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Author Topic: How to gently request we stick to the subject of my son...  (Read 457 times)
JerryRG
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: June 14, 2016, 10:51:22 PM »

Sponsor told me today to tell my exgf to basically go fly a kite, "You're not a part of my life anymore!"

How do I tell my son's mother to STOP telling me her life story each and every time we text about my son?

So irritating she somehow believes I'm interested in her "crazy" life.

I don't like being mean but I cannot think of a way to say it without triggering her.

I don't care! I don't care! I don't care!

We are NOT friends

We never were friends

I don't want to be friends in the future... .

Go suck a rotten egg?

Lol, oh what a pain in the behind, bounderies, bounderies, bounderies... .
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thisagain
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« Reply #1 on: June 14, 2016, 11:25:05 PM »

Hmm. This is a very frustrating situation because, as I'm sure you learned during your relationship, it's pretty close to impossible to actually get a pwBPD to stop doing something by telling them to stop. Or she might stop texting you about her personal life, but start making drama over how you don't care about her etc 

How do you respond when she starts texting you about her personal life? My ex would not like this analogy at all, but this reminds me of when I used to train dogs for competition... .Sometimes a dog does something annoying because we've accidentally reinforced that behavior (e.g., we fed the dog when he woke us up at 5 am so now he's waking us up early every day). Other times, the annoying behavior is self-reinforcing for the dog. Meaning, the dog will dig holes or chase squirrels because doing those things is fun for dogs, regardless of how we react.

Do you think sending you these texts is self-reinforcing for her, or is she trying to get a particular reaction from you? And if so, do you give her that reaction at least occasionally?  Even if you ignore 9 times out of 10, the tenth time can be enough fuel to keep her going for quite a while.
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JerryRG
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« Reply #2 on: June 15, 2016, 08:27:02 AM »

Hello thisagain

Thank you for your response

Yes I have acknowledged some of her plees for attention. Like you said if even only 1 out of 10 she still believes I will respond in the future.

I will text her today and explain I'm no longer interested in her problems. Yesterday I got "she's sick" and she's taking classes when all she need say is I'm going to be busy on this day, these times. She told me a few weeks ago that I "was" her best friend and she missed that, she told her mother the same thing.

Again, she is a liar, manipulator, mean, selfish and cruel. These are not friend qualities. And I don't want or need someone like that I'm my life.
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thisagain
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« Reply #3 on: June 16, 2016, 09:16:08 PM »

And it's completely normal and valid for you to not want to be her friend! The tricky part is whether to communicate that to her or just try to change your reaction. How did it go when you texted her?
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JerryRG
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« Reply #4 on: June 16, 2016, 09:23:49 PM »

Not well, she went defensive then offensive and even pretended to defend me so I would appreciate her efforts. It was a very wide range of emotional responses. I do regret pushing her to accept my bounderies, she just won't let go.

She seems to be seeking my approval and the attention thing is easy to understand because that is obveous.

It just upsets me that she brags how happy she is yet cannot give me the simple respect of allowing me privacy. Yesterday she was talking about me finding someone and one day getting married. Very strange to see through, I've noticed that when I'm around her I basically shut down because the things she does and say only come to my consiousness later on. I rarely spontaneously respond to her comments during the conversation. Like autopilot until I'm away then get the AH HA moment.

Maybe she cannot control herself?
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thisagain
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« Reply #5 on: June 17, 2016, 01:04:52 PM »

She can't control herself, and I understand why this is so unsettling for you. During the relationship everything is a blur most of the time, but now you're seeing clearly how out of control and irrational she is. And that's really tough to see.

Boundaries are not about getting another person to act in the way you want them to -- they're about how YOU can respond in a way that keeps their out-of-control behavior from hurting you. Whether she says things like that to you is not something you have the power to change. But you can change your reaction. Do you think you could ignore or delete this kind of text message? Does she also do this during in-person or phone conversations?
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JerryRG
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« Reply #6 on: June 17, 2016, 01:29:36 PM »

Yes she brings up her health issues and her bf and my friends and family almost every single conversation whether text or in person. I believe she's bating me for a reaction because she knows I'm not interested but insists on being innapprotpiate. She has flirted in the resent past even comparing how good I look compared to her skinny bf. She does not like being with guys thinner than her because it makes her look fat? That's love.

She even told me she was sleeping alone one morning I dropped my son off, tmi.

She told me her bf worries when she's around me? I think he's jealous but still why tell me?

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Turkish
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« Reply #7 on: June 18, 2016, 01:47:48 AM »

Yes she brings up her health issues and her bf and my friends and family almost every single conversation whether text or in person. I believe she's bating me for a reaction because she knows I'm not interested

She's baiting you for a reaction, period.  This isn't about you,  but her.  Boundaries are indeed about how we respond. After a counseling intake season today for D4, I sensed that my ex wanted a hug.  She brought our daughter,  but I was taking her to watch the rest of the day. It was a pause after saying goodbye,  and an almost imperceptible movement towards me.  She has a husband,  that's his job no matter how much she's been messing that up,  having had problems since probably August in their marriage.  Still,  not my job to be her rock.  She left me.  Boundary.

I know it's a lot fresher for you,  but I've also reached a point where the information she volunteers gives me data in order to understand the kids' behaviors as well. 
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    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
david
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« Reply #8 on: June 18, 2016, 08:54:20 PM »

My ex ran away in 2007. I went to email only communication. I used to get emails that would print out to 3 or 4 pages. They would attack me, tell me how she moved on, how great she is doing, blah, blah , blah,,,. I learned that if there is something in there that pertains to our boys I would respond to that one thing and ignore the rest. It took ex a year or two to reduce her emails but they did get smaller. Occasionally I still get a lengthy email but the frequency is much less.

If I suggested something to my ex she would probably do the opposite. I have gotten much better at not reacting and it honestly doesn't phase me anymore. I expect it and she doesn't disappoint.

If there is something in an email that really doesn't need a response, even if it pertains to our boys, I ignore it completely.
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scraps66
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« Reply #9 on: June 20, 2016, 10:33:16 AM »

Ignore.  Think this is really the only surefire thing that can be done.
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JerryRG
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« Reply #10 on: June 20, 2016, 10:59:50 AM »

Thanks everyone for your help.

Yes, ignore the nonsense.

Still reminds me of talking to my dad when he was drunk, waste of time because he wasn't in his right mind and even if he said something that made sense, he wouldn't remember it when he sobered up anyway.

Just wasting time trying to decipher my son's mother's spew.
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