I'm worried about my first girlfriend, don't want to seem clingy

[FluffyCloud]

I'm f, 19. My girlfriend of almost 2 weeks is the problem here. She is a couplw of years older than myself. She has BPD and I worry TOO much about her (of course, or else I would have broken up with her already like most of the trashbags in the world). No, I care. Perhaps even a little bit too much.

I don't have one specific question here and am terrible with words so if possible, please take a read and give me advise on the numerous things you think I should or shouldn't do in my situation.

Note- as well as having BPD, she is autistic (we both are), and both have depression. I don't know anything else about her mental disorders. Although she has been in psychiatric hospitals 4 times (I only knew her during one of those hospitalisations; the others were before I knew her).

I have watched numerous youtube videos trying to understand what BPD is so that I know what to brush off because of her BPD and what not to. Just trying to get a feel of what it does and what I could be dealing with.

She is the dominant one in the relationship. Even so, I can be a bit controlling (like when she drove me home and I made her stay the night because I wouldn't let her drive home because she was exhausted and I didn't want anything to happen to her.


My problem is that while I worry and try to help her, I can't fully control her. She puts her health at risk a lot (staying up late until 1am and just doing outright dangerous things such as crossing the road when there was a car slowly moving towards us; I told her about it when she stepped out and she said she didn't care, so I stepped out with her so if anything were to hapen I'd be there and could push herniut of the way if need be) Does she not worry about herself? Or is this a typical characterstic of BPD people?

One thing that annoys me is that she takes a long time to respond to text messages (which can sometimes make me ulset or on edge), and when I send confirmations such as the time and place we are meeting, she rarely says 'ok' or 'sure'. She just leaves it which annoys me but that is besides the point. She takes ages to reply, and I worry sick about her.

I talk to her on the phone, text her and message her on facebook messenger. I usually send a lot more than her. Unless sne starts the conversation (which usually happens on the rare evening), she'll actually reply instantly or within the next 5 minutes. Wow!

We are pretty open with each other; if I ask if something's up and press enough she'll usually tell me.

She once sent me a text message out of the blue saying "Sorry for being such a bad friend"

My initial thought was WHAT THE HELL? You're my closest and only proper friend; you've helped me so much and have been there for me for the past almost year that we have known eachother. You haven't ditched me like most people do after getting to know me. You actually bother spending time with me. You stopped me from being suicidal. You're MORE than amazing! And I told her so. Is it normal to doubt yourself so much like this if you have BPD?

How can I help her, show that I care for her and remind her thy she's great, WITHOUT seeming clingy? That's my biggest issue right now.

I thought about sending her good morning texts, but tey mit be off putting. I've sent her a coup,e of gpod night ones but didn't always get replies. Even so should I still bother with them?

Sorry for my ramble. I'd love your opinion on our situation, and nany advice on what you think I should do and what Inshould avoid doing. I don't want to distance myself from her only to have her sink down and get hospitalised again

I can't stop thinking and worrying about her. I try to but she's always in the back of my mind... .

Cheers!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

This is your first romantic relationship and you are still quite young. Although it makes sense to be afraid of making a mistake, I hope you will be easy on yourself if you do, because, very few people ( if any) do everything right and also this is how we learn in relationships. You might do something that is clingy, or upsets her, and she may do the same to you- because well- there isn't always one right or wrong thing to do, and people in a new experience don't know exactly what to do all the time.

It's great to have these feelings for someone, but knowing that someone is a good match for you can take time. How to know that? By paying attention to how you are feeling as the relationship goes on. Probably the most important thing is to be yourself. - because ultimately you want someone to like you for you, and if you feel you need to act or be someone you are not, in order for your partner to like you, then you won't feel that someone likes you for you.

I hope you can look at this from a perspective that there isn't one right way for this relationship to go. If you feel like sending her a message- then do so. Also know that both of you have choices of what you like and what you don't like. You may decide that her lack of responding to your messages is something about her that you can deal with, or not. She may like your morning messages or feel it is clingy. You may also decide it is too stressful to be in a relationship with someone you worry about may hurt herself- or be able to help with this. If the relationship works out- well that is good, and if it does not- well that is good too because- you learned from it and that helps you with other relationships.

I think you said something important in your post- I can't fully control her. No, you can't. Nobody can fully control another person. Trying to do that isn't good for a relationship. The only person we can control is ourselves. A relationship between any two people involves uncertainty and some unpredictability. That is scary, but it is also a wonderful part of relationships. Be yourself, and let her be herself.

[an0ught]

Hi FluffyCloud,

How can I help her, show that I care for her and remind her thy she's great, WITHOUT seeming clingy? That's my biggest issue right now.

If she is BPD and the dominant person and you are autistic your concern should be more along the lines of where your boundaries are and how you establish and maintain structure in the relationship. What you will not do. Boundaries are vital for the stability.

What to do on a day to day basis - check out the workshops on validation. Building and maintaining the right communication is what make relationships works and in particular relationships with pwBPD who need a lot of if. As a person struggling with autism you may struggle at times with validation when it comes to reading and reacting to emotions. Validation skills are part nature but having seen so many people on this board working through the workshops and with their peers I know that validation skills can be significantly improved with proper focus and persistence.

,

a0