Relationship Partner with traits of BPD

[Me57]

I feel I am in the fast cycle spin of a washing machine.

I have resumed a relationship with a former boyfriend after three years. He lives in another state so we have been commenting to see each other. The first 4 months were amazing.He started talking about expectations, he was making all sorts of plans for us when I simply said lets live in this moment and see where we go. A month down and he was under a lot of stress with work, his children. Then came an abusive behaviour via a phone call, after I told him do not ever speak like that to me ever again. All good, then came an abusive text then came the silent treatment. Then a text he needed space. I responded a few days later and told him he can have all the space he needed but to look into personality disorder and get some help. He responded he is not well and does love me but does t love himself and is getting help. I have been reading, have turned in on myself come out of that stage and now believe I need to break this cycle in me, putting him before me , playing a care taker. I am unsure of what it is I need to do to stat and support and how do I do this? Or is it get away from him as I did before. I am starting to understand some of this but can't get my head around it. He hadn't been diagnosed but he certainly has all the traits.i need some advice... do I seek therapy ?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ArleighBurke]

What do YOU want? Do you want to stay with him?

What brought you back together? What broke you up the first time?

Living with a BPD is a lot of hard work... .

[waverider]

First step is to not try to fix him, you can listen to what he has to say, but to avoid caretaking we must avoid trying to provide solutions.

Asking questions, not about issues, but what he is actually feeling. Try to seperate feelings from thoughts. Thoughts are often a vehicle for expressing feelings.

eg feeling sad=feeling . You make me feel sad, its your fault =thought

Thoughts often seek to lay blame, particularly with pwBPD. It can actually distract you from the feeling.

My wifes therapist often says which came first the thought or the feeling? eg did you think about something that caused sadness, or did you feel sadness and so you thought about something and blamed that.