The secret is out

[Bpdsupporter]

So if y'all didn't know I've been keeping my involvement about being on Bpd family a secret from my pwBPD. Actually I've been keeping all my research a secret. I just didn't want him to feel like I was putting him in the crazy box.

But today I found out that my pwBPD has known I've been on here for a while. He checked my internet history one day and read all my posts and things. Today he casually said oh I know about your message board and the site your on and I didn't want to say anything because i could tell it was something you needed.

I was so shocked. Lol. This of course opened up a great and healing dialogue. I got to share with him about some of the things I've learned here like JADEing. He completely agreeded that JADEing was what I did to him and he even admitted to doing that to me alot. So weve agreed to work on not doing that to each other.

Anyway I'm so glad I'm out the closet about y'all here at bpdfamily and that my pwBPD thinks this is a great site for me to be a part of!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[C.Stein]

So if y'all didn't know I've been keeping my involvement about being on Bpd family a secret from my pwBPD. Actually I've been keeping all my research a secret. I just didn't want him to feel like I was putting him in the crazy box.

But today I found out that my pwBPD has known I've been on here for a while. He checked my internet history one day and read all my posts and things. Today he casually said oh I know about your message board and the site your on and I didn't want to say anything because i could tell it was something you needed.

I was so shocked. Lol. This of course opened up a great and healing dialogue. I got to share with him about some of the things I've learned here like JADEing. He completely agreeded that JADEing was what I did to him and he even admitted to doing that to me alot. So weve agreed to work on not doing that to each other.

Anyway I'm so glad I'm out the closet about y'all here at bpdfamily and that my pwBPD thinks this is a great site for me to be a part of!

When you find yourself spending more time talking with others about your relationship issues and not your partner then this is a problem IMO.  Having support outside the relationship is great and necessary, but there comes a time when the most productive conversations will be had with your SO.   Unfortunately it is all too easy to discuss the difficult issues with someone else and never address/discuss them with our SO.

I am curious about one thing.  Do you consider your husband checking your internet history a violation of privacy?  Did you discuss this with him?

[Bpdsupporter]

Good question. I actually don't feel it's an invasion of privacy for him to check on me at all. I never really thought it a problem ever in my life. I'm a weirdo though and kind of find it alluring that someone finds me that interesting that they would look through my things. Lol... it's kind of a compliment to me. I'm not exempt from my issues We both have our fair amount of trust issues and I've definitely looked through his phone and internet stuff before too. Trust is probably one of our most challenging issues, but we both work hard on improving that and little by little we get better every day.

And as far as sharing things with my pwBPD I had to learn a different way to share with him because of his mental illness. Alot of what I learned came from reading others post and asking questions. The advice was very helpful and I began to communicate way better with my pwBPD and he was actually more open.

So now our relationship has drastically improved. Even with the mental illness we are stronger and more in love than ever.

But I had to change and work on myself and love me more. And stop looking at him as the problem.

So my choice not to talk about his Bpd was very intentional especially because even though he was diagnosed he really doesn't believe that he has it that bad. So I knew it was going to be tough to convince him to get help. So the alternative was to get help for me, so I could be prepared and ready for that comes with being with a person with BPD. And I must say it is so refreshing to hear him say that he thinks this support group is great and that he feels honored that I would go to such great lengths to understand his illness.

I would love for him to get treatment and I think because our relationship has improved so much and we communicate so much better that he will be more open to discuss those options now.

We've come such a long way, I really come here because sharing how you can improve your relationship with someone with a mental illness has been encouraging to me. I know what it was like to feel so trapped empty confused in this type of relationship and when I was going through it I use to wish someone would say it's alright you can be in a relationship with someone with BPD and it can be fulfilling and you can be happy.

So I realized I had to be that voice and that keeps me hopful and encouraged to keep practicing and learning and growing with myself first and foremost and my soul mate.