Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 09:03:09 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Things we can't ignore
What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship
Why We Struggle in Our Relationships
Is Your Relationship Breaking Down?
Codependency and Codependent Relationships
93
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Does she have BPD ?  (Read 374 times)
Bpdruinmylife

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 14


« on: June 13, 2016, 07:06:22 PM »

Please give me your opinion

• When we met she was married but she said that her husband allowed her to see other men because they had an agreement. She was sleeping on the couch. He had an alcohol problem and couldn't satisfy her.

• A month or so of us seeing each other she left her husband and wanted me to move in with her. She was relentless about me moving in with her. Cmon, cmon, cmon, just constant

• Early on we would be having an amazing time together and suddenly it was if all the energy in the room would leave and she would get quiet and then dark and moody and upset that I was not with her completely. That I hadn't left my life yet for her. This would happen somewhat frequently, an emotional mood swing to darkness

• She would call me at night after drinking a bit and say the most angry meanest things to me, she would be upset, crying and carrying on. Just unhinged. She would say she was going to commit suicide, that she had a miscarriage, she hated meeting me etc... .

• After the episode she would be in a physical comatose, just beat down, literally in bed for a day or two, just exhausted and spent. Just no strength to deal with anything.

• Every once in awhile something really strange would come out, "there are things i don't like about you," "i know you are going to be messy," "you aren't going to be easy aren't you?"  "i like to own all the balls in the room, it's a personal i play with," she would also talk about how a man was pursuing her, chased her to her hotel room etc...

• She is willing to get therapy after she has an episode and I basically leave her. She will actively go to ALANON, or even a therapist, I have even sat with a therapist with her, and it was so calming and great,

• She rages, she threatens to expose me to my ex... (we are still friends)... .it's scary how she just goes insane... .

• She has a great job she is very good at

• She has the sense of humor of an 11 year old boy, kinda goofy cute fun, she is absolutely gorgeous, gregarious, huge smile, personality off the charts,

• She also kinda takes on things that are me, maybe style of clothes or some activities I do, it's a bit strange ... .

• When I add something to my schedule new and am excited about it, when I tell her, I get the feeling she is threatened or something by it, like not really happy but she has to pretend or something

• She is very smart and she has opened me up and made me look at some dark things about myself and it has been really painful but I think they are true flaws I need to work on... .problem is now... .she has done somethings that I just don't trust her anymore ... .she became the best friend i've ever had, she has seen me break down and cry and face really dark demons... at same time though she has betrayed or threatened to betray me and it just broke trust...

• she wants to work it out with me ... .go to therapy ... .build the life we dreamed about ... .but there is just something strange ...

• one time she threatened suicide ... .and asked me to come over just to be with her ... i slept on couch not with her for a few days ... .she started to act like we were living together ! i got super pissed and told her no, i'm here because of sucide watch ... .she got super pissed... threw me out and my stuff ... .was insane ... but

what do you think?
Logged
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Online Online

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12608



« Reply #1 on: June 14, 2016, 03:12:09 PM »

hi Bpdruinmylife and Welcome

unfortunately, none of us here are professionals and we cannot diagnose the person in your life. many of your examples are abnormal, and/or hurtful behavior - they may or may not be indicative of BPD, but most of the people with BPD in our lives are not diagnosed; we explore the BPD traits and behaviors that effect(ed) us, and how.

how are you feeling about these things and the state of your relationship right now? what would you like to improve?
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
DotinOz

*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 23


« Reply #2 on: June 14, 2016, 05:21:19 PM »

Hi there!

Sorry you are going through this. I hate to see anyone else go through what I go through with my husband, a diagnosed BPD. Unfortunately it DOES sound like she has BPD.  She won't change... .and wont get help unless she wants to. The only reason I am with my husband is because I love him and I try to live through the rages and silent treatment and hellacious spew he says when he is in a devaluation mode. I am trying to change the way I react to it because I cannot change him at all. When he is up he is UP and things are fantastic. I hope this helps a bit. Hang in there !
Logged
schwing
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: married to a non
Posts: 3614


WWW
« Reply #3 on: June 14, 2016, 10:43:32 PM »

Hi Bpdruinmylife,

Here's how I would relate the qualities you describe with the BPD diagnostic criteria under the DSM-V:

• When we met she was married but she said that her husband allowed her to see other men because they had an agreement. She was sleeping on the couch. He had an alcohol problem and couldn't satisfy her.

"1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment" ... .As I see it, for people with BPD (pwBPD), when they are in an "open" relationship, they are less likely to be "abandoned" because they can abandon first by being with someone else before the unhappy partner can leave them.  This is a strategy to avoid abandonment; abandonment occurs when you are left, not when you leave (not when it is you who abandons).

