Which personality trait most affected your relationship?

[Skip]

Confused by the amateur personality disorder symptoms list on the Internet with names like "100 Red Flags" and "Top 100 Personality Disorder Traits"?
 
Did you know that there are 17 trillion possible combinations of 10 in a list of 100 items? How meaningful is that?
 
To be useful a list should lead us into a process of gaining insight into the person with whom we are dealing or the relationship we are trying to understand. Things we'd like to know are how to:
 
    interpret their actions and words
    understand inconsistencies or things that don't seem right
    assess the relationship and it prognosis to improve
    gives us clues as to if or how we can help the other person
    improve our skills to communicate with them
 
Otherwise it's just a Miley Cyrus song: the seven things I don't like about you - you're vain, your games, you're insecure, you like her, you made me cry, your friends, they're jerks... .and the seventh thing I hate the most that you do - you make me love you.  Go Miley.
 
Personality Disorder and Personality Models
 
The American Psychiatric Association's DSM 5 manual of mental illness contains a model based on five trait domains which are further defined by 25 sub-elements called facets.
 
These are the indices used to make determinations of personality disorders, measure their severity, gauge the improvement in treatment, etc.
 
Different combinations of the facets are indicative of different disorders such as Borderline Personalty, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Narcissistic Personality, etc.
 
The trait domains conceptually align with all of the prominent personality models such as the five-factor model of personality (The Big Five), the Keirsey temperaments, and Myers–Briggs Type Indicator. For example the Myers–Briggs INTP Personality has been correlated with Schizotypal Personality Disorder and ISTJ Personality has been correlated with to Obsessive-compulsive Personality Disorder.
 
Personality Disorder Trait Domains and Facets
 
The lists below contains descriptions of the conditions or criteria used by experts to identify people who suffer from personality disorders. Would you answer "yes" to two or more of the following? Does the person in your life have a history of emotional instability? Have they always been significantly detached (introverted)? Do they approach relationships with an antagonistic style? Have they always been uninhibited - to levels that have caused them serious problems? Do they have some odd, eccentric, or unusual behaviors and thoughts?
 
The severity of the facets is an important part of the criteria - for a personality disorder, facets need to be significantly above what on might reasonably expect. The occurrence of the facets, over a lifetime is also critical, either appearing consistently from teen years through adulthood, or surfacing periodically over a persons adult life (e.g., common in times of stress). Although a small number of severe, pervasive facets may be enough to qualify as a personality disorder, the number facets can determine the different between a diagnosable personality disorder and someone who is exhibiting tendencies of a personality disorder. For example, with Narcissistic Personality, many people qualify as exhibiting tendencies of a personality disorder, but not the personality disorder.
 
Summary categories bellow - 25 traits detailed here: bpdfamily.com/content/traits-personality-disorder
 
Negative Affectivity vs Emotional Stability
 
Frequent and intense experiences of high levels of a wide range of negative emotions (e.g., anxiety, depression, guilt/ shame, worry, anger) and their behavioral (e.g., self-harm) and interpersonal (e.g., dependency) manifestations.
 
Detachment vs Extraversion
 
Avoidance of socioemotional experience, including both withdrawal from interpersonal interactions (ranging from casual, daily interactions to friendships to intimate relationships) and restricted affective experience and expression, particularly limited hedonic capacity (having fun).
 
Antagonism vs Agreeableness
 
Behaviors that put the individual at odds with other people, including an exaggerated sense of self-importance and a concomitant expectation of special treatment, as well as a callous antipathy toward others, encompassing both an unawareness of others' needs and feelings and a readiness to use others in the service of self-enhancement.
 
Disinhibition vs Conscientiousness
 
Orientation toward immediate gratification, leading to impulsive behavior driven by current thoughts, feelings, and external stimuli, without regard for past learning or consideration of future consequences.
 
Psychoticism vs. Lucidity
 
Exhibiting a wide range of culturally incongruent odd, eccentric, or unusual behaviors and cognitions, including both process (e.g., perception, dissociation) and content (e.g., beliefs).
 
Which of these 5 categories (or the 25 traits) played in your relationship? What one or two (maybe three) things were really off?
 
bpdfamily.com/content/traits-personality-disorder

[Cat Familiar]

First husband: irresponsibility, hostility, risk taking, distractibility.

Second husband: emotional lability, anxiousness, hostility, suspiciousness.

