Tired and devalued

[foggydew]

This is exhausting. PwBPD lost his job some weeks ago, and has been off the scale since then. He was also trying to stop smoking and drinking - or at least reduce it - and having a little success, so that is good, but his behaviour to me has been excruciating. Firstly not speaking or snapping at me for a few days, then a whole day of gaslighting (I'm showing signs of Alzheimers, my hearing is going, I obviously don't notice this). I just ignored this, and carried on as usual. Then there was a lull when he needed my support to deal with his stepfather and half brother, who travelled 300 miles to help him renovate his flat. He had decided to travel home with me to be there too.

This was a nice gesture on their part - but they always dictate what he has to do, and he isn't allowed to have an opinion. So I had to convince them that their plans for ripping out some good wooden floor were not perhaps the best. They also stayed in my flat during the time they were here, and I gave up my bed for the father(who likes to go to bed early) and slept on the couch. I cooked for them, etc. because they didn't want to go out to eat. I gave the brother a mobile telephone I didn't need. They gave me no information about their intentions. The father just managed to say goodbye to me before he left, the brother didn't. They just make it obvious that I am not important.

We travelled back down to the other flat, where I pay a bit towards the rent. At first, his behaviour was fine, normal, confiding, considering his situation. Then he didn't feel good because he was a bit deaf. Again, he stopped talking to me or would just snap. When we went out he sat apart from me and read a newspaper. He would be relatively friendly to everyone except me. When he did speak, he would bait me. But I just kept flat and unimpressed and carried on as normal. On Monday night, however, I just had had enough. It had continued all of May. I said I wanted to talk to him... so he sat down demonstratively at the computer and didn't look at me. I repeated, and he said 'Keep it short'.

I told him that from his behaviour it seemed he didn't want me there and I wanted some clarity. 'We've been too close together too long' was his answer.

So I asked him if he wanted to continue our contact (relationship is hardly the right word). ' Yes' was his answer. ' But a break is good'.

So I left and drove the 250 miles back during the night because I really couldn't stand another day or night of coping.

After my day and night of freedom pwBPD arrived at his flat after driving all night. Distant and unpleasant at first, but then becoming more normal. He did a bit of work on his flat, spent the evening with me, arranged that we should go out for a meal tonight ... .then changed his mind and drove back. His ideas are so fragmented, he can't keep to anything at the moment. One minute he's berating me for my stupid political views, the next minute he has taken them on and is complaining about someone who has opposing ideas.

And I'm tired and feel desperately unimportant at the moment.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Maybe loosing his job has made him feel devalued. having his dad and brother taking over may have increased the feeling of being incapable. This may be followed by projecting these feelings onto you assuming this is what you think of him. The result being defensiveness, which in BPD land means lashing out first.

Your natural reaction to this would be not wanting to be around him, which fuels abandonment and validates his feeling of not being worthy, and so it escalates.

The issues and attitudes he is throwing up are probably just smokescreens that you need to ignore

[foggydew]

Thanks, Waverider. You may be right. What is also new is that he appears to be jealous of the fact that I seem to be able to make and keep new friends, while he has great difficulties, and that I have more success in a couple of projects /games we do together than he has (but only because I do more work on them). This fits in with what you say. Before he was very supportive of my attempts, now he just says it's no fun with me any more.

I also don't know whether to be happy or worried about his taking on mannerisms from me, and eliminating almost all facebook friends that we don't share. He sometimes tells me how much he hates himself, and that he has thoughts that he doesn't like to be alone with. In the more lucid moments he agrees to see a therapist, but then just doesn't do anything about it.

I do try to keep validating, but sometimes it's difficult because I need a bit of support sometimes too. I can't talk about the problems with anyone now.

[Bpdsupporter]

Maybe loosing his job has made him feel devalued. having his dad and brother taking over may have increased the feeling of being incapable. This may be followed by projecting these feelings onto you assuming this is what you think of him. The result being defensiveness, which in BPD land means lashing out first.

