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Author Topic: Feeling alone and looking for support  (Read 475 times)
Hopeful07

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« on: June 04, 2016, 02:31:10 PM »

I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years, he's undiagnosed with what I'm pretty sure is BPD. He breaks up with me/does no contact when something really stressful happens(between us or not), he rewrites history, tells me he never loved me, says hurtful things, etc. He also talks about being "trapped", so he seeks other women out when hes getting into this downward spiral. He has had  issues with boundaries with certain women friends too. This happens every 5 to 7 months with different severity, the longest we've been no contact was 3 months a few years ago. The last bad one was in august (after something stressful) so I offered him an open relationship because I figured it would help? He had talked about it before but I said no. I think the open relationship helped because his last freak out was in January and he just went silent for a few days and didn't break up with me.

He has a lot of other stresses going on now, he went on a dating site and was talking about finding someone to sleep with. When this comes up, I know that it's just downward from there. He only uses it when something else is wrong. Yesterday was bad for him (not because of me or us) so he's barely talking to me and canceled plans. He's been talking to a girl on the site he was supposed to meet, so who knows what he's doing today

I guess I'm just looking for support and people to talk to. I don't talk to anyone about this, they wouldn't understand. Hes an amazing, sweet, caring guy when these episodes aren't happening.
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foggydew
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Relationship status: widowed/7 years
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« Reply #1 on: June 04, 2016, 04:18:49 PM »

That sounds pretty hurtful for you; it's really good that you came on here. It is such a problem talking to other nons about it because they just don't understand and often can't cope with the idea that you are continuing the relationship.

I think you are right about the episodes; they come and go, but that doesn't make them any easier for you (or him) to deal with. You sound as if you have some insight already; I'm sure you'll find a lot more people on here to talk to about it.
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Hopeful07

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« Reply #2 on: June 04, 2016, 05:39:05 PM »

Yeah, I only figured out it was something last August and at first I thought he was bi polar. I've been reading so much stuff and it just fits.  I talked to him after the episodes and he just doesn't want to see it I guess.  It's hard but I've become better at detaching while it's going on.
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Grey Kitty
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Relationship status: Separated
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« Reply #3 on: June 04, 2016, 06:40:41 PM »

Hello and welcome!

It sounds like you are finding some patterns of behavior that look like BPD and I hope you are finding some of the lessons and other information here useful.just knowing you are not alone in dealing with this helps too!

Regarding the open relationship, I've done some and know that there are many different versions, and what works for any one person can be hard to figure out. How have you been doing this with him?

By "offering him an open relationship" do you mean you are letting him do the sort of things he would do anyway without him needing to break up with you first, or giving you a reason to break up with him?

It is hard to sort out how you feel about him seeing another girl when he is also completely rejecting you at the same time, and that does hurt even if you aren't feeling jealous or betrayed.

Do you have the option of seeing other people too? If so, have you wanted to, or done it?
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Hopeful07

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« Reply #4 on: June 04, 2016, 08:28:35 PM »

 I don't think his need for one is real, I think it's some kind of coping thing he does with stress? When hes happy and not having an episode hes not on the sites, not talking about sleeping with other people. It sounds crazy but we are really happy, we have sex, we are really close. He just turns into a different person for awhile when he gets like this. We talked about boundaries and rules, he was fine with them. After he started to get worse into the episode, he's saying he never agreed to anything and I'm putting all these rules on him... .sometimes I feel like I'm crazy. I know we talked about this stuff and he was ok with it.

I'm not sure how I feel about actually having an open relationship. I'm pretty open minded and the sex part doesn't bother me but any kind of emotional connection would. Last summer when I offered it to him, I met 2 different guys, just for coffee.  I didn't like either of them.
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momtara
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« Reply #5 on: June 04, 2016, 08:40:53 PM »

So frustrating when you see the good in someone and then their illness makes them do the most hurtful things possible. One triggering thing makes it all down hill. Somehow you feel like you have to try to prevent that, and you really can't.

I'm sorry that you're alone. But this board is full of people in the same situation you're in, with very similar stories. He does sound like he has a PD. I just want to say that I hope things get better somehow and you're not alone, even though I know it feels that way. Hang in there.
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momtara
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« Reply #6 on: June 04, 2016, 08:42:07 PM »

... .and is the open relationship thing really ok? I think you deserve better. Sure, as long as it's not emotional, you feel it's ok, but worrying about it is hard. You're in a tough spot - you love someone with a PD. It's not you.
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Hopeful07

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« Reply #7 on: June 04, 2016, 10:07:56 PM »

Thanks everyone Smiling (click to insert in post)

I just texted with him briefly. He said he felt like isolating himself and rejecting me. I already knew that though. It's just so crazy to me that I didn't even do anything and he feels like this. I just told him I'd let him get back to whatever he was doing ( I didn't ask, don't want to know when he's like this) and said I loved him. He didn't say it back. Ugh this sucks
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momtara
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« Reply #8 on: June 04, 2016, 10:45:49 PM »

But at least you know you did your best and have nothing to feel guilty about. It's up to him to come out of this phase.
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #9 on: June 05, 2016, 08:40:40 PM »

I'm not sure how I feel about actually having an open relationship. I'm pretty open minded and the sex part doesn't bother me but any kind of emotional connection would. Last summer when I offered it to him, I met 2 different guys, just for coffee.  I didn't like either of them.