[Icanteven]

Which of these 5 categories (or the 25 traits) played in your relationship? What one or two (maybe three) things were really off?

bpdfamily.com/content/traits-personality-disorder

negative affect, detachment

For me, negative affect and detachment could have been written almost word for word about my wife.  At the end, if she did something as simple as forgetting an item on the grocery list she would burst into tears, and even after going back and getting the item the act of forgetting could upset an entire afternoon.  Additionally, her level of anxiousness and separation anxiety was sky high; it's not until you've been asked a dozen times in a day whether or not you're going to leave your spouse that you realize the depth of her fears.  Perseveration?  I think saying I love you at least fifty times in a two hour span counts, right?  :)etachment?  :)epression? Suspiciousness?  Yes, and to the point that I was talking to her therapist and psychiatrist weekly about why she wasn't responding to medication/therapy.  

I say "almost word for word" because my wife had an uncanny way of sublimating her rage such that I was never the focus of her outbursts.  Now, if you were another family member, or if the outburst could be sublimated to the universe in some way (her basketball team lost a game on the last possession and her reaction was akin to the outburst from our oldest child when said child was four), there was hostility in spades, it just was almost never directed at me.  

One of the things that makes me the most upset with the whole situation is that I was operating from a baseline that these symptoms were attributable to my wife's existing, known, long-standing mental illness (singular) and not something more sinister like a PD.  And, in retrospect, while I appreciate that her therapists and psychiatrist were trying to not just drop bread crumbs but drop the whole loaf of bread in my lap, as a layman, I had no idea  what they were trying to tell me.  Icanteven, your wife needs DBT, wears masks, suicide ideates daily, suffers from crippling fear of abandonment and experiences annihilation fantasies daily, has no clear life goals or interests, is reckless and irresponsible (which I had known and knew), has an anxiety disorder, has a history of intense, unstable relationships prior to you and, of late, with you (which I knew), is unable to experience empathy, has an overwhelming sense of entitlement, is highly suggestible, is fixated almost exclusively on physical beauty, is emotionally labile, and has a constant need for attention, but nope, nosir, that's not a whole mess of Cluster B personality disorders.  Nope.  Nuh uh.  

I don't know that it would have mattered if I had known, but I feel very strongly that we deserved to know the truth so we could decide next steps; not so she could decompensate to the point that we were picking out baby names one day and having her leave us all behind a few days later.

 

[GreenEyedMonster]

I voted for disinhibition.  My relationship was short relative to most on these boards -- it's the aftermath that has created the most problems in my life. 

My ex was very selfish like a little child.  He prided himself on having good morals and values, but had a really hard time considering how his actions might affect other people.  He didn't know how to act like we were a couple.  For example, he would RSVP to go to parties without me even when both of us were invited, would attend events with friends while I was sitting alone and it wouldn't occur to him to invite me, and the last straw was when he planned a vacation without me with a group of other single women.

Both at the time and in hindsight, I chalk this up to haplessness and inexperience in relationships.  However, I found it disturbing that he could be so oblivious to my wants and needs and even existence when I was out of sight.  Most importantly, I wondered how he could enjoy himself so much when I wasn't there and literally not miss me.  When I'm in a relationship, I tend to think that most things are more fun with my partner.  I don't just forget that they're at home alone and I'm out having fun without them.

I was never particularly paranoid about my previous boyfriend cheating, though of course it did occasionally cross my mind, but we were together for 12+ years and it wasn't a major concern for me.  With my exBPD, it was always on my mind because he was so selfish and impulsive.  It was entirely possible, I believed, for him to go on vacation and spend two or three days with another woman and fall for her and nearly forget me.  Before he was in a relationship with me, he got engaged to a girl after talking to her on Facebook messenger for 10 days, having never met her in person!  He agreed to sell his house, move to a different region of the country, quit his job, and parent two special needs kids in that time!  Not exactly the picture of careful consideration.  It was entirely within the realm of possibility that he could meet someone else and leave me on impulse.

Even recently, he got angry and told our mutual friends that he would never hang out with any of them again.  And yes . . . he's having dinner with them all on Saturday evening.  Impulsive.  Difficulty making commitments and sticking to them.  Emotional rather than rational.

That sort of volatility opened wounds from my past, giving me PTSD-like symptoms, and made me severely distrust him.  It was not a pretty picture.

[balletomane]

Interesting question. I think for my ex it was suspiciousness (which falls under both negative affectivity and detachment). He got very suspicious of people very easily and was prone to believe the worst of them, including me. My mentioning that I had to practise the language I'm studying led him to become convinced that I must be cheating on him with some man from that country... .as opposed to the more logical conclusion that I needed to prepare for my next class. He even took the paranoia one step further and demanded to know if anyone from that country had flown over to be with me secretly. In his words, "How do I know that they haven't?" That question threw me at the time, because of course I couldn't prove that no one had, in the same way I can't prove that there isn't a grand piano orbiting the earth somewhere. Following suspiciousness, it was emotional lability. His anger was easily stirred up and well out of proportion to the trigger, and often triggered by irrational things. He was also pretty callous, in that he couldn't see that his behaviour was hurtful and would frequently decide that my feelings were unjustified (for example, when I was clinically depressed, he told me, "All your problems are self-inflicted." Manipulativeness was there too, but the suspiciousness and volatility were the most unbearable things.

