Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 01:19:23 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
84
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Why does BPD mom's crazy affect us SOO much, and ME so much?  (Read 452 times)
ennie
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married (together 6 years)
Posts: 851



« on: June 03, 2016, 12:27:28 PM »

Well, this is a time when I truly wish there was a message board for my category of relationship with a BPD person.  Basically, the folks caring for someone or someones who have been subject to abuse by the BPD person.  I am the stepmom, but there are other folks in this category.  It is different than being a relationship partner, because I did not choose that person. But I am choosing to be close to people, and by that closeness am subjecting myself to abuse over which I have very little power.  I cannot file a custody action; if I do not like the abuse, I can leave, but at this point I would not do that.  I have been one of three central parents for these kids for almost 10 years; I am not going to abandon them unless DH and I break up, or it is the best thing for all, or it is jeopardizing my health.  Which it is not.   

So here is the situation.  As I wrote before, about 6 months ago (not sure on the exact date), I wrapped my arms around my SD16 and held my own hands to keep her from smashing a window when she was totally freaked out.  She was not trying to do harm, just flailing and screaming.  I think this was a bad call on my part, but understandable and truly not abusive or coming from a place of anger.  SD16 tends to blame when angry, making any scratch into something huge---and even SHE, in the heat of anger, told me it did not hurt her physically in any way.  So there was no harm, no mean intent.  That said, it was really hard in the moment and for about a week on our relationship. 

Meanwhile, she chose for 5 months not to tell her mom.  She has been really leaning on us and willing to talk about what is hard on mom, and I think mom flipped out.  So, SD16 told her mom about 3 weeks ago.  Mom called me, threatened to kill me, etc.  I heard today that her sister hear SD16 telling mom all kinds of falsehoods about what happened--that she was hurt, that she pooped her pants, and so forth.  At the time, she was upset, but not at all affected physically and we would have known if the latter happened.  It just was not a big deal physically, but more emotionally as I treated her like a child or crazy person, totally dominated her to protect her in a way that did not feel fair to her, but did not harm her.

I am just really angry and sad about this.  I feel like SD16 is old enough to have me tell her that I do not want to be close to someone who, instead of talking to me about feelings she has 5 months later, talks to someone who will threaten to kill me.  All during the kids childhood, I tolerated and totally understood and forgave this, because they were in a loyalty bind with mom.  But SD16 now really trusts me, has leaned on me as a friend not just a SM, and, it is not just about a loyalty bind.  It is about being willing to sacrifice my physical well being and get me subjected to extremely abusive speech because she feels uncomfortable about a difficult issue. 

I just think she is old enough to know better, and that treating those close to you in that way is really harmful to her, and for me it leads to a great deal of painful feelings. 

In general, I feel tired of being so powerless here. I have the options of hanging up on screaming mom of kids, and she calls CPS; or listening to an extremely verbally abusive person yell horrible things for an hour to get her to be able to listen... .which in this case worked, so she knows I did not tackle her kid out of anger.  I am just tired of the set up, probably more so as I am somewhat at fault and totally willing to admit it, apologize, engage in receiving feedback.  And, I did not do anything terrible.  BPD mom does terrible stuff often (drunk driving with kids, screaming in public at SD15's graduation, threatening to push other parents down the stairs at public events, threatening to kill me, calling the kids friends parents and accusing them of abuse and calling 20 times in a row when people are in terrible crises to blame them, telling the kids they are bad people) and I love her through it.  I am just tired of not getting my fair share of support, and giving way more than my fair share.

What is really hard for me is that that it is not fair does not matter. Honestly, at this point i my relationship with BPD mom, I feel like she would give me support if she could.  She tries; she actually listened and forgave me for the first time.  But she is nuts, and also delusional (literally, when triggered she has delusive thinking), and cannot help but trot out the many made up blame stories about us that are triggered when something is hard.  I forgive her.  My anger at her is not useful, as she is truly doing her best.  But her best is also profoundly mean and unfair.  And I am not a person who has every chosen to be in an abusive relationship... .I just do not have the stomach for it or interest in it.  I am fine being alone.  So it is a hard place, because my husband is not abusive.  So I do not want to leave him, but would have to to leave the abusive situation.  Basically, as a mom, BPDmom has tons of power over me, that the kids capitalize on, and she is abusive with that power. 

