Just now realizing I'm being Gaslighted

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've been living with my boyfriend for two months, and this new living arrangement has shown me the true nature of this relationship.  I am being gaslighted.  If I have an issue, it is deflected back to me and I am the bad guy.  Then I wind up aplogizing for his behavior.  I'll set the scene:

I told my boyfriend over a year ago I felt his ex wife texted him wayyy to much.  asked him to rectify it, said I was not comfortable with her daily communications and it was a deal breaker for me.  Fast forward a few months, I asked him how that was going.  He said she does not text me daily.  We were at a bar, and I took his phone from him, read it, and confronted him when I saw it was not true.  She was still texting him daily.  (now before I get reasons here, I know why he responds.  He has a strained relationship with his children, and she is the only link to information regarding them)  So he tries to keep the communication open.  But daily, is uncalled for.  Wait another six months, and I ask him again.  He says no it's not frequent.  I did a bad thing.  Checked his phone to verify.  yes, it is pretty much every other day.  Not just about kids.  She asks frequent favors.  She sends meme's.  Tries to hold political discussions with him.  Etc.  I told him about it, and he felt violated.  I also read his email once he left open.  I know these three violations were horrible of me.  I admitted it.  When I asked him though if she was still texting frequently, he lied and said no.  I felt validated in looking for the truth of the matter.  He says I did not lie.  Those texts weren't important enough for me to remember.  He also added I do not promote open communication by giving him a hard time about her texts.  So that shows he is very much aware of frequent texts.  But I decided to let him work on it on his end without intruding and get him to tone it down on his own.  I had dropped the subject.  Fast forward to last night.  I asked him where to find the zantac.  he said upstairs next to bed.  There is a wooden box next to bed.  They were not on it.  I said as much, and he said the wooden box.  I looked in it.  I found a picture of his ex wife in it.  I came downstairs and calmly said, I get your need for mementos, but they do not belong in our bedroom.  I had a pissy tone, but I was calm.  He said I had no idea it was there, and he threw the picture away.  He acted distant today.  I apologized for getting pissy, and that is when the gaslighting began. 

All of a sudden it wasn't about me finding her picture in our bedroom. It was about me invading his privacy and gettitng into his things.  He swears I was purposely snooping, when in reality I was following his instrucitons on where to find the damn meds.  An hour later I was apologizing for my past behavior, and getting pissy last night while he droned on and on about my not allowing him any privacy, which was not the topic at hand.  I was upset!  His was just a reaction to deflect me into another direction.  He does this all the time.  I am always wrong.  Help if you can.  I don't know how to handle him.  I have not texted him all day, nor has he texted me.  We are strained right now. 

[Daph]

I've been living with my boyfriend for two months, and this new living arrangement has shown me the true nature of this relationship.  I am being gaslighted.  If I have an issue, it is deflected back to me and I am the bad guy.  Then I wind up aplogizing for his behavior.  I'll set the scene:

I told my boyfriend over a year ago I felt his ex wife texted him wayyy to much.  asked him to rectify it, said I was not comfortable with her daily communications and it was a deal breaker for me.  Fast forward a few months, I asked him how that was going.  He said she does not text me daily.  We were at a bar, and I took his phone from him, read it, and confronted him when I saw it was not true.  She was still texting him daily.  (now before I get reasons here, I know why he responds.  He has a strained relationship with his children, and she is the only link to information regarding them)  So he tries to keep the communication open.  But daily, is uncalled for.  Wait another six months, and I ask him again.  He says no it's not frequent.  I did a bad thing.  Checked his phone to verify.  yes, it is pretty much every other day.  Not just about kids.  She asks frequent favors.  She sends meme's.  Tries to hold political discussions with him.  Etc.  I told him about it, and he felt violated.  I also read his email once he left open.  I know these three violations were horrible of me.  I admitted it.  When I asked him though if she was still texting frequently, he lied and said no.  I felt validated in looking for the truth of the matter.  He says I did not lie.  Those texts weren't important enough for me to remember.  He also added I do not promote open communication by giving him a hard time about her texts.  So that shows he is very much aware of frequent texts.  But I decided to let him work on it on his end without intruding and get him to tone it down on his own.  I had dropped the subject.  Fast forward to last night.  I asked him where to find the zantac.  he said upstairs next to bed.  There is a wooden box next to bed.  They were not on it.  I said as much, and he said the wooden box.  I looked in it.  I found a picture of his ex wife in it.  I came downstairs and calmly said, I get your need for mementos, but they do not belong in our bedroom.  I had a pissy tone, but I was calm.  He said I had no idea it was there, and he threw the picture away.  He acted distant today.  I apologized for getting pissy, and that is when the gaslighting began. 

