It finally happened after 3 decades ...

[indifferent]

Hi everyone,

So I have a mother with nBPD, undiagnosed with no treatment, but I am confident through years of research that she meets several criteria. 

Im in my 30s, and I always remember screaming fights between my parents from when we were toddlers, then silent treatment for days or weeks, where she will lock herself in the bedroom and my dad would end up making us food or getting take outs, or she would make food but not sit with us. She made scenes in public, shouting at cashiers for not being rude to her, just being a very sensitive and angry person. I was so afraid of her all my life, I never could keep friendships This has been going on to this day.

On mothersday we visited my mom and mom in law separately, as my mom and in laws used to be friends but she had a falling out with them.  We arrived with flowers and chocolates, she was crying, came out to greet us and went back into her room. She stayed in there even when my brother came, she didnt bother to come greet them nor say goodbye. What a waste of time for us. Anyway, I worked at the family business which my dad and brother owns, but truth be told, she runs the show! I totally expected it, when I got to work on the monday, she was still angry, silent treatment and she has this disdainful look on her face. By wednesday its still going on, I kept wondering what the hell we did thats so wrong? By that afternoon I went to speak to my dad, I told him we are sick of beimg treated like this by her, he said he knows he has tried talking to her but to no avail. To be frank, he enables her, but he is an awesome dad and I love him! He has such a soft heart and a perfect target for a BPD.

He said she was angry because she said we lied, we took my in laws for lunch. Firstly, if I did that, I would say so, Im not a liar, but no, we didnt do it. She was this angry at us for a story she made up in her mind. She continued to be angry for over 2 weeks, this time I said to myself Im not grovelling. On Tuesday this week she had the audacity to say to me "everyone is out of the office, say want you want to say". She always does this, she gets angry then turns the table around. I said to her Im not the one with the problem she is, that shes been angry since mothersday. She tells me she does so much for me, she just wants to feel special (narcissistic alert), she says she was sick. Now bear in mind, by this point, this is a cycle that has gone on for decades, and Ive always been the one to grovel, be extra nice, forgive and just let go, with no apology or remorse from her side!

I said to her bull, you were not sick, I know the truth. She says I really was. Again, I said stop lying, own to up to it. I promise you her face changes to this evil grin, she says "so what"? I Said you can apologize for being angry and making up stories. She says no I wont. She proceeds to tell me what a bad person I am, that my husband and I think we're better than her, when we also have moodswings and get angry. That people thats not family is talking about what a bad person I am - this is btw not true, shes merely deflecting here or the people who is is being manipulated by her lies by telling them what Ive dine to her - even though I said who? She says she wont tell, I said dont throw things out there without backup.

She then told me the worst thing which I will never forgive her for! She said: You cannot have babies because youre a bad person.

I lost it, I told her to f$$k off and Im done.  I forgot to mention that I did resign from my dad last week, so I said to her Im leaving, and she said good, we dont need you.

My husband and I have struggled with infertility for over 6 years, its been the most heartbreaking thing to deal with.  What monster says that? 

The next day she sent me messages asking for forgiveness, she emailed me, my brother and our partners for forgiveness and I dont know what else, I just skimmed over it.

The abuse and suffer we've been through throughout all the years has been so hard:

- being criticized for things you do or dont do according to her, from minor to big, for example not texting her or making a birthday post on facebook at 6am although Ive taken great care to pick out gifts she mentioned she wanted, packaging it beautifully and buying a big array of treats and cakes for her and all the office staff... .this is insignificant to her, because I still failed in her eyes

- being held responsible for her happiness and not allowed to have a life without her, such as going on holidays without them etc.

- being ruled by fear every single day, and being punished by her anger or silent treatment whenever we did something to displease her

- never being good enough, but good enough for her to brag about you on social media but told otherwise behind closed doors

- being told im fat, because im no longer a size 8 but a size 10 (UK), or that bob hair makes me ugly

- not being allowed to be me, have my own opinions or view

- having to listen to her constant gossip about everyone in our family, people thinks she asks because she cares, but its merely for a piece of gossip

- being around her anger and negativity, listening to her calling people rude or women b*tches, throwing tantrums, being mean to people on the phone, slapping the phone or keyboard down in one of her ranges, even witnessing a physical attack on an ex employee because he resigned!

- seeing how she buys love, giving people stuff and money, as if helping them because shes a selfless and caring person, but its merely a tactic to get people on her side, helping her to build an image of samaritan when its a tool for her to control others and control the image therefore people wont believe who she really is.