So what do I do?  I am not leaving my DH because I am sick of all the intricate manipulative triangulation.  I just want to spend less time around that bull___, and that is important to me.

I think I will communicate that to SD16.  she is old enough.  Basically, I would tell her I love her, still am committed to being her parent, but want her to know I am considering taking a step back from being close as a friend because of the way she throws me under the bus.  That I value direct communication, have expressed openness to talking with her about painful stuff, with a third party or without . That I am fine with her telling her mom what she needs to for her reasons.  But if she withholds stuff from me and risks my well being by explaining the story in a false and misleading way to get mom's sympathy, I do not trust her as a close friend.  She may be a kid, struggling to deal with complicated feelings, and I have empathy for that and love her, but that is different than the trust one gives close friends.  And I do not trust her actions.

It is so confusing, this transition into adulthood, and the change in role for parents (even step-parents), from being all about protection of the kid, to giving them adult freedom more and more... .and, expecting adult approaches by them more and more. 
Logged

Thunderstruck
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 823



« Reply #1 on: June 03, 2016, 01:01:51 PM »

Do you know what I find very sad for the children of BPD parents... .?

BPDmom makes threats to kill you and the children just see that as "normal". They've heard it so many times before that they don't realize the seriousness of such threats. You could legitimately be granted a restraining order against BPDmom for that kind of talk. It's not normal and it's not ok.

There is a whole lot of unfair being a step-parent, let alone a step-parent to children who have a BPDparent.    We chose our partners, and unfortunately our partners come with a lot of crazy BPD baggage. If I knew then what I know now, I'm not even sure I would have chosen this path. But oh well, here we are. I love DH with all my heart, I love SD11, and it's only 7 more years until she's 18.   
Logged

"Rudeness is the weak person's imitation of strength."

"The sun shines and warms and lights us and we have no curiosity to know why this is so. But we ask the reason of all evil, of pain, and hunger, and mosquitos and silly people." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
ennie
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married (together 6 years)
Posts: 851



« Reply #2 on: June 03, 2016, 02:33:08 PM »

Thanks, Thunderstruck.  Yes, I probably would not have agreed either if I had known... .but only because I would never have been able to imagine the sense of joy regarding the amazing people that the girls have become, or how much I would love them and they would love me, or how meaningful it is to have learned what I have learned, or how amazing it is to be loved the way I am by DH. 

That said, it still is hard for both of those reasons--both because of the pain to me, and the pain of seeing that crazy is not only normal for the kids, but that it affects their way of treating others.
Logged

Thunderstruck
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 823



« Reply #3 on: June 03, 2016, 05:27:49 PM »

That said, it still is hard for both of those reasons--both because of the pain to me, and the pain of seeing that crazy is not only normal for the kids, but that it affects their way of treating others.

These poor kids are going to become adults and get a harsh dose of reality if they treat others the way BPDmom does.

I've seen uBPDbm goes through countless boyfriends (never lasting more than a month) many "best" friends, and a bunch of jobs (I think it's been around 10 in four years). People don't want you around if you can't control yourself.

The way I see it, I still have a loong life to live. This push-pull with uBPDbm is only temporary. Things are going to change. SD will become an adult and the threats of CPS won't work anymore. Maybe she'll find someone else to go terrorize for awhile?
Logged

"Rudeness is the weak person's imitation of strength."

"The sun shines and warms and lights us and we have no curiosity to know why this is so. But we ask the reason of all evil, of pain, and hunger, and mosquitos and silly people." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
sanemom
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1013



« Reply #4 on: June 04, 2016, 08:59:33 AM »

Oh, ennie, my heart is sad for you.  I know the conundrum all too well.  I have older stepkids throw us under the bus, and then I look at my older daughter and know she would never do that.  BUT, my older daughter also does not have a BPD parent.  

