Revelations regarding Alienation

[Stolen]

I've posted prior about my daughters being alienated from me - 10 hours of contact in 4 years, etc.  Hands down the most painful experience of my life, with no glimmer of hope at this point.

Throughout these years, and the 3-4 leading up to the "split", I looked on, bewildered, as my children seemed to join xW in what Childress calls a "cross generational coalition".  I found myself in a war that I did not want, or even understand.  And as it progressed, I often thought of my daughters: "how could they?"   How could they reject their Father, with no rational cause? Their Father who loved them so, who supported them so, who knew to himself that he lived for them?  "How could they?"

Well - now I get it.  I have read Gardner's "Independent Thinker" theory, and that is just so true.  Seems it happened to me too.  And I am not an impressionable teenage girl,  not some one who can be manipulated against my true wishes. I am mature, educated, smart, etc.

But it happened to me also.

My mother died last week.  I had been quite distant from her for several years, but had been close for the last year and a half, after her initial health crisis.  We had so much time to talk.  During this time I also reconnected with cousins who I had not seen or spoken with in many years.  Distance that now seems without any rationale - getting to the light bulb moment.

My cousin and his family were here at the funeral. So good to see them again.  Many happy memories came back, the stories flowed. Why had I lost touch, why did I not care?

My own mother. My only brother. Cousins who I had grown up with. All had been pushed away.  And I never consciously thought it was due to an outside agency - no, it was my choice.  Based on my "reasons".  But now, I can't think of a single reason why this happened, even though I would have sworn it was my free will. 

And now I see it.  I understand what drives my children.  The pathological drive of a pwBPD to control, to isolate.  My kids are suffering it now, but I was first.  And I never knew it.  Never.

And I understand why it will be so hard to "fix" this.  Realizing what you have done, causing pain to others by you choices to reject them, that hurts, and it is a new level of hurt that I am experiencing.  I am so glad I was able to tell my mother that I was sorry. So sorry.  And happy to reconnect with long lost others.   And while I still don't know how to reach my children, I am now able to avoid blaming them for their rejection.  Since I did exactly the same thing... .

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY STOLEN:

So sorry for the loss of your mom. Glad you had some time to reconcile with her and seem to have found some peace. May you hold onto that peace in the months ahead.  Both my parents recently passed.  The emotions can come and go.

Hope things will change in a favorable way with your children.

Best wishes,

[Sluggo]

And now I see it.  I understand what drives my children.  The pathological drive of a pwBPD to control, to isolate.  My kids are suffering it now, but I was first.  And I never knew it.  Never.

Stolen,

Wow that is so awful when you count time in hours that you see your children.  I am sorry to hear that you are going through all this. 

You are right though- exactly how I feel- I did the exact thing to my family of origen as my children are doing to me (3 oldest).  That is what keeps me grounded.  Meaning, if I could do that to my family as an adult how much easier is it for a 16, 15, and 12 year old.  In the back of my mind though, I always knew that my family of origen would accept me back in. 

However, my greatest disappointment in myself or better said my a-ha moment I had been living not authentically- was when my father who was in hospice just 3 miles from my house.  My wife said I was not to visit him at all (only if she went with me) and not take any calls from the nurses about him.  I chose to do that thinking I was proving my love and loyalty to her.  My Dad passed away in December and I only saw him twice while in hospice.  My own father.  What opened my eyes was that my wife was just as mad when he died as when he was alive. 

So if I could do that to my Dad as an adult how much easier a child who still depends on their mother.  You mentioned Childress which I was introduced a few weeks ago on this board-which has been great.  I also ran across www.ryanthomasspeaks.com/home/ .  You may have also seen him on you tube.  He is an adult child of parental alienation giving hope to parents in our situation.  He talks about the way he felt as a child until he was 25 yrs old.  Hearing him gives me hope albeit missing the youth of my children. 

You are not alone.  Reading your post I know that I am not alone.   

[whirlpoollife]

You are not alone , Stolen ,in those thoughts . People tell me that one day my kids will see , and I say back , that is going to be a long time.  It took me along time , as an adult and as a spouse ,  to see the isolation ( and control)  my xh had on me.   Pathological like you said, and covertly  done.    Imagine what it is for kids with with a parent like this vs a spouse.  They don't have the knowledge of PDs. And it's not like they spend one on one time with other parents of like to see the difference.
I left him, but my kids aren't ever going to 'leave'  their dad.  
( and years back, my dad was dying , across the miles, and I wanted to be there ... .)

Sorry for the extreme on the PA of your daughters.  

Sluggo , thanks for info on the utube video.