Can't make heads or tails of this and need help.

[w9isgrate]

Me and my wife (I think she is BPD) went through allot last summer. At some point the fighting got really bad. I decided to just end the fighting through disengagement, active listening, and trying to problem solve. Things are slightly better (allot less fighting). Although my wife continues her attacks on me brining up all the stuff we fought about last summer. There is continued financial stress (which was caused by her) which I think keeps aggravating her, and since she has no one to lash out at, it ends up being me. This morning one of our older daughters stepped in a jacuzzi tub my wife likes and cracked it. My wife went irrate on me (I was the one who told her) saying I would have to pay for it, because I told our daughter to close the window (I didn't tell her to close it, my daughter attested to it). I spoke to my wife at lunch and she just went on and on about how much she hates me, and how I have destroyed her life. She says she is never speaking to me and is going to make my life hell, then asks me, "Aren't you going to get a divorce?". I say "No, I want our family to stay together, If you are so unhappy and I am the cause, why don't you get a divorce". She wont answer, wont say yes or no, or any kind of response.

So I'm left with this.

If she is correct and I am truly the cause of the our bad relationship (she isn't BPD) then I should try and correct the things I have done wrong (which I have been really trying since we stopped fighting although it doesn't seam to improve her mood or her feelings torwards me).  Meanwhile she has done very little to improve her behaviour or issues. I feel like I'm not getting anywhere and I am always second guessing saying "maybe she is BPD" and this is a disorder making my life miserable.

On the other hand, I can conclude she has BPD, and it is the disorder talking (which I am more likely to conclude this, obviously since it lets me off the hook and places the blame on her disorder). The pitfall here is that I ignore her feelings, and the relathionship is never repaired. I see this as a general pitfall of this entire site. I venture to believe allot of people who think they are with someone that has BPD and maybe they aren't.

We have tried marriage counseling although in marriage counseling, the counselor gives equal weight to each person and the patient is the relationship. If one person is coming from a point of unreason, my experience is the counselor is not inclinded to call them out, becasue it appears unfair, and allot of unfair behaviour can be hidden in bickering and denial, and it may take a really long time to know the true nature of the suspected BPD.         

So what am I to conclude? Why does my wife talk about hating me passionatly but doesn't want to ask for a divorce?

I feel really confused, and really upset. I've been going through this and comtemplating it for a long time.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi w9isgrate,

Welcome and hello 

You've thrown yourself into repairing the relationship and made a big difference. Cutting down the conflict is a big deal, not easy whether the person is BPD or not. And even with your very best efforts, you are left feeling confused and upset. You've come to the right place 

I feel your pain trying to determine whether a spouse is BPD or not. It's hard even for professionals to diagnose, especially if there are other things going on like depression, OCD, bipolar, substance abuse, etc.

Your wife may have emotional limitations that are very real; you may have emotional strengths and problem-solving skills that can be applied. This eliminates the need to find fault.

We're here to walk alongside you and share some skills that can make a difference.

LnL

[w9isgrate]

Well I guess news came out that her brother is getting a divorce. So my wife finally decided she would like one as well, and she asked me for it. I was crushed and still am. Dont know what to do or think. Really upset. 

[livednlearned]

Well I guess news came out that her brother is getting a divorce. So my wife finally decided she would like one as well, and she asked me for it. I was crushed and still am. Dont know what to do or think. Really upset. 

Oof. I'm so sorry, w9isgrate. I would be upset too. And confused   Why does her brother's divorce mean she wants one too?

How did she bring it up? What kind of interaction did you have when she mentioned she wanted a divorce?

[w9isgrate]

My wife had been really angry and nasty with me for about a week. She would always make an excuse why she was so angry (PMS, tired, stressing out) as if to say, dont worry its me (her). I was trying to get out of her what was going on. When she told me about her brothers divorce, I said "Is this whats going to happen to us now". At first she used loose language, like "if we got a divorce" then I started pressing her saying "what do you mean if? Do you want a divorce?" After some more loose language she finally said "Yes, I want a divorce". I reacted poorly, just got really upset, walked away, cried, etc etc. The rest of the night was pretty much being upset, no real intense fighting or discussion.

The vast majority of our problems started after our 4th child was born 2 yrs ago. After my wife weened her, my wife stopped taking her SSRI meds. She went a on a spending spree (about $20K), neglected paying our home taxes for a year, started going out 3 to 4 nights a week, coming home drunk, being driven home from bars, got hair extensions and died her hair blond from black, then she wanted plastic surgery to repair scarring from an accident. INsurance wouldn't cover, she got it anyway, despite the spending sprees, not paying bills, and spending her entire income. This caused allot of fighting. After the surgery I stepped away from the fighting by disengagment. I have always pointed to stopping the SSRI meds as the cause of this out of control spiral. She has told me a couple of times she started taking them, only to tell me she wasn't really taking them.

Yesterday, the day after the divorce notification, I implored her to rethink it, maybe start taking the SSRI meds. She said she had started taking them again (who know if its true) and it had only been two days, she needed time for the meds to kick in and feel better. She said has to think about what she wants. Today she said shes not divorcing me. Its like a pendulum.

I mentioned to her a long time ago that I was afraid one day she would stop taking her meds and ask for a divorce. It was just a feeling I had long ago. Now its happening. 

Today