I'm new here and just feeling my way through this

[somuch]

So my SO has BPD. He doesn't think he has BPD but he does. Hits every criteria for the diagnosis except the suicidal behaviors. It is heart breaking for me. We are separated because part of his behavior pattern is to get physically abusive. But he was continuing the verbal/emotional abuse. I have been reading Walking on Eggshells. It helped some in my interactions with him but he never does any work on himself. Just me. Last week he went on a tirade (at least one per week, usually more) and I just hit my wall. I haven't talked with him in over a week. I feel so lost in this. I've just been using the time to read more.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

Hi somuch,

I'm glad you removed yourself from an unsafe situation. At the core of BPD is shame ("I'm a bad person". Do you feel he got angrier when you approached him talking about BPD?

Learning the communication tools is good, in order to reduce conflict and avoid triggers. The violence, however, he owns.

What are your feelings about reaching out to him, or if he reaches out to you?

Turkish

[Mutt]

Hi somuch,



I would like to join Turkish and welcome you. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. I'm happy to hear that you're safe. I can relate with how difficult separation feels like but it's also a good opportunity to heal and regroup our thoughts.

I'm glad to hear that Walking on Eggshells has helped you. I suggest to keep reading as much as you can about the disorder. You're seeing benefits now and you'll become proficient over time. We have lessons to the right of the board and I'll leave you with one of the tools in those lessons. I hope that helps.

TOOLS: Responding to domestic violence [women]

[somuch]

Hi somuch,

I'm glad you removed yourself from an unsafe situation. At the core of BPD is shame ("I'm a bad person". Do you feel he got angrier when you approached him talking about BPD?

Learning the communication tools is good, in order to reduce conflict and avoid triggers. The violence, however, he owns.

What are your feelings about reaching out to him, or if he reaches out to you?

Turkish

This was the first time I said anything about the BPD. I have been thinking it for a while. He knows what it is. I have hesitated to say anything because I knew it would upset him. But I finally got to the point that I would rather us end than him not face the reality. It upset him. Said he was really upset that I diagnosed him. I told him that I didn't care what he called it but he needed to get treatment. He offered to get help with distress tolerance but I worry that he is only doing it for me and not for himself, which won't work. I have thought about reaching out to him about 1000 times a day for the last 10 days but I'm so scared that I will just feed the cycle again.

[somuch]

I'm glad to hear that Walking on Eggshells has helped you. I suggest to keep reading as much as you can about the disorder. You're seeing benefits now and you'll become proficient over time. We have lessons to the right of the board and I'll leave you with one of the tools in those lessons. I hope that helps.

TOOLS: Responding to domestic violence [women]

It helps to read those things. I saw someone else on these boards say that they kept looking up domestic violence signs because she would lose the reality of what was happening and gloss it over in her mind. I do the same thing. As awful as he can be, he is also that wonderful. I know that what keeps us hopping back into the boiling pot and why I miss him so much.