She has BPD and has suddenly vanished

[Redrose123]

I wasn't really sure of where else to go. I came across this website and figured- why not?

So I met this girl about 4 weeks ago.

She told me all these wonderful things, made me feel on top of the world. We were very loving towards eachother and everything seemed too perfect to be true.

After 2 weeks, she told me she has BPD. I assured her I would go no where and am willing to work through rough patches we may have. I myself struggle with depression and anxiety disorder, so I understand what it's like living with mental illness (although BPD is VERY hard to understand)

2 weeks later, she started becoming distant. Answering my texts hours later, no longer being flirty and cute with me. Then a few days ago, she just stopped. Stopped telling me about her day, stopped trying to make me laugh, no longer asked to talk on the phone at night or stay awake with me.

I remember her telling me "sometimes I'm very clingy and sometimes it's hard to reach out to me because I dissociate myself" -- so in a way, I guess I should've seen this coming?

I know they fear abandonment. I know she's terrified of me and what will happen. But I don't know how to handle this?

I tried texting her stories about my day, or trying to make her smile and she either answers very short or doesn't answer at all. After two days of not talking, she was snapchatting me randomly throughout the day- but still wouldn't even text me. Was this to just get my attention? Was this her way of showing me she doesn't "need" me? I messaged her and told her how pretty she looked and she didn't even reply back. It's very awkward to deal with.

I don't know if she wants to me reach out or if she feels like she needs space.

I don't know if we're over or if we're just hitting one of those rough patches.

It's been days and I can't stop thinking about her.

She's the first girl I've ever been romantically involved with (I'm a girl as well), so she felt even more special to me and I mistakenly became attached... .

Just hoping to hear some useful advice or some tips.

Do I leave her be? Do I reach out to her again?

Please help. Thanks for your time!

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[C.Stein]

Hello Redrose123, 

It takes courage for you to seek help in understanding the disorder and for your partner to disclose she suffers from BPD. 

It is a very difficult disorder to manage, both as the person who suffers from it as well as the "non" in the relationship.  I understand how hard it is to deal with the push/pull behavior that is typical of a borderline.  It confuses you and leaves you wondering if you are coming or going when it happens.  This is due to engulfment and abandonment fears, typically triggered in close relationships.

Is your partner getting help for her disorder?

What you can do right now is read, read, read.  Educate yourself on what BPD is and what it will take to be in a relationship with someone who suffers from it.  It will not be easy, but by using good communication tools and understanding what can/will trigger your partner it will make the relationship better.

This would be a good place to start to understand the dynamics of being in a relationship with a borderline.

https://bpdfamily.com/portfolio-4-cols

These articles were very helpful for me to understand my ex and what I went through with her.

Should you contact your partner?  This is hard to say.  If she needs space then you should respect that need.  That doesn't necessarily mean disappear from her life though.  If you think you might be doing something that is triggering an engulfment fear it would help if you can pinpoint that.   

Do you think you might have inadvertently did this?  What type of contact with her right now do you feel would be appropriate?