Unplanned Pregnancy "Trap"

[bern4606]

I have been together with my BPD girlfriend for the past two years. We are both teachers. I fell in love with my girlfriend because I could see that she was someone that overcame a lot of adversity, was extremely talented and well read. A year ago, we moved in together. While there have been days that she has emotionally detached herself, she has never been abusive towards me. We have always been civil and respectful of our needs.

The tension of our relationship came though came out of our age difference. My gf is 33 and I am going to be 27 this year. She has talked about the desire to have children. When I told her I didn't feel I was ready, she seemed understanding and willing to wait a few years.

Around a month ago, she sits me down and says that she is "pregnant" because she decided to stop taking birth control for a few days and she thought that she could not get pregnant because her mom and aunt had a history of infertility. At first I was angered in the sense that we were making love under the faith that she was taking birth control. I told her I was disappointed with the decision that she made, questioned why she did not tell me. I could understand the biological need though and her desire to have children. She told me that: "she thought our relationship was long term and that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me." I still feel some degree of resentment of this decision. However, I will say that she has not cheated on me, she has been clean with STD. She has overcome alcoholism and cutting for several years. The fact that she is able to hold a full-time job (although there are frustrating days- teaching can be tiring and sometimes she has only the energy to watch TV). She has been able to teach 6 different classes, perform music in free lance gigs.

My main concern right now is financial stability. While I sit on a savings and am earning a teacher salary, my gf has lots of debt. She currently has some credit card debt (although she has chipped away at it a lot since moving in together), IRS debt and student loan debt (the latter, I can understand because education is ridiculously expensive). Sometimes I find it hard to think about making a substantial financial investment into something that is unstable. I have good savings but I don't want to eat into too much of it and want to consider growing growing it. We do agree that if we get married, it is better to be financially independent (as in separate accounts) as it can create a lot of conflict.

Fortunately, I have supportive parents and her mom (her dad died last year and was abusive and led to lots of her problems) has even offered to live with us for the first few months to help us out. I have always gotten along extremely well with her mom. As an expectant mother, she has taken the initiative to reach out to others, ask questions and take good care of herself for the baby. She plans on working full time until the end of the pregnancy, take maternity leave spring semester of next year and then come back part time for a few years (eventually working back to full time).

What I am looking for is to think of some strategies to make this work. Walking away is not right and is not an option right now. It is my duty to be there for my child and develop the best parenting relationship possible for my child. Some questions that I would like advice on:

(1) I'd like to see my girlfriend continue to develop and empower herself. My fear is that having a child could make her mood more unstable and possibly in a position where she isn't fit to be a parent. Should this happen, what should I do?

(2) Financial incompatibility is giving me lots of worry. I would like to come up with a plan to offer my gf some financial assistance but not to the point where she is dependent on me. I do feel that helping her pay off some of her debt could empower her to an extent but we don't want to fall under a dependency trap. I am thinking about a plan where I would match every dollar she is able to successfully pay towards her debt. Another thing I am thinking of creating is devising her a tracking chart on her progress towards paying off her debt.  Has anyone had success with working with debt of a BPD partner? I'd like to help empower for her sake and the child's sake.

(3) I'd love to hear stories from those who made it work.

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[adventurer]

I haven't 'made it work', and I am married, so my advice to you is really the things I wish I had done in my own situation.

Firstly, I would NOT get married - the concern of financial compatibility is a valid one, though you may be attempted to be shamed and guilted that you 'only care about money'.  With a marriage - all her financial problems become your problems and much more difficult to keep sorted out.  Lots of people successfully raise children without the benefit of a marriage license.

Keep accounts separate at all costs.  She has proven to have a terrible track record at managing money and if you put money into a joint account, you have ZERO control over how it is actually spent, even if it is 'intended' for bills.  Should the worst happen, and things don't work out with her, you will need that separate money to re-establish yourself and keep up child support.  You are obligated to pay to raise your child, you are NOT obligated to pay for her whatsoever, she is an adult and this is her responsibility - not yours.