Hmmm... .it sounds like he wants/needs to act out, instead of wanting an open relationship. And you sound mostly ok with it on a don't ask/don't tell basis preferably, and more concerned about a real relationship.

The "good news" is that as a pwBPD, his odds of behaving well in a "real relationship" aren't going to be better with a new woman he meets. At least not better than he is with you! And perhaps not that good.

The one that I had was a serious one that lasted a couple years with plenty of emotional connection. My wife met another guy, and sparks flew with them... .and the other guy's wife was interested in me. Curiously, both members of the other couple were quite interested before either of us really noticed more than friendship, and we were both pursued. They were long distance relationships, where we met and spent some time together every couple months for a while, and talked/texted regularly inbetween. My wife did get over most of her BPD symptoms during this r/s, and while I wouldn't say it was BPD, both members of the other couple were less than completely emotionally healthy.  There was quite a bit of drama along the way... .

Anyhow, there isn't much you can do but wait while he withdraws/rejects you. 

Please take good care of yourself while you wait--do things that are fun, things that nurture yourself, either alone, or with other friends or family.
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Hopeful07

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« Reply #10 on: June 05, 2016, 08:59:10 PM »

I feel right now he is acting out. I don't feel comfortable going back on the dating sites when things are like this.  I'm not sure he really wants it and what if I found someone and slept with him?  I can't stand the thought of him being hurt by that when he is back to normal.
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Hopeful07

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« Reply #11 on: June 06, 2016, 08:22:50 PM »

Things dont seem better. He went on a date Saturday  (and broke a boundary by doing that ) and has another date with someone else tomorrow. I feel like I've lost him to this episode and there's nothing else to do for him. I feel drained and so angry. 
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JulesSd
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« Reply #12 on: June 06, 2016, 08:55:29 PM »

Hello... I'm fairly new to the group and have been with my partner now for almost 3 years. I can say that the first 2 1/2 years has been a total roller coaster. With stressful episodes in her life making our life blow up like a hot air balloon. Like your bf, she would go into these uncontrollable rages, say completely illogical and hurtful things and blame me for not supporting her enough. I was baffled for the first several years even though we were in couples therapy for a good majority of it. Our therapist would give us "tools" to communicate better but none of it worked because none of use knew what we were really dealing with. Until she was diagnosed about 2 months ago. Then things began to change. She told me that she knew something was wrong Since she was a teenager and just didn't know what. But when the diagnosis came it was like a light that opened up her life to the internal struggle. Even though finding out she had BPD was painful, it was at least an answer to her lifelong question of "what the heck is wrong with me". She said that she was relieved that she could take steps to find a solution to a puzzle she never knew existed. Maybe your bf needs to find out and be told what he has. Otherwise how would he ever want to fix something he has no idea he even has? Life can get better. We are at the beginning of the journey but at least we both see the light finally!
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Hopeful07

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« Reply #13 on: June 06, 2016, 09:39:51 PM »

I'm really glad your gf can get help. My boyfriend is in denial and pokes holes in everything I say or show him about BPD. I call out his pattern and he tell him whats going to happen and it does. But he doesn't see a pattern, today he told me I'm using it to discredit his need for an open relationship and he's frustrated with that.  The only time it comes up is when something stressful happens and he starts acting distant, I know it's coming. How can they not see this stuff ugh
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #14 on: June 06, 2016, 10:40:37 PM »

I relate with not feeling like dating anybody new at this time.

When I was in my open r/s I broke up one relationship... .it just wasn't working well for me, and my wife stayed in hers longer. It seemed that I should date and look for somebody new to better balance things out again... .

But there was a lot of chaos all around, and I didn't want to bring anybody into that drama... .if she was nutty enough to like drama, she wouldn't be up to my standards... .and if she was, she wouldn't want anything to do with that drama!

If fact I've avoided dating quite a while longer for that reason, while I've been processing the end of my marriage.

Anyhow, dunno what to say about his "need" for an open r/s. Other than you aren't going to have any luck talking sense into him. Seriously. All you will do is invalidate him and make things worse.
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