Controlling Our Environment

[townhouse]

I can't believe I am back here writing about my UnBPDh but here I am.

Nothing really drastic is happening like last year but just need to communicate with likeminded Nons for a little while.



My husband has stayed relatively  un dysregulated for about 7 months now. He no longer drinks alcohol at all and has finished courses in Alcohol Counselling and Behavioural Change We have had some of the happiest and peaceful times that we have ever had and when they are good, as we all know, they are wonderful to be with.

However, just this week he has shown a little of the old behaviour that goes beyond his eccentric ways.

For some mad reason I forgot the unspoken rule that I don't touch the fire and I took it upon myself to open our wood burning heater to put in another log and he irrationally screamed at me about 'Your letting smoke into the room, look, look'' This I ignored as irrational as he of course , does the same thing all the time. Then another night at dinner as I was pouring another ladle of sauce onto my plate I asked him would he like some more, he said 'No' and I mistakenly said 'are you sure, it's good' again I was screamed at 'I told you I don't want any' I mean really loud and out of control.

He controls our home environment of heating, cooling, opening of windows,  the playing of music and how loud it is. It is just not worth me opening a window as it won't suit him. He will often close a door I have opened just by a few inches to suit himself. This almost sounds funny and mostly I don't mind this behaviour as he does a good job of these things and what suits him usually suits me as well.

Anyway, he put too many logs on the fire and they rolled forward and fell out on the floor with coals and sparks going everywhere... .somehow this was my fault and he started yelling at me 'you wanted a fire , you are always making trouble' I snapped back 'No I'm not, I try to not make trouble'. ... .which is true I try to validate, anticipate and ward off potential problems. Being human, I make mistakes.

Finally, today he arranged to see his brother for lunch in a nearby town ... .a very rare occurrence as H rarely leaves the house and basically doesn't communicate with anyone except me.  His brother has OCD and we both kind of knew his brother would be late as he must go back and check that he has locked the door several times. H waited 10 mins and then said loudly 'I 'm not waiting, you can stay if you want' and ran out leaving me scrambling along behind paying for the coffees we'd had. There is no way I could get home if I had stayed, as we live in a small town with no afternoon bus service. I was upset and said 'can't we just have a plan and stick to it' He said 'I knew we shouldn't have come' (he organised the whole thing with his brother) ST the whole way home.

I'm not sure what's going on for him at the moment that he has turned to his old ways of both yelling at me and not talking... .except of course... .that this is the world of the person with BPD.

I do radically accept that he is the way he is. It is just so frustratingly horrible that at times like these you really see the extent of their complete selfishness and manipulation, lies too.

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[townhouse]

I have read my previous post and can see that I may appear codependent and a bit of a doormat. I don't think I am. I have a full life of my own apart from H. I have many friends and participate in lots of activities both in the community and at home. I also have a small home in the city 4 hours drive from where our home is situated in the country. I visit this city place every month to 6 weeks for about 5-7 days, catch up with those friends and do city activities. H knows he would be welcome to join me, but prefers to stay home in the country. He likes these times apart, as do I. He gets to act like a hermit, not shower, eat very basically and just completely wallow in being alone with his projects.

I suppose I just wish I didnn't have to be yelled at and accused at the whim of his emotional feelings.  I am also afraid that things may really ramp up like they were last year, although it was his excessive drinking then that made the BPD worse.

[Jessica84]

I don't see co-dependency or doormat there. I see someone who may be feeling blindsided by the BPD boomerang effect! Happens to me at least. When things are going well, it can be easy to forget about their disorder and let our guards down. Then bam, it's back, out of nowhere. To them I guess it's never really gone, but to us nons, things seem calm, peaceful and smooth sailing like it's all in the past now. I often forget how quickly these spurts of "good weather" can turn into sudden tornados at any time. God knows what makes the rainclouds swell up in their heads. But it happens. 7 months is a nice long spurt. 

So chances are it's not you. Be kind to yourself. Don't blame or judge yourself for being human. These relationships are not easy. Keep taking care of yourself and continue validating as you have been. Some boundary enforcement may help too. I tend to get rusty during the good times. I might accidentally invalidate or trigger him in some other way. Sometimes it will have nothing to do with me other than I'm a convenient target. That's when we need to amp up on the validation while also using boundaries to protect ourselves.

If you think about it, we can kind of see when a storm is brewing. Yelling about a log on the fire or a spoonful of gravy is at least a raindrop - try to validate before the skies open up. If that doesn't work, take cover. It's good that you have your own life and a place to go to get away from it. Sounds like it is beneficial to you both. Hang in there. Hope things get better soon. 

[foggydew]

Townhouse, I agree with Jessica. I'm beginning to feel that the disorder surfaces in phases, just like other mental disorders, and is not specially under our (or their) control. I think at such times we have to be careful with triggers and most definitely continue our own lives to keep our balance. If a bad phase is coming, you will need this balance - but you also know that it will pass. Your uBPDh sounds very much like my 'friend', even to the long good phases, lack of contact, controlling the environment... wish you all the best!

