I'm at a loss

[whoareyou?]

Hi there, i'm new to posting, but have been reading other people's posts trying to familiarise myself with the site. I was referred to the site by my therapist to help me understand my husband, whom my therapists suspects of BPD or more likely narcissistic personality disorder.

We have been together for 18 years, married for 16. I've always known that he (dh) has had control issues, and emotional immaturity, but since having our daughter some years ago, it's gotten so much worse. Just about every single thing out of his mouth when he addresses me is a put down or criticism. He stops me seeing my friends and family saying that until I have done XYZ I can't go, but when I do XYZ, he then says I have to do something else before I can go. Long story short, I never am allowed to go, he's always got something I should be doing instead.

He says I'm lazy, stupid, unorganised and generally worthless. He uses some pretty foul language, even in front of our child. I've come to hate spending time with him (especially in the car where there's no where to run to) because he starts criticising so much it just escalates and escalates until he's yelling and calling me names. When this happens I'm normally in tears fairly quickly, and don't respond because I've learnt that nothing I say will stop him, I'll never have the right answer.

What hurts me the most is that he belittles me to our child, telling her she doesn't have to listen to me because I'm too stupid. If I have asked her to do something (basic manners etc), he'll tell her not to worry about what I say, I'm just an idiot. It's gotten to the point where when I ask her to do something, she says "I don't have to listen to you, only Daddy". Or if I've said no, she'll go straight past me and ask Daddy who always gives her exactly what she wants, even if it's what he's told me not to do with her.

Lately, when he starts criticising, our daughter jumps in with her comments along the same lines. Or she'll tell him I've done something or rather that she knows irritates him in order to get me into trouble. It frightens me that she is learning how to abuse people from her father.

Our daughter is also starting to get picked on at school, and she doesn't stand up for herself. I feel it's a direct result of her seeing what her father does to me. She's seen what happens when I attempt to stand up for myself... .so she doesn't do it. Yet my husband is baffled by this behaviour in her... .he doesn't see a link at all.

The worst thing he does is uses our daughter to threaten me. He's always saying that if I don't do as I'm told, the way I'm told, when I'm told, that he will make me leave and won't let me take our daughter. Every time we have a fight he dangles her over my head like a trophy, knowing full well that I would rather die than be without her.

He has no empathy at all, he see's people only for what use they are to him. I swear he doesn't know how to actually feel anything. He doesn't understand that his words hurt just as much as if he'd used his fists. He's able to completely write people off when they are of no more use to him. He did this with his whole family, even his first child from another relationship. It got too hard so he just stopped seeing her and if I find out something about this child and tell him, he says "who cares? she may as well be a stranger". I can't understand it. Everyone is just a tool to him.

He thinks he knows better than everyone else. I've been quite sick lately and he thinks I'm doing it to myself, and when the doctors say differently, he says they don't know what they're talking about! In his eyes he's the smartest person in the universe and why doesn't everyone agree?

I guess I just don't understand why it's all happened. He blames me for everything and really makes me feel at times that everyone would be better off without me. He's had me at near suicide so many times I can't count. Even now... .if I thought I'd be successful, i'd do it. I feel that low and alone. Everyone else see's the front he puts on... .happy, clever, great to be around. They don't see how vindictive he can be, how nasty and manipulative.

I guess I just want to know I'm not crazy, or alone.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY whoareyou?   

Welcome to BPD Family!

You can use a big hug

I'm so very sorry about your situation!  Good to see that you have a therapist.  Has your husband ever had therapy?

         

He thinks he knows better than everyone else. I've been quite sick lately and he thinks I'm doing it to myself, and when the doctors say differently, he says they don't know what they're talking about! In his eyes he's the smartest person in the universe and why doesn't everyone agree?

Stress can certainly make us vulnerable to many health issues.

I guess I just don't understand why it's all happened. He blames me for everything and really makes me feel at times that everyone would be better off without me. He's had me at near suicide so many times I can't count. Even now... .if I thought I'd be successful, i'd do it. I feel that low and alone. Everyone else see's the front he puts on... .happy, clever, great to be around. They don't see how vindictive he can be, how nasty and manipulative

Do you have someone to reach out to when you think of suicide?  You love your daughter a lot and she needs you.  That is a big reason to live.  We are glad that you reached out and posted.  It can really help to interact with people who share some of your problems.

My sister is uBPD.  She is respected in her church community.  Little do they know what she is capable of.  From what I understand, the disordered individuals in our life save up their frustrations and dump them where they feel most comfortable.

I find it helpful to read posts.  It can be comforting to find you aren't alone and that many people have similar experiences.

There is a lot of good information on this Website that you should find helpful. You can  go to "The Learning Center" area on the board (find the main index page or use the navigation drop-down at the bottom of this page).  The link below might be a good place to start:

DEALING WITH NARCISSISTS

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=120342.0

[waverider]

Sounds more sociopath than narcissistic.

It must be really hard for you. Bottom line here is your boundaries are weak and you are falling for the "he wont let me" mindset. What if you decide "you wont let him"? Why does it work for him and not you.

A dominant partner can only be dominant as long as a submissive partner lets them. Therefore the submissive makes the choice, and hence holds the power. The key to this is learning how to exercise this power. Dominants maintain power by usually convincing the submissive they have non. Ultimately this is bluster. Everyone has choices.

[BestVersionOfMe]

Sounds more sociopath than narcissistic.

It must be really hard for you. Bottom line here is your boundaries are weak and you are falling for the "he wont let me" mindset. What if you decide "you wont let him"? Why does it work for him and not you.

A dominant partner can only be dominant as long as a submissive partner lets them. Therefore the submissive makes the choice, and hence holds the power. The key to this is learning how to exercise this power. Dominants maintain power by usually convincing the submissive they have non. Ultimately this is bluster. Everyone has choices.

It appears your boundaries are very weak if you cry when he criticizes you.  I'm taking a stand and so should you, as in my experiences emotionally bullies continue to bully only until their victim pushes back and then they are quite passive themselves.  I am here trying to learn how to not be afraid to stand up to my wife.  Fear is just a thought in our minds, it can't hurt us. 

[waverider]

  I'm taking a stand and so should you, as in my experiences emotionally bullies continue to bully only until their victim pushes back and then they are quite passive themselves.  I am here trying to learn how to not be afraid to stand up to my wife.  Fear is just a thought in our minds, it can't hurt us. 

There are right ways and wrong ways to do this. Be careful you dont try throwing stones at an avalanche, you just end up adding weight to it. 

There are many resources here to help you with this.