All of a sudden it wasn't about me finding her picture in our bedroom. It was about me invading his privacy and gettitng into his things.  He swears I was purposely snooping, when in reality I was following his instrucitons on where to find the damn meds.  An hour later I was apologizing for my past behavior, and getting pissy last night while he droned on and on about my not allowing him any privacy, which was not the topic at hand.  I was upset!  His was just a reaction to deflect me into another direction.  He does this all the time.  I am always wrong.  Help if you can.  I don't know how to handle him.  I have not texted him all day, nor has he texted me.  We are strained right now. 

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[Akita]

This seems like a boundary issue.  I'm no good at boundaries.  I hope a senior member reads your post and helps you.  There are also lessons on boundaries you can read.  This also strikes me as a trust issue.  My dBPDw struggles with boundaries and trust so they are probably fairly common issues for pwBPD.  I'm still working on these myself.  Do read the lessons offered on this site and participate in threads, I find them to be quite helpful.

[waverider]

Akita is correct it is a boundary issue. If you say it is a deal breaker you are not showing it.

At the moment it is just a demand. By doing nothing when it continues you reinforce you have no boundaries. you are allowing yourself to be exposed to behavior which really you are not comfortable with.

Bottom line is you shouldn't feel the need to snoop. That transgresses your own values (I hope). Your boundary value should look like "I will not live in a partnered relationship where the distrust is at such a level that I feel a strong desire to snoop"... .This way it is all encompassing, and it is about you and your feelings, rather than the nuts and bolts of any individual issues.

As long as you tie your boundaries to the fairness of specific issues you will be presented with denials and distractions to get you off your moral high ground. This leads to JADE (Justify, Defend, argue, explain) until you shift onto a side issue and you feel guilty and start to self doubt.

The term "gaslighting" is frowned on here as that refers to a movie where a criminally sane mind tries to convince an innocent sane mind that they are insane for financial gain. What you are actually dealing with is automatic denial of responsibility and distraction to avoid consequences. It is pretty common with pwBPD when cornered.

If you can make boundaries about you, and your actions about you it takes away the direct accusations and the resultant automatic denials.

In this case it may mean moving out until such a time that you feel more secure. how you define that is simply on how you feel, not on specific actions. You are not telling him to do anything and so can be accused of controlling. eg " The amount of interaction with your X makes me uncomfortable" vs "stop texting so much with your ex"... Its only a slight shift but it links your actions to your feelings, not specifically telling what to do. That way it is up to him what he does to make you feel more comfortable. balls in his court.

[Bpdsupporter]

So why is him being in contact daily with his ex wifea deal breaker? Do you feel that they still have feelings for each other? Do you feel jelous or insecure about their relationship? I only ask because investigating how you are feeling is so important.

Trust issues is common in about just every relationship. Correct me if I'm wrong but it sounds like you don't trust him. Is that how you feel? It's ok and completely understandable if you do. How you feel is important.

My pwBPD was also married but him and his ex wife are very strained and she pretty much gives him hell. But if they got along I suppose that would make me feel nervous too.

But one thing that is relevant is that she is his ex wife for a reason. Their marriage didn't work. And he is with you living with you. So that's got to mean something right?

What are your thoughts about that? I'm interested in really hearing how all this makes you feel. 

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY DAPH: 

Welcome to BPD Family!

