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Author Topic: Mental abuse  (Read 416 times)
Changed

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married 21 years
Posts: 19


« on: June 13, 2016, 02:09:15 PM »

Over the weekend I showed my husband the article https://www.theodysseyonline.com/emotionally-abusive-relationship.  I told him I didn't show it to him to make him feel bad but for him to understand my hurt and struggle with our relationship.  Was it wrong of me?  He admits he did all of that to me and he's truly sorry, but wants us to put it in the past and have things be normal between us again.  I explained it's hard for me because he still gets moody, pouts and makes comments to me he knows bothers me.  We haven't had sex since February, I feel dead in that department.  He manipulated me so bad when it came to sex.  It was more "porn" sex and not loving sex, he would refer to me as his little hot whore etc., he posted pics of me on-line and would get excited to read the comments men would put on there, sometimes he pretended to be me when corresponding with them.  I became someone I didn't like and I did all to try to make him happy, which now I see nothing could.  If I jumped through one hoop, then it was two, then three and four and I am tired of jumping.  He knows I hit bottom, he knows part of me is dead inside.  But, he will still makes sexual comments to me, grab me, fondle me when I am sleeping.  I showed the column to him Sunday because he kept making comments to me, like can we get naked together today, following me room to room, needing many hugs and reassurance.  We had several kids running around Sunday but yet his goal was to get me naked even though he knows that I shut down in that way.  I feel dirty
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an0ught
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« Reply #1 on: June 13, 2016, 03:50:42 PM »

Hi Changed,

what you need are boundaries and recovering some sense of mutual respect. When you put the abuse topic on the table you triggered guilt and abandonment. He is now scrambling to get closer and make everything well. Problem is this won't work. Pretty much the opposite you need.

You expressed what you don't want. Think about what exactly you really need. And then express and insist on it (where possible by keeping control via boundaries).
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Changed

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Gender: Female
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Relationship status: Married 21 years
Posts: 19


« Reply #2 on: June 13, 2016, 05:10:15 PM »

I know I wondered after he read it, I feel so lost on how to handle things with him.  The sex situation is not good.  Thank you for your input!
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an0ught
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« Reply #3 on: June 14, 2016, 02:31:24 PM »

I feel so lost on how to handle things with him. 

Then don't handle him. Focus on handling yourself. Let him adjust to you. Trying to fix someone who is so unstable risks loosing own perspective. Focus on external reference frameworks. You are the leader in the relationship and it all depends on you holding your heading true.

The sex situation is not good. 

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DotinOz

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« Reply #4 on: June 14, 2016, 05:25:15 PM »

Hi Changed 

I feel for you and totally empathize. What my husband does is kind of similar but i enjoy the sex a lot. But the things he has done at first made me feel dirty... .Im past it now cause i find that sex is an outlet for him to sort of come down from a raging BPD episode. Do you see this with you husband also?
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Naughty Nibbler
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« Reply #5 on: June 14, 2016, 10:42:40 PM »



HEY CHANGED:

I'm so sorry about your situation with your husband.  Sounds like you were led to cross a boundary and you deeply regret it. You need a big hug 

Don't beat yourself up over the past.  You can't change that. We all make mistakes and do things that we regret.  Good for you for recognizing that you did something that wasn't right for you and you stopped.

A therapist could help you and your husband have an open discussion about your sexual relationship and help revive it (to make peace regarding the past and to work on a new way to interact within your boundaries).  All of us get stuck sometimes and need someone to throw us a rope to get us out of the black hole we feel we are in. 

Any chance you can both go to counseling?  If not, than maybe you can go.  You may feel overwhelmed right now, but just start to do your best to tame problems one at a time.  In case you haven't read about boundaries yet, I've added a couple links below?

Here is a link to a thread about boundaries:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0

This link leads to discussion thread on boundaries (there are approx. 7 pages of discussion)

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0


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Changed

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Relationship status: Married 21 years
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« Reply #6 on: June 15, 2016, 02:51:14 PM »

I believe he used sex for many reasons: control, enjoyment, feeling loved and he was addicted to porn for awhile and I believe that fed him some unrealistic views on sex.  I too enjoy our sex life for many years until he was more worried about his own sexual needs, desires and using it as a tool for control.  He got to the point he would say do A, B and C for me or I will end up having an affair to get it.  Then told me not to be mad that he said that but thankful that he's honest with me.  Our kids would make comments to me like, dad was looking at naked girls again on the computer... .dad was in his room doing stuff to himself... .Dad was watching a movie on TV and the girl was making funny sounds.  And this is when we would have sex either daily or every other day!    :'(

As for seeing a therapist, we've been there tried that.  He would lie about certain things and manipulate the time with the therapist.  I would call him out on it during the session and then he would be mad at me afterwards.  After many visits the therapist started to really hone in on him and some changes he needed to make in order to have a happier healthier life and marriage.  We talked about the unrealistic sexual demands etc. which ofcourse my husband didn't like to discuss.  My husband after about 5 sessions considered it a waste of time and refused to go anymore.  The last time I went to see the therapist about a year ago by myself, the therapist told me that he doesn't see him changing and I need to decide whether I can continue the marriage or not.  He said he did have some fear of my safety if I was to leave and said I should contact him before doing so.

Also to anOught, that is what our therapist said to me as well.  Even though I have gotten better about boundaries and standing strong for myself, I still feel like it's all on me.  I have been trying to have him adjust to me, but about 1-2 x's a week he tells me how I don't give enough to him etc.  I am not acting like a wife, he needs more.  But, it doesn't make a difference.  When I about destroyed myself making him happy, he still wanted more if you know what I mean.  Good was never good enough, give him an inch he wants to go on a marathon run.

I thank all of you for your help, atleast I don't feel totally along anymore.
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Naughty Nibbler
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« Reply #7 on: June 15, 2016, 05:30:57 PM »

CHANGED:

Unfortunately, we can't change anyone.  It can present a difficult situation when your husband won't even make a serious effort to compromise on things.  The only thing you can do is control the way you interact and react.

Sorry to hear that counseling didn't lead to a favorable outcome.  At some point, you might want to go back on your own and focus on some personal issues.  Got to take care of yourself and stay safe

Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing. 
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