To Respond, Or Not, and How

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Below is an e-mail I received from my exuBPDNPDw.

The circumstances.  Every year one of my neighbor's throws a Memorial Day party to kick off the summer.  Ex's boyfriend (she actually calls him step dad or fiancée now but they are not married) is the best friend of another one of my neighbor's who just so happens to have a son that is my S9's best friend.  So ex always has some justification for being in my neighborhood. 

This party ex RSVPs that she is attending.  Whenever she opts to attend, I RSVP that I will not attend.  My way of putting up a boundary.  I have no interest in spending time around ex than I absolutely have to.  History shows exposure for me can be stressful and she is without boundaries and always on the look out for an opportunity.

So last Friday, day of the party, my weekend with the kids starting at 5pm.  I pick the kids up and they start asking if they can go to the party.  With a little negotiating, S9 realize we will not be going to the party and moves on, drops the subject.  S11 on the other hand throws a fit for over an hour.  He threatens to leave, runaway, he hates it here because I'm always telling him what to do, claims he knows what is best for himself and I don't, etc.  Also, S11 is one day into medication for strep throat, so ultimately this is my reason for not allowing him to go to the party and be with other kids.

During the tantrum S11 lets on that, "Mom said that I could go to the party," my blood begins to boil and this scenario has played over and over with ex programming the kids by having conversations about what they can/can't do when with me.   

I wait through the Holiday weekend, then send a short e-mail to ex, that she should not be having these conversations and remind her that S11 had strep.

Her response:

"I think it's important to embrace that we live and socialize in the same community. It is the best possible scenario for the kids. That being said, especially as the kids get older and want to attend events but you or I do not, if the other parent is attending it makes sense to not deny the child the opportunity to participate.  For example, wrestling tournament you took S9 to on my weekend, James' party I took S11 to on your weekend. There have been other examples.  Co parenting extends beyond custodial time. It's about making sure the kids get to experience their lives without boundaries that you and can be flexible with. Another example may be if you would like to take either S9 or S11 somewhere without the other brother. They benefit from time alone with you. I am willing to be flexible when it benefits our sons. I think that is the best for them."

In the last year ex has really stepped up the socializing and social butterfly act with parents of kids in activities with S9 and S11.  For S9s baseball team, she actually made herself a little list of all the kids on the team, by number, and first name, so she can "cheer" on these kids by first name.  A little weird.

Some things that pop out of her response, boundaries and co-parenting, two things she is incapable of and it seems she is advocating or letting me know that this is the way it will be.  She has increased her portrayal of the boyfriend as ":)ad."

Do I respond to this?  I waited to respond because I feel I need a very concise, brief response. 

[scraps66]

Below is an e-mail I received from my exuBPDNPDw.

The circumstances.  Every year one of my neighbor's throws a Memorial Day party to kick off the summer.  Ex's boyfriend (she actually calls him step dad or fiancée now but they are not married) is the best friend of another one of my neighbor's who just so happens to have a son that is my S9's best friend.  So ex always has some justification for being in my neighborhood. 

This party ex RSVPs that she is attending.  Whenever she opts to attend, I RSVP that I will not attend.  My way of putting up a boundary.  I have no interest in spending time around ex than I absolutely have to.  History shows exposure for me can be stressful and she is without boundaries and always on the look out for an opportunity.

So last Friday, day of the party, my weekend with the kids starting at 5pm.  I pick the kids up and they start asking if they can go to the party.  With a little negotiating, S9 realize we will not be going to the party and moves on, drops the subject.  S11 on the other hand throws a fit for over an hour.  He threatens to leave, runaway, he hates it here because I'm always telling him what to do, claims he knows what is best for himself and I don't, etc.  Also, S11 is one day into medication for strep throat, so ultimately this is my reason for not allowing him to go to the party and be with other kids.

During the tantrum S11 lets on that, "Mom said that I could go to the party," my blood begins to boil and this scenario has played over and over with ex programming the kids by having conversations about what they can/can't do when with me.   

I wait through the Holiday weekend, then send a short e-mail to ex, that she should not be having these conversations and remind her that S11 had strep.

Her response:

"I think it's important to embrace that we live and socialize in the same community. It is the best possible scenario for the kids. That being said, especially as the kids get older and want to attend events but you or I do not, if the other parent is attending it makes sense to not deny the child the opportunity to participate.  For example, wrestling tournament you took S9 to on my weekend, James' party I took S11 to on your weekend. There have been other examples.  Co parenting extends beyond custodial time. It's about making sure the kids get to experience their lives without boundaries that you and can be flexible with. Another example may be if you would like to take either S9 or S11 somewhere without the other brother. They benefit from time alone with you. I am willing to be flexible when it benefits our sons. I think that is the best for them."

In the last year ex has really stepped up the socializing and social butterfly act with parents of kids in activities with S9 and S11.  For S9s baseball team, she actually made herself a little list of all the kids on the team, by number, and first name, so she can "cheer" on these kids by first name.  A little weird.

Some things that pop out of her response, boundaries and co-parenting, two things she is incapable of and it seems she is advocating or letting me know that this is the way it will be.  She has increased her portrayal of the boyfriend as ":)ad."

Do I respond to this?  I waited to respond because I feel I need a very concise, brief response. 

[Lifewriter16]

Hi scraps,

It sounds like you are feeling pushed out of the family by the new boyfriend and pushed around by your wife. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.

A couple of quick questions for you to reflect upon before you respond:

• What positives do you see in your exuBPDNPDw suggestions?



• What issues do you have with your exuBPDNPDw suggestions?

Lifewriter x

[scraps66]

What ex describes would be fine if I was dealing with a rational, mature, adult that has and respects boundaries.  History shows that she cannot behave herself when around me and the boys.  I see her as letting me know that she will be in my business and overseeing me 'til Kingdom come.

[sanemom]

I don't think there is anything to respond to; just keep it in mind.  She is right in theory, but you know what she really does and does not do.  As they get older you can respond on a case by case basis, but you don't need to put that in writing.  Maybe her new beau is keeping her in line for now.  ;-)

[scraps66]

This is why I put things on this board, so I wait.  And I've decided not to say anything.  Basically, if I was to state my disagreement it would be a trigger for ex and she would do the very thing that I'm suggesting we not do.  Childish, immature BPDisms.

[Nope]

I agree that there is nothing to respond to here. She didn't ask a question. She made statements about how she views the situation and her roll. She actually never even addressed the issue at hand, which was that she shouldn't be having conversations with the kids about what they can and can't do on your time. The BPDm I deal with is pretty low functioning but it still boils down to the same thing. If DH tells her she shouldn't be doing something that she intends to continue to do anyway she simply changes the subject or accuses DH of the same thing he just asked her to stop doing.