Your natural reaction to this would be not wanting to be around him, which fuels abandonment and validates his feeling of not being worthy, and so it escalates.

The issues and attitudes he is throwing up are probably just smokescreens that you need to ignore

I think waverider nailed it! When our partners get all snarky like this and began taking it out on us it usually is projection. And those who love and care for them the most usually get it the worst. So it sounds like you are super important to him. Unfortunately it's alot to deal with. It's a whole lot to take sometimes. It's not easy trying to stay calm when someone seems like they are constantly squashing your self confidence. It's very very challenging and frustrating. But our partners are mentally ill and we have chosen to be with them therefore we have to show compassion to them and ourselves. Compassion involves boundaries self care validation listening and empathy, which seems completely counterintuitive when it seems like someone is hurting you. Your pwBPD is drowning in disappointment and probably feelings of worthlessness.

So do you think you.can share at least 5 ways you could show more compassion and empathy to your partner? And then 5 things you could do to be more loving to yourself?

Would love to hear your thoughts if your comfortable sharing. Peace friend!

[foggydew]

Thanks a lot, Bpd supporter. Nice to hear your opinion, and that you agree with waverider. It also helps that you think I'm important to him, because in the light of what has been happening it is very difficult to keep going. I'm thinking hard about how I could be more supportive - and it is difficult. If he won't talk, I can't listen. I manage to give him a hug now and again, if he will accept it. I comment positively on the things he does or watches on TV (he doesn't ask me). I praise his cooking if he does cook something for us both. I try not to ask what he thinks are silly questions. He's not interested in my comments or life at the moment. I just don't seem to exist sometimes... he has even turned the light out when I'm sitting reading.

The only thing I can think of is to give him more space.

[waverider]

The only thing I can think of is to give him more space.

Dont underestimate this. If he is feel like he is failing, he is not in the mood for an audience to witness it.

Try to be unaffected otherwise your reactions simply validate the projection

[foggydew]

So he has now posted in internet media that he went out on the town and didn't lose his mobile, keys, glasses, jacket... .a swipe at me. So I guess I should ignore it... usually I make a funny comment, because I don't care too much about such things, but this time it feels different.

[Bpdsupporter]

Well it sounds like your doing your best. And guess what that's soo awesome. You really been making some great efforts to be there for him right now. So don't be completely discouraged your heart is in the right place, it sounds like you care deeply for his situation and just want him to feel better.

It can be so hurtful to try your best and it's never enough. That's why I also encourage you to think about 5 things you could do to show more compassion and empathy for yourself. You deserve some acknowledgement for your great efforts in trying to understand your partner. If you feel like sharing you've got my ear!

[foggydew]

Thanks, BD supporter. I tried out what you said... today I told him I would be out most of the day on a bike ride, enjoying the sun. Fine by him, he just wants to be left in peace. He wasn't feeling too good - he claims stomach problems, but I think it is a combination of anxiety and stopping drinking and smoking. And I enjoyed the ride and an ice cream in a cafe, really relaxing. I was feeling good till I went back for my bike ... the lock stuck and I had to walk home and get someone to cut off the lock... unfortunately, for him that is just another sign of my general incompetence. He wasn't interested at all. And after that his brother called me... at first it seemed he was friendly and wanted to invite me to see his baby son... he asked about his brother, feigned concern... then just told me how awful he is, always being the victim, and he should get out of bed and do some work for a change. Of course, no further invitation for me, though I suggested we should get together and talk. I would SO like to tell the brother what I think of him - I just feel misused and again of no importance. I am merely a foreigner in his eyes, who can't speak the language well enough, whose opinion is worth little. ( My professional colleagues have a different opinion, thank goodness... and so do I).

Anyway, now I am again 200 miles away, listening to music, planning a holiday next month and enjoying a glass of whisky. And it helps so much that I can write it here and not have to hide anything. That someone shows a little interest. PwBPD is at least being semi-civil and gave me a hug on demand when I left. Let's see.