marriage. It's really a private affair.

This is my first time sharing this secret with anyone. I always fear they will think I'm crazy for being with him or think its me, not him.

The only one who is understanding is my teenage daughter she tried to help him get sober wed night when he was drinking. She is very patient and kind in a non-co-dependent way. But I honestly, don't think that is her burden, he likes her Stepdad and he loves her as a daughter but it's not her responsibility, so I try to not have him around her if he drinks, in fact it's kind of why he left I think he sensed I don't like him there when he's drinking. Mom, Dad, and both siblings were alcoholic. I never drink, at all, ever, or drugs, or meds. I raised her that way, but she does drink.
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Cloudy Days
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« Reply #8 on: May 27, 2016, 02:39:05 PM »

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Anyone on these boards can understand what you are going through because most of us have been through something at least somewhat similar. You are not crazy for being with him. Of course it is important to understand where we fall short on our own coping abilities, but none of it makes you crazy. It's important to focus on you and what you want. That's where that codependency tends to creep in for some of us, focusing on everyone else rather than ourselves. I got my codependency from my family as well, my parents were alcoholics and would fight a lot.

Have you thought about getting therapy for yourself? Typing is good but really being able to talk stuff out with someone is amazingly freeing. I know how hard it is not to be able to really talk to someone. I actually talk to my mother in law but I don't always like to tell her everything because it is her son and it breaks her heart to hear how he acts sometimes. I have gotten therapy before too and it helps to talk. 
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« Reply #9 on: May 27, 2016, 02:52:50 PM »

You do need to get therapy yourself... .but you already know what they are going to say. They will not say you are "crazy", but they will ask why you are in it and what will it take for you to leave. What will he have to do that will get you to leave? That's how it went for me. His therapist would ask me, why are you still there. I would just say, because he is my husband... .please help him. It was so discouraging. Mine went out like that allot. More so as time went by. Don't be surprised by anything he may be doing when he does this. I even had the police knock a motel door down because he was suicidal once... .at the the V.A.'s advice. It is overwhelming and now you have a child you are dealing with too. I suggest you find a NAMI meeting near you and take some classes. You need some help with both of your loved ones... .I am so sorry you are going through this. It is heartbreaking and scary I know.  
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Cloudy Days
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« Reply #10 on: May 27, 2016, 03:22:24 PM »

but they will ask why you are in it and what will it take for you to leave. What will he have to do that will get you to leave?

I was asked this too, I think it is an important question to ask. At the time I wasn't really sure why I was staying and the things that I thought would make me leave would come and go and I was still there. Also every therapist is different, I think it is important to find someone who knows what BPD is and more importantly has treated people with it. I actually felt bad for how I portrayed my husband on my first therapist, I eventually went through all of the reasons I stayed and they were mostly good reasons. I think it's just something you do in therapy, taking stock of why things are the way the are and figuring out how to make things better.
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soulmate

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« Reply #11 on: May 27, 2016, 04:59:11 PM »

He's been released... .a while ago. Hasn't arrived at home yet. He was sort of far but he should have been home by now. He didn't have his wallet or phone with him and ran out of subway fare.
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« Reply #12 on: May 27, 2016, 06:53:14 PM »

They will not say you are "crazy", but they will ask why you are in it and what will it take for you to leave. What will he have to do that will get you to leave? That's how it went for me. His therapist would ask me, why are you still there. I would just say, because he is my husband... .please help him. It was so discouraging.

You shouldn't have had to go through that. That's not good. This exactly why I don't go. I can torture myself with doubt just fine by myself, thank you. Sometimes I just really get a low opinion of traditional psycho therapy. It reminds me of the Marilyn Monroe and all the therapy and pills they gave women just to keep them quiet when their husbands came home late from work or whatever.

The answer to the question, "why are you with him?" is because I love him, and I want to be with him. Simple, no one can determine someone else's affections but I do understand concern about why one allows certain abusive or co-dependent behaviors. That is another topic and very valid.

I believe women adapt in all societies, they have their own ways of balancing the scales even in the MOST oppressed situations. I have Saudi friends who tell me there are women who are the complete boss of their husbands, especially when it comes to money and the household. But it is not shown to the outside world, its the price they pay for all of the restrictions in that society. They even say some women beat their husbands! I don't condone that, abuse is abuse. Maybe she was a BPD. But it just goes to show that power is adaptable. As I always say, "water seeks it's own level".

So I will try to consider religious counseling, in our case a Rabbi. On certain levels of Judaism, the Tikkun, correction of the soul is your soulmate or spouse.

I sometimes think therapists, and we as humans in general, over emphasize the physical, material and intellectual. There are real spiritual forces at work. Everything that happens to us is some reflection of ourselves so changing partners bring the same type of partner. Leaving a partner and staying alone brings the issues out in other people we interact with, friends, co-workers. We can't escape it. I am trying so hard to avoid victim-hood, another co-dependency trap. Like changing ourselves always involves the other person, not letting him do this, refusing to accept that... .always defining ourselves through someone else.

See this is my third marriage. I don't care about being married for the sake of marriage, or what anyone thinks about me. I just wonder if this is the way we are supposed to work out our Karma/spiritual lessons. Maybe when we change internally our spouses do so as well just by default.

Some people say what you expect is what you get. So we practice the art of allowing. Maybe we need to expect better. So is it that we work on ourselves and the world adapts to our internal reality? So we have to change ourselves first but not based on others (although we can learn from them). I don't know, but I like it when Esther Hicks says, "Stop trying to change the manifestation".

I say all of these philosophical words but, of course I haven't mastered anything. I am just a student who can be very vulnerable with a missing husband but I'm working on it :-)
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« Reply #13 on: May 27, 2016, 06:54:58 PM »

My daughter called earlier as well, Thank God.
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« Reply #14 on: May 27, 2016, 07:27:00 PM »

You do need to get therapy yourself... .but you already know what they are going to say. They will not say you are "crazy", but they will ask why you are in it and what will it take for you to leave. What will he have to do that will get you to leave?

This is an important question, and no its not just a flippant run message. It is simply clarifying your own position, your own "pros' if you like. You need to be clear about these as sometimes simply the duty of being married is not enough on its own to get you through tough times.

Trying to change someone else can be exhausting and often futile. However we can do a lot to protect ourselves so that we can manage these relationships better, and improve our quality of life. How we are feeling will reflect back on our partners, triggering a lot of the toxic aspects of their behavior. This is because much of their behavior is based on dysfunctional defensive reactions to their perceived attitudes of others.
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« Reply #15 on: May 27, 2016, 10:11:26 PM »

SOULMATE:

Sounds like others here have already given you some good advice and ideas.  Thought I'd add just one.  In addition to therapy and support already mentioned, you might consider some counseling from your church.  It sounds like your religion plays an important part in your life.

I think that working with someone trained to handle BPD and substance abuse in very valuable, but it could help to supplement that with some counseling from your church.  Some churches have group meetings for people with substance abuse problems and may offer some help with couples counseling.


Best wishes to you.
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