You might find the link below helpful.  It leads you to info. on BPD symptoms and diagnosis:

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a102.htm


Has your boyfriend been officially diagnosed with BPD?  I think many of us have a BPD trait or two.  Beyond your situation in your first post above, what makes you think your boyfriend had a personality disorder?

[waverider]

There are two separate dynamics possible with partners interactions with an ex. There is the lack of complete trust in your partner, and there is the indignation of potential power playing by the ex.

It is not uncommon for an ex's interaction to be not so much interest in rekindling anything but simply a means of self validation by competing with the current partner, which in effect is an attempt to undermine.

So the question is who is seeking validation your partner of the ex? Maybe both? If it is purely a means for validation then it is unlikely to go past ego stroking.

[Daph]

This is my first chance to read and respond as I do not have internet where we live yet.  I'm at work.  LOL

Thank you all for your input.  I've printed out some material to read when I can. 

My issue is this: 

It's not so much the daily texting, it's that he will choose whatever thing she asks for - even if its to my detriment, to keep her from flipping out.  Keep the peace at all costs.  She is the only avenue towards a healthy relationship with his kids.  He has damaged that, and he needs the info from her to try to work his way back in. 

That said, you can see I fully understand his situation.  My problem lies with him.  She texted to the point that her new boyfriend texted my SO and accused him of being the texting culprit.  It was her.  I know this cause I read them.  LOL  (not funny, but still)  She made her new boyfriend believe he was after her in an attempt to cause drama. 

I have always taken a back seat to do what needed to be done.  He goes and picks up the grandaughter without me, because I am not allowed on her property.  I was discluded in the two year olds party for same reason.  There was a christmas family get together planned at her house, again discluding me, leaving me alone on the holidays.  This is all a power play on his ex's part.  I see it.  He sees it.  But his fear of putting more strain on the kids, is putting strain on us. 

Her texts from one weeks time: 

meme's, relating to his life

Political discussion asking him who she should vote for

chit chat about kids grandkids

ASking for him various favors:  Can you clip dogs nails, can you pay for half the cost of swing set?  Can you pick it up and set it up?  Can you find out why insurance is denying me a leg pump?  Can you babysit such and such a night?  Can you come by my house and put a car seat in for me?  The list goes on and on.  Some of them pertain to the kids and grandkids, but at least 1/4 of them are personal favors for her.  If he does not have time to do me favors, and most times he doesn't cause he's a busy man, how does she rate?  It causes jealousy. 

I have asked him to set up some boundaries so we can move on with our lives.  A year ago.  He said he did.  I trusted him that he did, but litttle things he would say told me otherwise.  So I flat out took his phone from him and looked.  I was right.  No boundaries set.  I asked him once again.  Left it go for several months.  Asked him flat out how his plan was working.  He said great, she barely texts me.  Did not believe him and checked again.  Again I was right.  Every stinking day. 

So my problem clearly lies with him.  My trust level is waning.  If she is texting every day about nonimportant stuff, say that.  Don't say "It doesn't even register on my radar so I completely forget she texted" or " you don't promote open communication."  Yes, I do.  You just don't like my response.  It's that simple. 

I have an appointment with a therapist on the 20th.  He was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and he went for counceling for two months, decided he had the tools to make this relationship successful, and quit going. 

Now I need to have the tools to find out how to handle this relationship fairly and in a healthy way. 

He has this new habit of shutting me right down if I have an issue, and turning into some way I have wronged him in the process, and then I am apologizing for having an issue in the first place. 

[waverider]

Toxic interactions can be like a drug to a pwBPD. My wife has similar issues with her own mother. All contact is endless drama, and my wife hates her mum, yet she is compelled to call her every other day, it never ends well. Despite therapy help being specifically targeted at helping her stop this, she can't. It is like a drug addiction. Its like constantly watching two obsessed people trying to hammer a square peg in around tube. one continues to hammer while the other holds the tube steady. They both need the interaction or process, no matter how dysfunctional

There is always a reason for each and every contact. It is not all one way. One way communication soon becomes tiring and the other party gives up. It is a two way dynamic based on action and counteraction.

Make no mistake this is a psychological addiction issue you are dealing with.