Ive now gone NC with her, but I need help. Im in such a blessed stage of my life, we purchased our first dream home, Im startimg my own business etc. Although its only been a few days Im at times riddled with guilt. Did I over react all these years? Im only now realizing what utter control she had over me, and howmshe ruled me through fear.

Now since that happened, although I am guilt ridden, the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders! Im FREE! I miss my dad, and I feel bad for him, but he made his choice, I cannot do anything about that. At this stage my brother and his partner still works with her but want nothing to do with her in a personal capacity.

Any advice to self care or go through NC coming out a whole and better person on the other side?

Thanks so very much!

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Indifferent! 

Sounds like you reached the end of your rope with your uBPDm. I'm so sorry for the terrible pain she has caused you, not only recently but also through the years. It is so hard, and I get it. My uBPDm was very similar to yours, and the pain is unending.

She made scenes in public, shouting at cashiers for not being rude to her, just being a very sensitive and angry person. I was so afraid of her all my life, I never could keep friendships This has been going on to this day.

Totally relate here! The fear for me has been unending, and I'm only beginning to get a handle on it, and I'm nearly 53. The fear tends to follow one, and takes some dealing with, but gradually as we each progress through healing, slowly but surely it does come. I say that with confidence from the truths gained in my own life even over the past year.

  We arrived with flowers and chocolates, she was crying, came out to greet us and went back into her room. She stayed in there even when my brother came, she didnt bother to come greet them nor say goodbye.

I'm very sorry for how she treated you. BPDs within their disorder struggle so much with any perceived rejection (that you eluded to-the 'dinner out' fabrication), and no matter what you do, they are overwhelmed with their own feelings and cannot peak even a glimpse beyond themselves. Their world revolves around them.   So sad, but please know it has nothing to do with you at all. She makes it SEEM as if it is all your fault, but it is not. The symptoms you describe definitely sound like they could be BPD traits. Obviously we cannot diagnose here, but we all know the truth that our family member most likely has BPD.

She then told me the worst thing which I will never forgive her for! She said: You cannot have babies because youre a bad person.

How sorry I am for the incredible hurt she inflicted on you with this comment! So totally inappropriate and not true! And to think a mother said this! Beyond unkind! You may need an extra hug or two.    I can see why you chose to go NC with her.

I maintained LC with my now deceased uBPDm for years, and that helped me to survive, yet I always felt the weight of 'obligation' that I needed to be in touch at least via phone every 4 to 6 weeks. Then the cold shoulder or often hearing her endless repetition of merry go round topics. I know there are other members here who have gone NC that will be especially able to relate to you in this area. Nonetheless, I do understand the FOG over not having contact. It is that emotional entanglement that keeps us bound to them and like a spider's web, it is harder than hard to get all the cobwebs off of us.

Have you read any books about BPD that may help you? I recommend Understanding The Borderline Mother and here is a link: https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/understanding-borderline-mother  It is a tough read but very validating and enlightening from my observations. Remember that not all scenarios apply to every individual if you decided to delve into the pages of this book.

Here is a link for you to read about FOG:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

Wishing you emotional rest this day! 


Wools

[Amelia]

Hi indifferent! I'm a fairly new member of this site so I don't have a lot of advice to share. I just wanted to provide you with a little bit of validation in that your post sounds so familiar to me. Even the title of your thread is something I can relate to after my relationship with my uBPD mother has failed recently when I decided I was no longer willing to tolerate being manipulated by my mother. A lot of the symptoms and examples you provided have also happened with my mother. You're not alone, and you don't have to second-guess yourself. Your instincts are very powerful and it's okay to listen to them, and it's okay to put your own needs first for a change. I hope this gets easier for all of us over time!

[indifferent]

@woolspinner

@amelia

I wish to thank you both for replying! I will definetely read the recommended book. I cannot tell you how nice it is to jave someone thats not family tell me that im not crazy. But i suppose it will take time to recover, this is how i was born and raised, one doesnt just change the memories in a day. My thoughts are with you both, and I wish you well and success in your difficult relationships. I found this quote the other day, and i hope it helps you as much as it did me:

You are allowed to terminate toxic relationships. You are allowed to walk away from people who hurt you. You dont owe ANYONE an explanation for taking care of yourself!

