Imagination

[Depression = 72% of members]

PwBPD was in the kitchen, which he had just cleaned up as he was cooking, and he burnt his hand getting something out of the oven. A little later, he said with a very serious face "when I burned my hand I was convinced that it was your fault because the kitchen is in such a mess. But I know that can't be true. It often happens that I blame you when my brain isn't working right".

Well, we talked about it a bit. Stupidly, though, I didn't talk to him about how I should react to such things. He's been disregulation a lot recently (have to get my brain round the whole situation yet) and I have to find a way to deal with it. Has anyone else had such a situation - where there is blame, and then at some stage realisation that something is not correct - and how did they react?

[foggydew]

PwBPD was in the kitchen, which he had just cleaned up as he was cooking, and he burnt his hand getting something out of the oven. A little later, he said with a very serious face "when I burned my hand I was convinced that it was your fault because the kitchen is in such a mess. But I know that can't be true. It often happens that I blame you when my brain isn't working right".

Well, we talked about it a bit. Stupidly, though, I didn't talk to him about how I should react to such things. He's been disregulation a lot recently (have to get my brain round the whole situation yet) and I have to find a way to deal with it. Has anyone else had such a situation - where there is blame, and then at some stage realisation that something is not correct - and how did they react?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi foggydew 

it sounds like your partner is fairly self aware about his feelings and cognitive distortions - thats a big part of the battle, and i imagine that him communicating this helps you to be in the know. is he in therapy?

how are things going today?

[foggydew]

Thanks, one removed. Yes, I felt pretty good about it to some extent... .but it was merely a small window in time. He went on to disregulate massively and now he is barely talking. After I walked out on his bad treatment of me, he came down a bit and manages to be fairly civil. He is very depressed, things are not going well for him and I think he didn't get a job he applied for. I didn't ask and he didn't volunteer the information after the interview. He went to bed and has been there more or less ever since. No, he's not in therapy and seems unlikely to get there. But he does realise that all is not ok with him. He is trying to stop drinking and smoking ... staying in bed keeps him away from that.

[once removed]

a lot can occur in small windows of time, these can be volatile relationships, and its not always easy to see the big picture in terms of improvement. sometimes, as the saying goes, it can feel like one step forward, two steps back.

how would you describe the overall trajectory of your relationship?

[foggydew]

Very good question. And not an easy one to answer - in some respects, there is more stability and he does acknowledge the relationship more at times... which gives me confidence. But that is if I look at the big picture. I have to consider the happenings in his life, too, which are anything but positive. Job loss, pressure from his family, feeling overwhelmed, trying to cut down on alcohol and smoking... .not easy for a stable personality. However, the constant baiting, criticism and not talking to me has an effect - I am beginning to withdraw, though I don't want to. I feel more like a caretaker than anything else. He has just thanked me on social media, and said he couldn't make it without me... .but who knows if he means it. I'll see him tomorrow, and it will go on somehow. I guess I need him (but he doesn't have to be too close) and it would appear he needs me, in spite of the push.

Thanks for setting me on to this interesting aspect.