My daughter is going to be born this month

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My exBPD is having a c-section this month? A little about my story, my ex and I were on and of all the time. The last split ended with her getting pregnant right after a reunion. Right before the reunion she was out on a date with another man. She was pushing marriage after she told me she was pregnant which I worked hard on getting her a ring even tho I had doubts in my mind because of the other guy. I proposed against my doubt only to be treated like crap after I proposed. My exBPD said the proposal was lame and the most unromantic proposal ever. There was a lot more said that I don't want to get into details about.

Anyway, I left and took my ring back. I haven't seen her since February( only doc appt she allowed me at)and haven't talked to her or been allowed at any baby doc appts even tho I've paid for them. I'm trying to think how I'm going to co-parent with this exBPD? I want a paternity test done so I'm not wondering my whole life about the child. My ex knows I want a paternity test and when it's brought up she shuts down contact and said I wasn't allowed at her doc appts.

How do you try and co parent with someone that named the child without you,doesn't want you having any say so in the child's decision making, yet threatens that you better pay this and that or they will ruin your reputation and life? She pretty much just wants my money and that's it. I'm also afraid my exBPD is going to use the child against me and will alienate the child if I don't do as she wishes.

I understand that asking for a paternity test is a slap in the face,but she knows the child is hers and I can only go by her word which doesn't mean much to me. How can you trust someone that has lied and had an addiction problem with alcohol since day one?

[drummerboy5]

My exBPD is having a c-section this month? A little about my story, my ex and I were on and of all the time. The last split ended with her getting pregnant right after a reunion. Right before the reunion she was out on a date with another man. She was pushing marriage after she told me she was pregnant which I worked hard on getting her a ring even tho I had doubts in my mind because of the other guy. I proposed against my doubt only to be treated like crap after I proposed. My exBPD said the proposal was lame and the most unromantic proposal ever. There was a lot more said that I don't want to get into details about.

Anyway, I left and took my ring back. I haven't seen her since February( only doc appt she allowed me at)and haven't talked to her or been allowed at any baby doc appts even tho I've paid for them. I'm trying to think how I'm going to co-parent with this exBPD? I want a paternity test done so I'm not wondering my whole life about the child. My ex knows I want a paternity test and when it's brought up she shuts down contact and said I wasn't allowed at her doc appts.

How do you try and co parent with someone that named the child without you,doesn't want you having any say so in the child's decision making, yet threatens that you better pay this and that or they will ruin your reputation and life? She pretty much just wants my money and that's it. I'm also afraid my exBPD is going to use the child against me and will alienate the child if I don't do as she wishes.

I understand that asking for a paternity test is a slap in the face,but she knows the child is hers and I can only go by her word which doesn't mean much to me. How can you trust someone that has lied and had an addiction problem with alcohol since day one?

[Turkish]

Without establishment of paternity, you aren't responsible for one dime. So don't be. At all.

The ball's in her court.

The emotional aspect of this sucks to say the least, but her manipulation stops by wont of DNA evidence. This may sound cold or detached, but this is a boundary which protects you from the manipulation games.

[KateCat]

What I learned from working in a child support agency is that what Turkish says above is absolutely true in the United States. (If you are in another country, you may be able to learn your rights and responsibilities very quickly as well.)

If a woman in the U.S. wants  ":)ad" to be financially responsible for a child she has conceived outside of marriage, she has to participate in legal action to determine who Dad is. It's kind of an all-or-nothing deal, and the ball truly is in her court.

A paternity test may seem like a slap in the face for a mom, but it protects the rights of mother, father and child going forward. It is crucially important for all. Even for a mother with mental health issues.

It's a tough situation emotionally for you to be in. But it's happening right now to hundreds, thousands of other men as well. If you can get some control over your own emotions (not easy!), you can begin to plan step by step for what comes next. Please take your time and learn both your rights and your responsibilities as an alleged father in your country.

I don't know of your ex's financial situation, but if she will be receiving public assistance to support her child, then state agencies in the U.S. will be more than happy to assist legally in determining who Dad is. Sometimes a man who thinks he is Dad takes the personal initiative to walk right into the agency offices and tell his story. They can start a legal case and provide their own attorneys to work the case. They can require mom to come in for DNA testing. Eventually ":)ad" does assume the financial responsibilities for the child, but he is not on his own at every step of the way.

Please do make sure before anything else that you are ":)ad."

[ForeverDad]

I echo what the others all wrote.  Before DNA testing was developed, it was impossible to prove who the out of wedlock father was.  Now it's standard and the system is set up to include it in the parent/support process.

She's guilting and using you big time.  FOG = Fear, Obligation, Guilt.  Maybe the child is yours, maybe not.  Until you know one way or the other, limit your risks, don't promise anything long term.

For example, is she going to put your name on the birth certificate?  If the child is not yours and you don't contest it then you may be held legally responsible for the next 18 years.

[drummerboy5]

I echo what the others all wrote.  Before DNA testing was developed, it was impossible to prove who the out of wedlock father was.  Now it's standard and the system is set up to include it in the parent/support process.

She's guilting and using you big time.  FOG = Fear, Obligation, Guilt.  Maybe the child is yours, maybe not.  Until you know one way or the other, limit your risks, don't promise anything long term.

For example, is she going to put your name on the birth certificate?  If the child is not yours and you don't contest it then you may be held legally responsible for the next 18 years.

She said my last name wasn't good enough and she liked hers better. She said she's not giving her my last name. She also told me I'm not allowed in birthing room yet I've paid for all doc appts because she threatened to ruin my life and reputation if I didn't.

[ForeverDad]

Sounds like she's getting used to making such threats and getting results.  When you do finally start setting boundaries for her, she's going to test them hard.  Real hard.  Do a search on "extinction bursts".

Based on her obstructions, why haven't you stepped back and put payments on hold until you're proven to be the father?  Yes, "she threatened to ruin my life and reputation if I didn't" but that leverage could potentially go on for another 18 years.  Do you plan to make a stand at some point?

Being a non-professional I would suspect she can block you from the birth.  What names are put on a birth certificate, your state likely has procedures if contested.  Do you have a lawyer?  Remember that pwBPD don't perceive their (former) close relationship partners as having any Authority whatsoever.  When metaphorical push comes to shove, the Real Authority is domestic court.  For that it's best to have an experienced and proactive family law attorney.

Also, you can't always trust the claims of a pwBPD.  It may be C-section, or not.  Time will tell.

[drummerboy5]

Sounds like she's getting used to making such threats and getting results.  When you do finally start setting boundaries for her, she's going to test them hard.  Real hard.  Do a search on "extinction bursts".

Being a non-professional I would suspect she can block you from the birth.  What names are put on a birth certificate, your state likely has procedures if contested.  Do you have a lawyer?  Remember that pwBPD don't perceive their (former) close relationship partners as having any Authority whatsoever.  When metaphorical push comes to shove, the Real Authority is domestic court.  For that it's best to have an experienced and proactive family law attorney.

When she was treating me like crap I left. The reason I left was to show her I was going to take her abuse. Since then I've been blocked off and on and treated more like crap... .I have an attorney that I used to gain custody of my 5 year old... I'm waiting to see if she takes me to court after the child is born, that way she's got to prove I'm the father which will require her paying for the DNA test... Lol