Lets practice healthy selfishness and self love from hereon.

x x x

[MiserableDaughter]

I cannot believe she took such a low blow about the baby issue... .How horrible and yet, this is how they are. I will never forget my mother saying, "I hope your daughter punishes you, the way you have punished me!" All I had done, like you, was try to have my own life. I was a newly wed etc. I've been told that "even mothers curse their kids if the kids hurt them." Or the other... ."God should punish those who come between a mother and a daughter." (Referring to my husband) So they are more than capable of being absolutely horrible human beings. She has said many more things like that to me, and trust me, I will never forget. This is why I cannot truly love her. In fact, I don't even think I like her. I tolerate her and do my duties when I need to... .By the way, for me the only escape was moving across the country. I could not have stayed close by and just been a punching bag with my toddler a mere prop to admire her... .You did the right thing. I applaud you for the bravery I never had! Stay strong for all of us! At least your dad listened. Mine enabled even more by complimenting her over and over in front of us like a trained parrot. You did the right thing. You need a separate healthy life for yourself outside of her toxicity.

[Pilpel]

I think you did the right thing by getting some distance.  NC doesn't have to be forever.  But I think getting some distance for awhile would be good for you.  It could even be good for your mom.  

[indifferent]

I cannot believe she took such a low blow about the baby issue... .How horrible and yet, this is how they are. I will never forget my mother saying, "I hope your daughter punishes you, the way you have punished me!" All I had done, like you, was try to have my own life. I was a newly wed etc. I've been told that "even mothers curse their kids if the kids hurt them." Or the other... ."God should punish those who come between a mother and a daughter." (Referring to my husband) So they are more than capable of being absolutely horrible human beings. She has said many more things like that to me, and trust me, I will never forget. This is why I cannot truly love her. In fact, I don't even think I like her. I tolerate her and do my duties when I need to... .By the way, for me the only escape was moving across the country. I could not have stayed close by and just been a punching bag with my toddler a mere prop to admire her... .You did the right thing. I applaud you for the bravery I never had! Stay strong for all of us! At least your dad listened. Mine enabled even more by complimenting her over and over in front of us like a trained parrot. You did the right thing. You need a separate healthy life for yourself outside of her toxicity.

Thank you for your comment! I know right, what a low blow, but like you say, we expect it from them. Im also sorry to hear about the cruelties your own mother habe you. Im not sure if your mother is religious since she brought  God, we are Christian, and always hear about verses that we should honor our parents, but once you are married you and your husband is one, and you are meant to leave your parents, your husband is now your family. Its not about a husband getting between a mother and daughter, but now a mother coming between what God has joined together - Genesis 2:24

With regards to parents, Ephesians 6:4 tells them to not anger and provoke their children! A verse that is conveniently never spoken about when we are told to honour them.

Im sorry for bringing this up if youre not religious! I mean no offense!

I know what you mean, I also domt think I love her and I def dont like her. Thank you! My husband and my faith gives me strength, without it Im not sure I wouldve been anle to break these toxic ties.

I wish you fhe best! Continue to work on creating a toxic free environment for your family! Xx

[indifferent]

I think you did the right thing by getting some distance.  NC doesn't have to be forever.  But I think getting some distance for awhile would be good for you.  It could even be good for your mom.  

Thank you, like you say, it may only be temporary but the distance will guaranteed be good!

[rebl.brown]

I'm so proud of you for seeing the truth and dealing with it. You have done well. I grew up in the same type of family environment. Keep at it. I still struggle with the guilt even when I'm NC. Abusive parents can really set you up. I just want to encourage you to keep working on seeing the truth and healing

[Charlie3236]

Hey indifferent! I logged on here tonight for some help in dealing the the same thing... .The FOG. My uBPDm committed suicide after years of horrible abuse, and I thought I was finally free from all of this! (YAY)

But now it seems my little sister has decided to follow in her footsteps. (That is if BPD is a choice?) We had a workable relationship until I had a baby and she's basically COMPLETELY LOST IT. We've gone back and forth between LC and NC for the past few years.

My life is oddly peaceful and non-complex without her in it. But I have a tremendous amount of guilt just letting her drown in her own pathology. Even though I logically know that there's NOTHING I can do, and she's made it clear that she hates me and doesn't want my help anyway! Yet still every day I feel I should reach out to her and try help her. Why? She's been nothing but nasty and manipulative for as long as I can remember.

It's amazing the strong ties family have on you! I'm glad MiserableDaughter put it into words... .They've made it impossible to love or even like them. So where does the crazy obligation come from? Because the BPDs clearly don't feel the same type of commitment to the relationship!