Just feeling down, needing a virtual hug.

[ennie]

I am just in sort of a down place right now.  As many of you know, this past couple of years has been a lot better with the kids.  Not always, but often.  BPD mom has been acting more and more crazy, and for the first time in years totally exploded at me a few weeks ago.  Both SD12 and SD16 have been  really close to me, confiding often about challenges with mom and leaning on me for support.  But with mom exploding at me, they both have become less close, and much more likely to completely blame me over minor challenges.  Today, SD16 wanted candy, and I got her about half the amount she wanted.  She threw a total fit, which resulted in me keeping the candy.  She has now been pouting for about 2 hours.  She told me that if she was being mean, I would be on the floor, she would decimate me with meanness.  That is just heavy for me, as she has been really loving and close even through conflict over the past year. 

I am sure it will blow over, and I handled it well, but I am just sad that so much of my life is overshadowed by difficult people.  I feel angry that one fit by BPD mom sends the kids into a loyalty bind STILL, and that they go from being fun and loving friends/kids to being super difficult and mean.  And for me, these are the people I spend most of my time with and their meanness has a profound impact on my life and happiness.  I have gained a lot of weight in the past few years, and I think my happiness and ability for me to just be happy has been really compromised. 

I feel like I am still emotionally resilient, but it takes time for me to be alone and just rest after a particularly painful episode, and then I am right back to the business of life.  I spend so much time figuring out how to handle the feelings I have about being treated badly that I feel like I have missed out on something critical about this time of life. 

I have gained a lot of skills at dealing with abusive people, and loving myself, and have really helped my DH and the kids, but I feel like I am a much less happy person. Today, I am just feeling sad about that change I perceive in myself.

[Turkish]

After coming such a long way,  it's sad that they still act this way.  You also may be hesitant to be more firm given the risk of false allegations. 

What's the plan when D16 turns 18? Will she no longer be staying with you when she's an adult?  Can you make it? 

[Lifewriter16]

Hi ennie.

Families can be difficult at the best of times. Where personality disorders are involved, it's head-banging stuff. Sorry to hear that you feel your life circumstances have had such a negative effect upon you.

Here's that virtual hug you asked for.

       

Love Lifewriter

[ambivalentmom]

   

When my D13 acts out as a teen, she is annoyed and ashamed by me more than anything.  She likes to correct me and argue for things that have no need for arguements.  Normal teen stuff.

When my D13 acts out in anger because of her uBPD dad, she is very aggresive/accusing toward me.  It's hard, but I have to remember that she is directing his anger towards me.  This keeps her safe from receiving his anger.

Are you able to open up to D16 about mom exploding at you?  Maybe start with overgeneralizing about how you are hurt when someone disrespects you and you have to remind yourself that their anger is not your problem, it only reflects the person showing anger.  Then maybe talk about how you felt disrespected and hurt when biomom blew up on you.  You also probably felt that D16 was being hurt and disrespected by witnessing it.  It creates unspoken tension and D16 probably has a harder time with biomom unless D16 is angry with you.  You can even tell D16 that her reaction of anger shifting (or whatever it's called) is understandable and common for the situation.

I think it's great that they were opening up, this might be a good chance for you to open up to them (age/knowledge of BPD appropriately).  Opening up to them will be a good way to model healthy behavior.  Either way, here's some more hugs.

   

[livednlearned]

I'm sorry Ennie. You have carried those girls a long way, and can see the fruits of your work. Is that maybe tugging you toward feeling burned out? Knowing that there are real outcomes when you give your all? Maybe it's time to give less and let them recognize what is missing?

Boundaries do shift.

Maybe it's time for the boundaries to tighten around Ennie, and to let the girls feel the shift.

When D19 came to live with us, I had to pour a lot more effort into enforcing boundaries. She grew up with a mom who has BPD traits and lots of things that seemed minor I can now see are big issues, so I've been retooling the whole boundary map. It has been unsettling for everyone, and a surprise to me that the onramp plan did not work when we were all actually in place.

With BPD mom's dynamic changing, and the girls reacting, is it time to retool?

[bravhart1]

Ennie,

I understand how you feel,as your words mirror my sentiments very closely. I've been put through the the wringer with a BPDop in my life and it's hard to stay level with it sometimes.

I feel like I'm MUCH less happy than I was before this toxin entered my life. But I'm taking ownership of my happiness. I know I was put in this child's life for a reason. And best I can hope is that there's a reason she was also put in mine, though that's a little harder to riddle out for what.

I'm fatter, depressed and less wealthy, but at least we don't live in a society that focuses on being thin and rich   

We are here, we feel you. It make take a little longer to see why things like this happen. But I'm learning to accept things as they are and not try to focus on why others are the way they are.

There is an art to selfish that we would all be wise to master. Until then, here's your hug

[Thunderstruck]

 

I'm sorry ennie. I know these blow ups are really hard on you. It seems you really take them to heart.

Step parents in general get dumped on, it's a thankless job. BPD parents just make it much, much more difficult. It feels like you have to parent the BPDparent too!

I try really hard to push through day by day, but sometimes I want to have a hissy fit and stomp my feet and scream "It's not fair!". 

SD16 acted childishly about the candy. My SD11 would have for sure acted that way. But by 16... .she is old enough to get a job and buy her own candy!    Don't take it too personally. It'll ebb and flow. Very soon SD16 will be an adult and you'll have to let go and let her figure out how to deal with BPDmom on her own terms.

[ennie]

Ennie,

I understand how you feel,as your words mirror my sentiments very closely. I've been put through the the wringer with a BPDop in my life and it's hard to stay level with it sometimes.

I feel like I'm MUCH less happy than I was before this toxin entered my life. But I'm taking ownership of my happiness. I know I was put in this child's life for a reason. And best I can hope is that there's a reason she was also put in mine, though that's a little harder to riddle out for what.

I'm fatter, depressed and less wealthy, but at least we don't live in a society that focuses on being thin and rich   

We are here, we feel you. It make take a little longer to see why things like this happen. But I'm learning to accept things as they are and not try to focus on why others are the way they are.

There is an art to selfish that we would all be wise to master. Until then, here's your hug

thanks much. I do feel more,aware I am responsible for my happiness,  but also that I am not sure what I am willing to do to secure it. I am making tradeoffs, just not sure what is next.

[livednlearned]

I am making tradeoffs, just not sure what is next.

Where is your H in all of this?

Do you feel you are the one bringing up the skill levels in the home because you are the one who is stronger in this area?