• A month or so of us seeing each other she left her husband and wanted me to move in with her. She was relentless about me moving in with her. Cmon, cmon, cmon, just constant

After she decided to leave her husband, now she had to deal with the *imagined* possibility that you could/would leave her.  So this is why she had such incredible insecurity whenever you didn't do something to indicate that you were totally committed to her.  In fact, I would imagine the closer you two became, the worse her insecurity got.

• Early on we would be having an amazing time together and suddenly it was if all the energy in the room would leave and she would get quiet and then dark and moody and upset that I was not with her completely. That I hadn't left my life yet for her. This would happen somewhat frequently, an emotional mood swing to darkness

"2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation"

"6. Affect instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)"

"Amazing time together" = idealization;

"she would get quiet and then dark and moody and upset" = affect instability (or emotional instability);

• She would call me at night after drinking a bit and say the most angry meanest things to me, she would be upset, crying and carrying on. Just unhinged. She would say she was going to commit suicide, that she had a miscarriage, she hated meeting me etc... .

"4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., substance abuse, binge eating, and reckless driving)" -- alcoholism?

"5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior" -- threat of suicide.

"8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)"

You see, pwBPD can get upset of their loved ones simply because they *imagine* their loves ones plan to leave them.  And you cannot convince them otherwise because this is how they feel.  And for pwBPD feelings override facts.

• After the episode she would be in a physical comatose, just beat down, literally in bed for a day or two, just exhausted and spent. Just no strength to deal with anything.

"7. Chronic feelings of emptiness"

"9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms"

Maybe not the paranoid ideation, but "dissociative" means disconnecting... .

• Every once in awhile something really strange would come out, "there are things i don't like about you," "i know you are going to be messy," "you aren't going to be easy aren't you?"  "i like to own all the balls in the room, it's a personal i play with," she would also talk about how a man was pursuing her, chased her to her hotel room etc...

"3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self"  It's almost like she changes personality traits from time to time?

• She is willing to get therapy after she has an episode and I basically leave her. She will actively go to ALANON, or even a therapist, I have even sat with a therapist with her, and it was so calming and great,

"1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment" ... .is she going to get therapy because she genuinely wants to get better or because she is afraid you would leave her if she did not?

• She rages, she threatens to expose me to my ex... (we are still friends)... .it's scary how she just goes insane... .

"8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)"

• She has a great job she is very good at

BPD is about interpersonal relationships and intimacy; it does not impact their ability to function in non-intimate dynamics -- there are plenty of high functioning people with BPD in this world.  Most people do not get to see their disordered behaviors.

• She has the sense of humor of an 11 year old boy, kinda goofy cute fun, she is absolutely gorgeous, gregarious, huge smile, personality off the charts,

• She also kinda takes on things that are me, maybe style of clothes or some activities I do, it's a bit strange ... .

"3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self"  If you sense of self is unstable, you can assume the qualities of those around you, especially those closest to you.

• When I add something to my schedule new and am excited about it, when I tell her, I get the feeling she is threatened or something by it, like not really happy but she has to pretend or something

"1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment"  ... .Changes from the routine, and unpredictable events lead to *imagined* abandonment.

• She is very smart and she has opened me up and made me look at some dark things about myself and it has been really painful but I think they are true flaws I need to work on... .problem is now... .she has done somethings that I just don't trust her anymore ... .she became the best friend i've ever had, she has seen me break down and cry and face really dark demons... at same time though she has betrayed or threatened to betray me and it just broke trust...

"2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation"

Idealization = the best of times

devaluation = the worst of times

• she wants to work it out with me ... .go to therapy ... .build the life we dreamed about ... .but there is just something strange ...

"3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self"

• one time she threatened suicide ... .and asked me to come over just to be with her ... i slept on couch not with her for a few days ... .she started to act like we were living together ! i got super pissed and told her no, i'm here because of sucide watch ... .she got super pissed... threw me out and my stuff ... .was insane ... but

Like Once removed said, we don't diagnose here.  I'm not a professional.  The stuff I wrote above is quoted from the manual that the professionals use.  However my interpretation is from a lay-perspective.

Best wishes,

Schwing
Logged

Bpdruinmylife

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 14


« Reply #4 on: June 16, 2016, 01:55:31 PM »

So confusing ... .so so so confusing ... .I don't know what to believe anymore ... am I imagining that she is BPD ... .am i throwing away my dream person based on the wrong perception ... ?   