[DotinOz]

Hi There Townhouse 

Everything you wrote really resonated with me. WOW! My husband is the same way. He has to control every aspect of our lives, from windows, a/c, heat, whether or not I boil water when the air is on, the discipline of the children, to how I water the flowers, to how we clean the house. Like you, I let a lot of it go because it really doesn't bother me that much so I pick my battles. I think a lot of spouses of BP pick their battles for that is the only way to a harmonious environment; as harmonious as our lives can be. If you ever need to talk Townhouse please feel free to inbox me anytime... .I could use a vent buddy :D

Dot in Oz

[townhouse]

Hello Jessica, Foggydew and Dotinoz... .sorry I didn't get back here sooner but I chose to go away for a few days. Thanks for your kind words leading me to remember basically that this time of mild dysreg will also pass and the more things change the more they stay the same. I do tend to forget this when things are going well.

Dotinoz it seems we both know when to pick our battles. Sometimes it just gets to me. Probably like me you have learnt to ask 'Is it OK if we eat early' ' Do you mind if we put the television on now as I want to watch whatever' These ways of subtly not looking for trouble have become second nature to me and I actually realise now later on in life that my Mum must have been BPD as this way of being is something I have always done. It's not just being polite it is trying to not make any waves that will turn into a storm. ( I like your metaphors Jessica.)

Things here are not back to 'happiness ' but at least he is talking in a distant sort of way. I miss the closeness we had for a while but am content to wait till the next 'happy' time as long as there is no shouting or ST.

[Jessica84]

Townhouse- the closeness may return in time. I'm glad you got a chance to get away. Hope it helped ground you. Time apart can help us balance ourselves so we are at peace again - makes it easier to validate them when we are solid.

I think we have to be careful not to get resentful at all the little sacrifices we make in our efforts to keep the peace. Too much of this can really lead to resentment. Like you, I don't mind doing things his way... .most of the time. But I do have to be mindful not to overlook every little thing... .because its the little things that add up. If I'm not careful, I'll give and give until I've got nothing left to give. Nothing good will come of that, for either of us. I know that's a boundary issue for me, but it happens so subtly over time I barely notice it at first. After all, it's easier to eat pizza even when I want a burger. Easier to put on a sweater than to make him mad by raising the thermostat a few degrees... .Little things.

I often don't notice until I've had enough. Even though it's my fault for giving in too much, I catch myself making snarky comments and invalidating him. Not good. So now I sort of check myself from time to time. If I've gone soft on my boundaries I try to firm them up. That way it's on me, not him, and my anger and resentfulness towards him fades quickly.

I agree we have to choose our battles. Some things aren't worth it. But if we give in to all the little things - all the time - it's a slippery slope. We can't constantly neglect our own needs for the sake of theirs without an eventual fallout. Better to use boundaries consistently, even if it causes minor friction at times, than to keep the peace until we're so resentful, there's no peace at all.

[waverider]

Maybe the changes he made were make him feeling like he was complying to the wishes of others rather than his own instincts. This can create a feeling of no longer having control. This could be showing by trying to reassert, and overcompensate, it on everyday issues over which he views as his area of control.

Think of it of retreating to his fortress and going on defensive alert. Maybe it is "the outside world" that is the threat creating this insecurity.?

[foggydew]

No longer in control... .I think that is the key to many disregulations. In a different country on holiday, or even just in a different environment - these have been big problems. Any mistakes I made (and I'm a bit of a bumbler sometimes) made me into a threat to his security. Shopping is something to be done quickly, no dawdling. Going out for a meal is something unpleasant. My driving is a big concern and I need to be told when to change gear, etc.

If you see the absolute fear behind this, it is no wonder that they disregulate. It must be exhausting to cope with the fear AND try not to let others see you are afraid. After our 'holidays' it has always taken a long time to get back to emotional intimacy... on my side too. I think boundaries can give a feeling of security. Boundaries are on two sides though... maybe what we see as being very careful is just trying to respect boundaries we don't know about. As Townhouse said... she broke 'the unwritten rule' ... .ah, it is so difficult. Like trying to communicate in a language which is foreign to both.

[townhouse]

And we're back.
I thought I would check in here to let you know that the latest mild disregard is pretty much over. It lasted nearly a month.

Things were very basic between us, just ordinary question and answer communication about domestics. I had to go to the city last Thurs and as I left I said that I hoped we could be more affectionate towards each other when I returned. He didn't say anything at that time. As the days went by I text him a couple of times and noticed his reply sign off was his old 'loves ya' which made me hopeful.

I came back yesterday and he has returned to his old good tempered, friendly and affectionate self in his interactions with me. He still controls most things but I can cope with this and still manage to live my own way.

I guess I'll never know why he turned against me this last time but it shows that the cycle continues.