Do NOT help her pay off her debt - she got herself into that situation and it is up to her, as a grown woman, to get herself out of it.  If you bail her out, she will have learned nothing about financial management or responsibility and it will all just snowball again.

Use condoms until you have 100% verifiable proof that she is actually pregnant - this may be a ruse on her part.  Tell her until you are sure she is pregnant you will use condoms because she has proven herself untrustworthy with birth control.

I think your ideas of attempting to empower her and teach her financial responsibility are noble and possibly worth a try - you will really need to get into the mindset that she has to WANT to change and that it is completely out of your power or control whether or not she takes up the challenge.

If you haven't already, read the book Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist - it will provide great insights on the communication skills you will need to develop to foster a positive relationship with your girlfriend, as well as protect yourself emotionally in case she ramps up as a result of hormonal changes during pregnancy.

If she is truly pregnant, this child started as a result of her lies and deception.  Your resentment is valid - you may never trust her the same way again.  Therapy for you may help you cope with all of this.

Good luck!  I'm sure you will love the heck out of this kid and welcome them with open arms and heart into your life.  Everyone I know who has had unplanned children have had immense joy in their lives as a result.

[bern4606]

Just to be clear, she is in fact pregnant. We have already been to the doctor and have seen the ultrasound.

In the initial conversation when she said that she runs the risk of having a child disabled if she has a child after 35, I said something to the effect like: "Having a child out of dishonesty is far worse than having a disabled child. I am disappointed that you stooped down to this level and this is low. I was taught as a child from my father to do things the right way and honestly and what I am I supposed to say now."

The resentment comes in spurts. I do realize that I will not heal her. In fact, I am planning on continuing on with my life. I love my teaching job and will continue to invest. This summer, I am going to a convention on spirituality for several days. Unfortunately, I don't have too many close friends and that is something that I feel like I need. My girlfriend actually agrees. I am also considering counseling however, I feel like it is quite expensive (I have a high deductible health plan). I need cheap alternatives or even just a listening ear.

In regards to the finances, there will definitely be no joint account. I will definitely pay for housing, healthcare and contribute towards childcare as this is an essential in all families.

[Naughty Nibbler]

The pregnancy trap shows a huge lack of integrity.  Her excuses for stopping the BC pill aren't believable.  Her mother got pregnant with her, right?  My nephew  was caught in a pregnancy trap with an older woman as well.  In his case, he was warned by one of her two other baby daddys, but he didn't heed the advice.  My nephew married the woman and his life has been miserable.  Then, just as he was contemplating a possible break-up, another unplanned baby comes along.  Past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior.

If she proves to be an unfit mother, then one option would be to get guardianship of your child and move to a separate household (with her having visitation rights).  I think that mothers with a history of any mental disorder are more apt to have post partum depression.  It would be something to watch out for and to get help to treat it, should it occur.  In all likelihood, her BPD behavior won't go away.  Has her mother ever acknowledged that her daughter has BPD or mentioned her daughter's problems?

Might want to hold off on marriage, until you give it some time.  Check out the laws for where you live and see how long you can cohabitate with someone before you have financial obligations.  If you begin to act as if you are married, and she quits working (or even goes part time), you might want to think about how you will go about breaking up (should that be your future decision).  She might just decide to not go back to work, what then?  Can you trust that she won't try to get pregnant again without your consent? Could she move in with her mother, if you break up down the road?

Going forward, you will have to assume that she will try to get pregnant again.  I read you have concerns about genetic in general, as you have a history of mental illness in your family.  I think that is of far greater concern, then someone over 35 having a baby.   

I'd tend to agree with Adventurer, let her pay off her own debt.  Keep everything separate, in regard to all finanaces.  Do not cosign on anything, as it will end up as your debt.  You would be better off contributing to a retirement account at this time, as opposed to paying off her debt.   I would think that the time to help her out financially would be after she has a nice long run of being responsible with  making consistent payments on the student loan, has a long run of NOT charging any more on credit cards and pays down/off the credit card.