I work at a college, and I have talked about alienation with some students there.  I have heard so many stories of intense pressure by the alienating parent.  I have had students in their late 20s/early 30s tell me about feeling pressured to throw a parent under the bus with DFPS; one even managed to put their alienated dad in prison, and was very guilt-ridden.  After hearing these stories, I wonder if we underestimate the intensity of the alienating parent.  I mean, if someone is following you around saying the same thing over and over again, at one point, you probably just give in.  

Do you think your SD gets that her mom would threaten you?  :)o you think that she truly understands what her mom does with the information she gets about your house?  I think sometimes these parents interrogate kids so much and won't let up that these kids give in.  It is frustrating, I know, because a kid without this constant pressure would not say anything.  And maybe she really does not get that her mom uses that information to hurt you and her dad.

I do think you may be able to have that conversation with her, but have it very carefully.  We tried to have that conversation, but I don't think the boys were ready, and it backfired because they really do not want to believe that their mom tries to hurt their dad, no matter how nicely it is couched.
Logged
sanemom
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1013



« Reply #5 on: June 04, 2016, 09:05:32 AM »

That said, it still is hard for both of those reasons--both because of the pain to me, and the pain of seeing that crazy is not only normal for the kids, but that it affects their way of treating others.

These poor kids are going to become adults and get a harsh dose of reality if they treat others the way BPDmom does.

I've seen uBPDbm goes through countless boyfriends (never lasting more than a month) many "best" friends, and a bunch of jobs (I think it's been around 10 in four years). People don't want you around if you can't control yourself.

The way I see it, I still have a loong life to live. This push-pull with uBPDbm is only temporary. Things are going to change. SD will become an adult and the threats of CPS won't work anymore. Maybe she'll find someone else to go terrorize for awhile?

I was thinking this same thing--the way I see BPD mom doing the push-pull now is through the kids, and the older they get the more we have to let go and let them figure out things for themselves.

I still cringe when I hear them talk about these harsh confrontations they plan to do as I know that comes from BPD mom, and they will likely be burning some bridges in life, but hopefully they will learn (unlike their mom ) that it ends up hurting them.  Same with bad financial decisions... .hard to watch, but as they get older, it is really on them. 

I do think it must be a strange life they have, having two VERY different value systems being taught to them simultaneously--must be hard to figure out which end is up.
Logged
ennie
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married (together 6 years)
Posts: 851



« Reply #6 on: June 06, 2016, 08:40:01 PM »

Do you think your SD gets that her mom would threaten you?  :)o you think that she truly understands what her mom does with the information she gets about your house?  I think sometimes these parents interrogate kids so much and won't let up that these kids give in.  It is frustrating, I know, because a kid without this constant pressure would not say anything.  And maybe she really does not get that her mom uses that information to hurt you and her dad.

That is a good point... .I think that she does not really know.  We have talked about this stuff in the past 6 months, and she is ready.  The hard part is she has risked so much in the past 6 months to really open up about how she experiences her mom and to lean on us more, and then slipped and mom used it, and I think it would really hurt her feelings to know that hurt me, and also that one of my reactions is to not want to be so close.  She really loves our friendship, as do I, and it is painful to think of wanting to be less close because of the complications.
Logged

ennie
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married (together 6 years)
Posts: 851



« Reply #7 on: June 06, 2016, 08:44:34 PM »

I do think it must be a strange life they have, having two VERY different value systems being taught to them simultaneously--must be hard to figure out which end is up.

I had very sane parents, and I remember realizing (about 2 years after moving out) how much my folks acted unhappy to get each other and me to do stuff.  I remember thinking, "I do not want to do it that way."  And the consequences of that were much less extreme than the obvious consequences of BPD mom screaming and blaming on her social life.

I think SD12 gets it.  She is openly critical, but in a pretty loving way, "WOW!  My mom totally told my english friend that she was glad to meet her, but thought she would be much more snobby because english people are snobby!  My mom does not even know when she is being mean!"

I think what the kids do not understand is how others can have such a hard time loving this person who they have loved and tolerated their whole lives.  That people do not get that this is mommy's very best.
Logged

Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!