New and looking for support

[daisydragonfly]

Ha!  The best option to pick to start this message was "I am in a romantic relationship".  Hahahaha.  Why isn't "I am in a difficult relationship" an option?  I don't know about the rest of you but there ain't nothing romantic about this! 

OK.  This is me... .I have been married to hubby for over 20 years.  I went searching for a reason for his behaviour a few years ago (because no rational person behaves this way right?) and found that BPD fit to a T.  He has never been officially diagnosed.  He doesn't believe in mental disorders or psychiatry so I don't really have any hope of him getting help.  I just need a place to come to vent my own frustration and know that I'm not alone in this. I am currently the devil in his life and he hates everything, but mostly me.  He waits till we have company over and them makes all kinds of snide comments about anything he can drum up... .I've gotten so good at ignoring it all that I just feel invisible.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi daisydragonfly and

yes, it is a given that all of these are difficult relationships  . i think youre in the right place. sadly you are right, he may be very resistant to help, but you are not alone, and there is hope both for you and your relationship. a great place to start is with the lessons directly to the right. i have found that these lessons, the communication techniques especially, have been invaluable in improving all of my interpersonal relationships and given me a lot of confidence in my own words and actions.

after many years of being the perceived devil in his life, and feeling invisible, you must feel exhausted. what are you able to do for self care?

keep posting, daisydragonfly. youre in good company 

[Moselle]

Daisydragonfly,

Let me join once removed in welcoming you here.  

Your story struck a chord with me, because I can empathise with the numbness that accompanies a relationship like this. Mine was for 15 years BTW. I also recognise the courage it takes to reach out for help .

You are indeed not alone in this, and  believe me when I say there is help and happiness ahead.  The avalanche of information on the site can be daunting but there is structure to it and its been cleverly designed for our growth and recovery. And to assist us in improving our relationships.

I'm curious, which traits did you recognise in your hubby which brought you here?

BTW. It it very convenient for him to say that he doesn't believe in mental disorders or psychiatry .  Why do you think he says that?

[daisydragonfly]

Thank you! It feels good to talk to people who have been through this.  I always feel like when I tell friends stories of some of the things that go on here that they must think I'm the crazy one.  When you say it aloud it sounds ridiculous, like I'm leaving out some very important information, like I cheated on him or killed his puppy.  you know? 

What traits led me here?  The splitting is a big one. He is a definite black and white thinker and people are either all good or all bad, his life is either all good or all bad.  But I will be all bad for disagreeing with him, even in the smallest of issues. And the moodiness... .oh my.  It's far easier to blame others and not take any responsibility if you can dismiss anything that comes from a mental health professional.

[Hopeful07]

It is really hard to talk to people about this stuff. This board has been helping me so much, I hope it does the sane for you

[Dizzy Princess]

 I always feel like when I tell friends stories of some of the things that go on here that they must think I'm the crazy one.  When you say it aloud it sounds ridiculous, like I'm leaving out some very important information, like I cheated on him or killed his puppy.  you know?  

Hi Daisydragonfly I do know... .

When I have told of a situation that has happened in my home, that I could actually admit to, the details would sound ludicrous to friends... .My good friends would say that I had to stop taking the nonsense and that it is emotional abuse or why didn't I leave already? And this with only minor details. For years I have been ashamed to elaborated on H's behavior because I still want to be in this relationship... .

For instance I shared a situation where I got the silent treatment for 3 days because one night  H said I gave him a sh**y pillow out of the blue - I have no idea what set him off. My friends might laugh or say I should be thankful instead of worried, it's not like he's cheating on me? I too have been with my uBPDH for 20+ years  (26!) and just finding out about this disorder in the past 2 months so have tried so hard to find reasonable excuses for H's behavior along the way... .

I reiterate that you are not alone. The lessons are taking a while to read but they are helping me take better care of myself. Hope you will continue venting and sharing we are here for each other!

[Moselle]

It's far easier to blame others and not take any responsibility if you can dismiss anything that comes from a mental health professional.

Indeed.