What do I need to do? Ive been silent for three years.

[Trygvasson]

Hi,

I need help and advice! Ive been alone with this for too long.

After reading about BPD on this pageit too me seem very likely that my wife (we have been dating for 3 years and married for 5 years) has BPD or some some of the traits. At home, I walk on eggshells, her mood is very up and down and I constantly get blamed for everything.

It seems like all of the "episodes" are around the fact that she feels that I dont see her, that I dont understand her and that I dont meet her needs / respect her boundries. A very small situation happens and it triggers the reaction. There seem to be 100s of situations like thes and she put a lot of shame on me (She say that Im a terrible person, that I dont love her etc) while sometimes being very very upset. Her only solution to our relationship is that I must change.

She has talked about divorce for 2,5 years, I have keep trying and trying to meet all her needs and over and over appologizing for all situations that occur. Im not happy in this relationship, but I dont want a divorce - I want to keep fighting, I love her. However I ask for help from you.

What is your advice on the first set of conversation I need to talk with her about in order start a process where things eventually gets better?

Its close to a break-up now.

Thanks

Trygvasson

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[peaceandlove]

Welcome Trygvasson,

good for you for breaking your silence. i too am new to the board, and have found reading some of the tools to be helpful.  i'm sure some of the seasoned posters will be along soon. just want to say to make sure you are taking care of your own needs as well, i have found that if i don't no one else will.  

peaceandlove

[w9isgrate]

Hi Trygvasson,

I'm genuinly sorry for what you have been going through. I have been going through much the same for longer.

I too am a married man with a BPD wife. I also dont want a divorce and cant please my wife. Your question is the same I have lived with for years. There is no easy answer, and I'm not certain what I suggest is the best thing to do.

I would suggest approaching your wife about the fact you suspect she maybe BPD. I would do it in the most non-finger pointing way as possible, coming from a perspective of caring, love, and support. You may even ask for some users to suggest wording, how it is presented matters, allot.

When I tried with my wife, she denied it (she is well informed about it though which tells me she suspects it as well). I hope a better outcome for you.

Peace brother.

-Your Friend  

[ForeverDad]

As a general rule we don't encourage our members, especially newly arrived ones, to mention a diagnostic label to the other person.  Yes, it may fit but, sadly, it is typically not received well at all.  One behavior of pwBPD is Blaming, as already noted above, and closely related is Blame Shifting.  The point is that you would be lectured that it's never the other's fault.   Rather than the person pausing and pondering over what it meant and whether it truly applied, many would reject the concept outright as an attack and possibly even throw it back at you and insist you're the one with it - that's called projecting.

Perhaps a more neutral approach would be something like, "Clearly WE are having problems and seeing a counselor would be great for US.  Let's have some sessions and see where that goes... ."  That way you're not pointing fingers and maybe, maybe, it won't turn into a BlameFest.  Believe it or not, domestic court, therapists, counselors and other professionals prefer not to throw around diagnostic labels, they generally stick with the behaviors and perceptions.  That way the sensitive persons aren't so easily triggered.  Though they often get triggered no matter what happens.

While no children have been mentioned in this thread, I'll mention a mistake I made, innocently of course, but it factored greatly into my divorce and life ever since.  It's having children.  I saw my now-Ex was sad, even depressed, she always saw the negatives of life.  Hoping to counteract that negativity, we discussed having children, even seeing a reproduction specialist.  Well, we had a boy.  I noticed an immediate shift in her.  It was almost as though she had to draw away from me to be close to our baby.  Well, things rapidly got worse.  My relatives were all rejected. Few things I did were enough. The rants and rages became more and more frequent.  Eventually I had to protect myself since I was no longer seen as Mr. Fantastic, I was now perceived as Mr Evil Personified.

Would the marriage have survived if we had no children?  I'll never know but I suspect not, it was already heading downhill.  So I now have a saying... .While children are wonderful blessings, they don't fix a dysfunctional marriage and there's high risk it greatly complicates unwinding a relationship.  After all, with children the relationship can't end and both walk away, there will always be the children requiring some level of contact.  I spent about 8 years in and out of family court until the order was finally workable.  At best, a decade treading water.

[gotbushels]

Hi Trygvasson  

Welcome to the boards! I look forward to you sharing more of your story.

I'm sorry things have been difficult lately with your relationship. I'm also sorry that it appears to be heading downhill and close to a break-up. Walking on eggshells at home is apt for many here in a relationship with a upwBPD.

I found this was very similar to my relationship:

It seems like all of the "episodes" are around the fact that she feels that I dont see her, that I dont understand her and that I dont meet her needs / respect her boundries. A very small situation happens and it triggers the reaction. There seem to be 100s of situations like thes and she put a lot of shame on me (She say that Im a terrible person, that I dont love her etc) while sometimes being very very upset. Her only solution to our relationship is that I must change.

I don't know the character of your wife but from what I understand, nons have to take quite a large guidance role in setting the direction of the relationship toward recovery. Therefore, I would respectfully advise against approaching your wife as w9isgrate suggested.

Before you talk with her, I would suggest starting with an open heart and mind. peaceandlove mentioned that reading the tools has been helpful. They helped me a lot too. peaceandlove also mentioned

just want to say to make sure you are taking care of your own needs as well, i have found that if i don't no one else will.  

I think learning the tools is a good way to take care of both you and your wife while you figure things out.

I would start simply by working with the lessons on the bar to the right of this thread. Understanding (steps 1 and 2) helped me a lot too.

If you would like space quickly during an "episode" as you described above (I certainly did), I would check out Validation as one of the very first things:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation

This video is excellent to help you understand more:

https://bpdfamily.org/2013/06/validation-encouraging-peace-in-BPD.html

Here are the site's acronyms to help you:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=26601.0

Good luck and I hope you have rest.

p.s. ForeverDad thank you for sharing your generous and helpful story.