Ten Year Triangle

[Siamese Rescue]

My BPDbf is almost 46. For ten years we have been in a triangle with his ex. She is 56. I'm 46. Their relationship has been one of crazy, violence, tumult. She recently went away for ten weeks: 2/25 to 5/6 in patient to a rehab facility for codependency and opiate addiction. She is highly manipulative. She has mothered my boyfriend while they also had a sexual relationship - she has stopped at nothing to break us up. She is literally like a character on a Jerry Springer show. My bf relies on her heavily as they owned a few businesses together (both failed). She has her name on his condo. He lives alone. She has mandated that I am not allowed to hang out with him at his place or she will call the police. He says it stresses him out when she and I are battling over him. He claims they aren't sexually active. I don't believe it. Those around us notice that when she is away, or occupied with a transient boyfriend, that my boyfriend behaves more stable and mature. He gets content. We have peace, but it's temporary. I feel strung along. When I challenged him about spending time with her he broke up with me for a month, now we are away together for a short vacation that was pre planned. I have loads of anxiety about his shifting while we are on this trip. I love him. People have said he loves me. I don't know how to make this stable. He painted me black then reversed it and now that we are returning home tomorrow he is pushing me away, causing me to worry what will happen this week. I feel I'm losing him back to her. Is there anything I can do? When I ignore him, she takes over but after a few days he starts checking up on me. I am a cancer survivor and this is damaging. Yet I don't want to be with anyone else. Ugh. Impossible situation.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Oncebitten]

Have you told him how you feel directly?

I realize this can backfire with a borderline, but still sometimes you have to say your peace if nothing else but for your own sanity.

[Siamese Rescue]

We have seen a therapist on an intermittent basis. I'm not sure it has helped us. I'm curious what your opinion is on how I should word my feelings? I'm open to suggestions. The minute I try to set boundaries between my boyfriend and his ex, she's convinced him i am controlling and trying to isolate him. It's very frustrating... .

[Oncebitten]

I honestly don't know what to tell you to say.  I actually had an argument with my BPDgf earlier today... .she brought up an issue and inserted an ex of hers into the argument.  I told her exactly how I felt about her still talking to him.  That led to a big fight... .pretty sure I have been painted black... .she won't take my calls, and we may be done.  Not sure you want my advice, sorry. 

[Siamese Rescue]

 She picked him up from the airport... .It was a bad scene.

[Siamese Rescue]

he shifted after the four great days we had on our trip... .all the great times and tender moments he said didn't mean anything. She's like his mother and when she snaps her fingers he jumps. He turned against me before our flight took off to return home. It was crazy. Hours before we were holding hands and kissing.