Coping strategies for demands and criticisms?

[Depression = 72% of members]

 

Hi everyone. I've been working on many things from the lessons, particularly not letting myself JADE, but I'm getting frustrated. My partner's constant demands and criticisms (both blatant and veiled) just wear me down.

I'm sure you all know what i mean. He complains and yells that I never do X Y & Z, but when I do X, he immediately says something negative, sometimes about my looks or that I don't look happy,,despite that I'm tired and exhausted. He's rarely ever grateful, and when he is it goes like this: "thanks for X, thats how you SHOULD treat me! So tomorrow I can count on Y & Z?" How do I handle this without triggering rage? The best luck I've had is to just keep saying positive things like "hey I did X, look at that. Isn't that great?" And basically ignoring him. Any other suggestions?

Also, he constantly comments on my looks. Ive gained some weight over the past 1-2 years, but have been working hard to get in shape again. He thinks it's fine to tell me when I'm looking bad, such as yesterday when I had a very demanding day with only 4 hours of sleep because he became angry the night before and wouldn't let me sleep (another issue!). He kept saying, "your eyes look dead!" "You're hunching over" "what's wrong with you!" Of course I try being reasonable, but he just is angry that I'm not looking good enough. When I do look good enough in his opinion, he tells me that too... .And if I am not super enthusiastic about his comment, he again gets angry. Any thoughts on how to squash this?

[JWstillhoping]

 

Hi everyone. I've been working on many things from the lessons, particularly not letting myself JADE, but I'm getting frustrated. My partner's constant demands and criticisms (both blatant and veiled) just wear me down.

I'm sure you all know what i mean. He complains and yells that I never do X Y & Z, but when I do X, he immediately says something negative, sometimes about my looks or that I don't look happy,,despite that I'm tired and exhausted. He's rarely ever grateful, and when he is it goes like this: "thanks for X, thats how you SHOULD treat me! So tomorrow I can count on Y & Z?" How do I handle this without triggering rage? The best luck I've had is to just keep saying positive things like "hey I did X, look at that. Isn't that great?" And basically ignoring him. Any other suggestions?

Also, he constantly comments on my looks. Ive gained some weight over the past 1-2 years, but have been working hard to get in shape again. He thinks it's fine to tell me when I'm looking bad, such as yesterday when I had a very demanding day with only 4 hours of sleep because he became angry the night before and wouldn't let me sleep (another issue!). He kept saying, "your eyes look dead!" "You're hunching over" "what's wrong with you!" Of course I try being reasonable, but he just is angry that I'm not looking good enough. When I do look good enough in his opinion, he tells me that too... .And if I am not super enthusiastic about his comment, he again gets angry. Any thoughts on how to squash this?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Bpdsupporter]

This is a good time to set some boundaries. Letting him know that those comments hurt your feelings and you would appreciate it if he would not make those comments about your looks is putting up a boundary. It's telling him that those comments are unacceptable. Have you tried telling him how you feel? Have you told him that when he makes comments about your looks it makes you sad? Bpd or not being honest about your feelings is always a good thing especially for you. Even if he may not understand or even be able to validate your feelings it's always good to let it out. One great amazing thing we can learn from our pwBPD is that they are always completely forthcoming about their emotions. Sometimes it hurts others feelings but they don't trap how they feel inside. We all can learn alot from them in that regard. I'm a classic feeling stuffer myself and one thing my pwBPD has taught me and has encouraged me to do is be honest about my feelings. It gets tricky cause it's not about blaming someone or accusing them for how you feel. It's just expressing yourself if your sad it's ok to let someone know. Have no expectations just know that getting it out is always super healing. Oh also I suggest you bring it up not in the middle of an argument but maybe at a time when you are both calm and enjoying each other. That way the environment will be more conducive for him to really hear you out.

Oh one more thing I highly suggest you write out all the emotions you are feeling when you think about those comments, and also try and see if those feelings existed before you were in this relationship. Try to think back about other times in your life when you felt those emotions. What were the triggers. Go as far back as you can remember. This assignment is purely for your benefit. It really has nothing to do with him at all. It's about you getting the healing you need. Once you get healed nobody can ever tear you down again. You will be able to stand up for you without fear and anger and sadness. Hope this helps. And always feel free to inbox me if you need to talk more about all this. Peace friend!

[JWstillhoping]

Hi and thank you for your advice!

I have told him how I feel about his comments, and his responses have been mostly angry, as if I'm trying to stifle his honesty. And also he tells me it is his right to say these things. So, boundaries are difficult here, as I'm not yet sure what I can manage. One thing I've done is refuse to tell him how much I weigh. He wanted to monitor my weight loss for a while, and I just refused. Many blowups later, I've held strong to that one.

If you have any other thoughts on boundaries, I would be interested. So far, I try not to engage when he talks about that, but again he will follow me until he's been able to offload his opinions.

So not much luck there yet, but I do occasionally journal my feelings, thanks for the idea to write them down every time. I need to have an outlet - not just holding onto them and growing resentful. I appreciate that.

[waverider]

Yep you are using validation where you should be using boundaries, s a result you are validating inappropriate behavior that is to you detriment.

Also boundaries are not about you telling him you needs, that is just demands, that he can and will ignore.

SETTING BOUNDARIES

[waverider]

One great amazing thing we can learn from our pwBPD is that they are always completely forthcoming about their emotions. Sometimes it hurts others feelings but they don't trap how they feel inside. We all can learn alot from them in that regard. I'm a classic feeling stuffer myself and one thing my pwBPD has taught me and has encouraged me to do is be honest about my feelings.

This is an important point. When we hold our feelings inside, they sense that, and it seems suspicious to them and you look guilty of some horrendous secret.

Of course we cant let them all out all the time, but pwBPD can cope with an outpouring every now and again. They may react badly but they do get over it. This is their normal language of communication.

Secrets make you sick

[JWstillhoping]

Thanks waverider. I can see that I've allowed this to continue by validating his unacceptable behavior. Boundaries are so hard for me. I've read and read the lessons and thread, but putting into practice is tough. Lots more work to do on myself.

[JWstillhoping]

I've started journaling again, but it seems like I just don't have enough time to write everything out, there's so much. That's a sign right there... .I've let it build up too far. I'm walking on eggshells today, and wish I had someone to share my feelings with. I cannot talk to my BF as he's never able to truly listen. If I tell my family, they all get angry at him for mistreating me. The few friends I have - I don't want to burden them. Ugh. Write write write.

[waverider]

I've started journaling again, but it seems like I just don't have enough time to write everything out, there's so much. That's a sign right there... .I've let it build up too far. I'm walking on eggshells today, and wish I had someone to share my feelings with. I cannot talk to my BF as he's never able to truly listen. If I tell my family, they all get angry at him for mistreating me. The few friends I have - I don't want to burden them. Ugh. Write write write.

When it comes to journaling take a tip from the nature artists, concentrate on setting out the tree trunks, not the leaves and you will have a more balanced picture.

Much of what you journal will simply be multiple symptoms of the same underlying issue. Identifying those paths helps your focus.