Can't take much more of it

[lukeyb]

Hi all,

First of ll thanks to all of your for your advice previously. I have learned a lot and read a lot and started to impliment the new skills. In general things have improved (although she tried to mock me as she clocked onto how I try to validate her). Anyway this weekend she physically went for me pretty much over the fact the chicken hadn't defrosted l! That was the trigger as she has been stressed with work. She had also constantly accused me of cheating and been through all my phones, She has also banned my children from seeing their grandparents. (My parents for 1 month) for perceived valid reasons ( I don't  see the reasons as clear cut as her but they didn't come to their 1st birthday but it was miles away as that's where she wanted it in her home town) as soon as I mention  them or mentioned trying to reconcile ( I have a feeling my dad isn't very well) she goes into a rage where she verbally abuses me and my family. I get why she is upset by them but not to the level of verbal abuse. I also have concerns that if she speaks to me like this then what will happen when my boys get older enough to talk back. I feel my only option is to get out but I want to see my boys everyday and a bit worried how she would cope as they are hard work for a Je person and she is anxious... .I feel trapped and unsure what to do as cent speak to my face only about this as we aren't in a good place. If I did suggest that she would get aggressive anyway... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[an0ught]

Hi lukeyb,

sounds like she at the moment like a pumped up volcano ready to burst  .

How are you validating her? The way you describe her validation would need to address/express very bleak moods and attitudes towards you and others? Those are not easy to express - you already able to do this?

It sounds a bit like she is at the brink of getting physical. Have you taken a look a the safety material e.g. https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf ?

Boundaries would help a lot now but introduction of boundaries also comes with a bit of conflict. And with the situation so volatiles you are in a bind. Still it is important to acknowledge you are abused and you deserve more respect than you get  .

She has also banned my children from seeing their grandparents. (My parents for 1 month) for perceived valid reasons ( I don't  see the reasons as clear cut as her but they didn't come to their 1st birthday but it was miles away as that's where she wanted it in her home town) as soon as I mention  them or mentioned trying to reconcile ( I have a feeling my dad isn't very well) she goes into a rage where she verbally abuses me and my family.

This is not fair to the children. It is her right to be upset. Don't try to minimize that (would be invalidating). Don't try to reconcile (just would get you between two waring parties). But also don't let her isolate the children and yourself. Understand but that she is unbelievably upset and does not want to see your parents. That it may feel like a betrayal that kids see their grandparents. But they are two different things. It is ok for her to be super angry. It is ok for her not to come along... . 

[BestVersionOfMe]

Hi all,

First of ll thanks to all of your for your advice previously. I have learned a lot and read a lot and started to impliment the new skills. In general things have improved (although she tried to mock me as she clocked onto how I try to validate her). Anyway this weekend she physically went for me pretty much over the fact the chicken hadn't defrosted l! That was the trigger as she has been stressed with work. She had also constantly accused me of cheating and been through all my phones, She has also banned my children from seeing their grandparents. (My parents for 1 month) for perceived valid reasons ( I don't  see the reasons as clear cut as her but they didn't come to their 1st birthday but it was miles away as that's where she wanted it in her home town) as soon as I mention  them or mentioned trying to reconcile ( I have a feeling my dad isn't very well) she goes into a rage where she verbally abuses me and my family. I get why she is upset by them but not to the level of verbal abuse. I also have concerns that if she speaks to me like this then what will happen when my boys get older enough to talk back. I feel my only option is to get out but I want to see my boys everyday and a bit worried how she would cope as they are hard work for a Je person and she is anxious... .I feel trapped and unsure what to do as cent speak to my face only about this as we aren't in a good place. If I did suggest that she would get aggressive anyway... .

I here you about getting out, but from my personal opinion, seeing your kids only 2-3 days a week is reason enough to stick around and try to get to the relationship to an acceptable place.  The mocking is just a test because she wants to shame you into not doing it anymore.  From everything I have read, 9 plus books by now, people with BPD do the opposite of what they should do to get what they want.  They want validation desperately, but in order to live the life of their childhood they do things to make validation less likely.  Keep validating, but see if you can come up with ways that seem more natural.  For me it meant rather than say things like a clinical psychologist would I would just say things like, "Oh that sucks!"  For example when the chicken wasn't defrosted in time, for her that was a very traumatic experience and so perhaps you could get on her side and say something like, "Yeah I'm totally pissed too!  I thought it would thaw way faster than that.  It's really pissing me off, what else can we do?"  By taking this approach you are "normalizing" her strong reaction.  Sometimes you can't validate something that is ridiculous in my opinion so instead I try to normalize.