How would helping to pay off her debt empower her?  I'm thinking people who pay off their own debts learn a better lesson on financial responsibility.  Anyone who runs an ongoing credit card debt (beyond paying the entire balance each month), needs to learn a lesson in financial responsibility.  I tend to believe that when someone is rescued from that debt, they are more apt to return to that type of irresponsible behavior. 

Take baby steps and see what happens.  Hate to see you bail her out financially, only to learn that you want to end the relationship.

[bern4606]

I can totally understand the student loan debt and even the IRS debt. College is expensive these days and being a musician it is hard to make a living (especially when you are doing lots of contracting jobs). The past 2 years is the first time that she has had a stable and consistent income. She has gotten rid of $4000 of her credit card debt this year and her goal is to get rid of all of it by the time the baby is born. Right now she is working a full time job and is working hard at it. This is what I mean by empowerment. She lived in poverty ever since her Dad left her and her mom in her pre-teens. I am all for someone moving up the social mobility ladder when they are working hard and getting an education.

I think we are in agreement about separate accounts. I think she realizes that we are financially incompatible and that making joint accounts would affect our relationship.

The amount that I would contribute towards helping her pay off her debt is directly proportional to what she contributes. What it comes down to is that I would be more likely to help her if she continues working hard at bettering herself. Working after the baby doesn't necessarily mean full time job but if she is taking an active role in in taking care of the baby. However, if she is getting to the point of depression, watching TV constantly and not interacting with the baby, at that point we would need to have a serious conversation and intervention taking place. The mother is aware of her issues and my girlfriend told me that in the event that she displays a significant decline in mental health, I should contact the Mom. Additionally, I have been reaching a lot to my Dad who I have always had a good relationship with.

[Naughty Nibbler]

One thing to think about is that you are seven years younger than your partner.  In your 20's, energy seems endless and there is a desire to go, go, go.  Even people without mental illness get to a point where they want to scale down on their activity after work.  A baby can demand a lot of  time and attention, as well (with an associated energy drain).

Just throwing out some things to consider.  Sounds like you intend to pursue your own independent activities.  That can be good for you, as long as your partner continues to support it.  Once the baby comes, your partner won't be able to be as independent, so that can bring on some changes in the way she looks at your relationship and what is ok with her. I'm not saying it will be the case, but sentiments can change.

It is encouraging that she has paid down the credit card by $4,000 and has a target date to completely pay it off.  The CC interest rate has to be a lot higher than on the student loan, so would be best to pay the card off before making any extra payments on the student loan.  I'm thinking that the IRS debt should be a priority, as well.

The cost of housing, child care, health insurance, life insurance, etc. can add up.   You may be able to avoid therapy for you, but you partner might require it down the road.  So, if your insurance doesn't cover therapy, then that is something you have to think about.  Sounds like you have savings, that is great.  You partner should have her own emergency fund?  You should both have one.

There is something to be said about "plan for the worst, but hope for the best".  You need to think about how you will feel if the relationship doesn't work out and you want to break up (after helping to pay off her student loans).  You need to be warm and fuzzy about that, before jumping into it.  I don't know how much money she has in student loans, but your level of contribution could well be used to help fund a down payment on a home.

An alternate way to approach the situation is to save up some extra money, and use it to pay down her student loan when you feel you definitely want to marry her. If things don't work out, then you have some money to use for the cost of splitting up or perhaps to start a college fund for your child or money to use towards a down payment on a home.

[gotbushels]

Hi bern4606 

My ex basically did this to me. It failed and she tried again. I didn't "make it work", but I'd like to offer my support and sympathy to you.

The first thing that came to my mind was, "Is she telling to truth?" To that you answered:

Just to be clear, she is in fact pregnant. We have already been to the doctor and have seen the ultrasound.

I can't comment further, but for your question:

(1) I'd like to see my girlfriend continue to develop and empower herself. My fear is that having a child could make her mood more unstable and possibly in a position where she isn't fit to be a parent. Should this happen, what should I do?

I would encourage you to read about the experiences of ForeverDad--here is a recent post by him:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=294342.msg12767868#msg12767868

I think his situation is the one that you are addressing in this question.

Good luck and I hope you find rest. You sound like a decent guy that does the work to do the right thing.