• Another aspect that might help someone else : throughout my 7 months with her, she has crossed Boundries with me and I have removed myself immediately. She always blamed another reason for her rage / behavior / never took responsibility BUT she would say she was sorry AND she would actively go out and get help, for example go to ALANON, or see a therapist. She was extremely involved in reading about spirituality, the self, identity, psychology etc. And then she would say I'm all fixed I figured it out. So on the one hand she would do some extreme things, suicide threat, rage late night on phone, but then eventually appear all better. So she was proactive about it.

• We eventually got to a point where she accepted that I didn't trust her anymore, after her suicide threats, and going to my ex's home, but we could talk about it. she wanted to talk through it, see if we can come to an understanding. Her perception vs. my perception, very caring, very honest?, open ... .and then eventually she would say, "i figured out now why this bothers you, and then she would be ok... .it was a process of communication that at best led to an understanding to her, why i reacted the way i did ... .once she understood in her own way ... it seemed she would accept that not only her perception but my perception was valid ... .amazing to watch this happen ... .gave me so much hope ... .

• We decided to / well ... I decided I couldn't be in a relationship with her ... .she refused to accept this ... .she was very very very obsessed about us being in a relationship ... .but eventually she said she could let me go ... .instead of meeting for a few minutes for the last time ... we spent the night together, she wanted me to spend the night, we spent hours crying and talking, we spent the night trying to get close as close as we could get, it wasn't about pleasure it was about closeness... .but during our time as she was showing me pictures on her phone someone from tinder texted her ... .i just want to say that, she blamed me for her going onto tinder, that b/c i told her to move on, she did, even though it was difficult, she said she asked her friends what dating sites are good, and they said tinder, but i told her that she had been on tinder when we met, that she knew about tinder, i had no right to impose b/c of our impending break up ... .i just observed how she blamed me for her doing it ... .it felt weird ... .just immediately she blamed me ...

• i honestly don't know if she is BPD ? i do know she threatened suicide a bunch of times to black mail me ... i do know she threatened to expose our relationship to my ex to threaten me. she was absolutely obsessive/stalker in the beginning with me ... .

• it's almost like she does not realize what she is doing, and eventually when we can reach a conversation that she sees her behavior she stops that behavior, so bad ___ happens, but then good comes forward,

• the problem is, i have been really good at setting boundries and unfortunately i haven't gotten to live with her / be her true boyfriend because i don't trust her ... .at same time she has come out of a lot of emotional roller coaster and she is really solid now ... .the fact that she let me go ... in the way she did ... it was beautiful, mature, painful, but from my point of view, not black and white ... .she wants to someday come back together when we trust more,

• this is so difficult b/c it's so confusing. i mean i would NEVER deal with someone who threatens suicide for control ! EVER ... right ... and here I am searching for anything that can explain it away so I can go run into her arms ... BUT that seems like a terrible idea rationally ...

• being with her has literally put me on the floor ... i actually started cutting myself ... just to see what it was all about ... and you know what I get it now ... .it was an experiment but that is how much pain i'm in ... .I used every ounce of every cell to not fall into her arms ... .to fight off the relentless emotions of how beautiful this person and relationship could be ... i almost think ___ it ... .maybe i get a year ... and take a risk ? do i take a risk? for the dream?

• if you are out there wondering about all this, i'd like to share with you, it is dangerous to have someone who can reveal how completely empty you are inside, seriously, let a psychologist explain why, but it's not just physical pain ... .it's the darkest demons that you didn't even know you had overtaking your entire self... just be careful ... .maybe don't test fate ... .

• i just don't know what to do ... .if she is not BPD then she is a dream come true ... is she is BPD ... .then it's no good ... .i look at concrete aspects to her and her life ... and well it hurts to say that a lot of her life are kinda tragic, kid is totally hurt with drug and alcohol addiction, her ex is alcoholic, she's a wild one, impulsive for sure/

• just don't know what to do?
Logged
Bpdruinmylife

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 14


« Reply #5 on: June 16, 2016, 02:00:27 PM »

Hi DotinOz,

Thank you for your reply   . I wish this place had something where people could talk on phone with each other or something. I think if I was living with a lot of the bad traits she exhibits for too long, i'd fall into substance abuse or something ... .wish you luck and sending you strength
Logged
Bpdruinmylife

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 14


« Reply #6 on: June 16, 2016, 02:17:43 PM »

• another characteristic is she is bi-sexual. that seems to be another potential clue ?

• so confusing ...
Logged
DotinOz

*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 23


« Reply #7 on: June 20, 2016, 04:23:07 AM »

Hi   

If you need to vent you can always inbox me or any of us. Im sure no one would mind. We are here to help one another.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!