[once removed]

i voted for only Negative Affectivity vs Emotional Stability; virtually all of the problems from my perspective in the relationship were summed up in that list, hardly any of the others, and where theres overlap (deceitfulness, for example) i think it can be reasonably explained by the category i voted for. jealousy, suspiciousness, disproportionate/inappropriate anger, suspiciousness of my loved ones, and severe, often depressive clinginess/neediness, were my challenges.

having said that, in my observation, aspects of Antagonism vs Agreeableness and Disinhibition vs Conscientiousness played a big role in her less intimate, more superficial interpersonal relationships (and ive never known her to have much in the way of a close friend) and areas of her life personal and professional. i was very aware of it, but it didnt effect me or the relationship much.

[drained1996]

Mine unfortunately could be characterized in with all of the above.  This is eye opening for me in the sense of how bad it really was in the FOG.  It pains me for her knowing she seems to be on such a high end of the spectrum.  It also pains me to look back and see the mental and emotional abuse I endured on so many fronts.  Certainly not that I didn't/don't have my faults and blame in things... .I wish we had the ability to reach inside their souls and make their pain go away, but we can't.   

[Lilyroze]

This is exactly what I have felt and dealt with Drained. I truly thought mine was physically sick, as he was injured at one point. Was very sick and had to care for etc so thought it was to do with that... .then got worse and worse and worse. Then he got better physically then deregulated completely when I put boundaries, or made him the least responsible etc.

He is now off the wall most of time, and I am now dealing with spying weird off wall things.

[Wize]

In this order:

1. Disinhibition vs Conscientiousness: This one was the most obvious for my pwBPD. She would be impulsive and then she would blame me for her impulsive decision and attempt to remedy the effects by trying to control everything.
2. Antagonism vs Agreeableness: Obviously in the beginning it was mostly agreeableness. Then it was the devaluation and antagonism. She would get frustrated and antagonize and provoke me and her children.
3. Negative Affectivity vs Emotional Stability: She waffled a lot between these two. Severe bouts of depression to the point she could barely function. Mostly this was just her seeking more attention and clinging.
4. Detachment vs Extraversion: She bounced back and forth between these two with ease.  She could detach so easily from anyone... .even the closest people to her.
5. Psychoticism vs. Lucidity: This became more apparent towards the end of our relationship when her stress levels were off the charts

[gotbushels]

Disinhibition vs Conscientiousness
 
Orientation toward immediate gratification, leading to impulsive behavior driven by current thoughts, feelings, and external stimuli, without regard for past learning or consideration of future consequences.

This one jumped out at me based on this description:

"Impulsivity: Acting on the spur of the moment in response to immediate stimuli; acting on a momentary basis without a plan or consideration of outcomes; difficulty establishing and following plans; a sense of urgency and self-harming behavior under emotional distress."

https://bpdfamily.com/content/traits-personality-disorder

[Moselle]

4 months after I married my BPD/NPD ex, my father in law said to me. " You need to watch out for Mrs Moselle's temper" I looked at him quizzically because she had been as meek as a mouse with me, up until that point and very agreeable. I didn't believe him. Of course after a year, she developed a healthy pair of lungs and then over the next 15 years some seriously abusive behaviours - physical, mental and emotional. Whist I can relate to most of the traits described, Antagonism was the most dominant.

Secondarily she had very little impulse control from spending to fraud.

Of course I was playing an enabling role and often made excuses for her, Including having my lawyers successfully defend her in her fraud case on a technicality  In hindsight having her jailed would have solved a lot of heartache for me!

Antagonism vs Agreeableness
 
Behaviors that put the individual at odds with other people, including an exaggerated sense of self-importance and a concomitant expectation of special treatment, as well as a callous antipathy toward others, encompassing both an unawareness of others' needs and feelings and a readiness to use others in the service of self-enhancement.
 
Disinhibition vs Conscientiousness
 
Orientation toward immediate gratification, leading to impulsive behavior driven by current thoughts, feelings, and external stimuli, without regard for past learning or consideration of future consequences.

[joeramabeme]

Skip

Thanks for publishing this.  I like your 5 categories as they provide, what I consider, more clearly defined traits that elude the formal DSM definitions.  I was so shocked, after having traveled to numerous therapists trying to figure out what was wrong in my marriage, to learn that it was BPD.  I have had the opportunity to revisit some of these therapists post-divorce to inform them of what had been going on only to be met with an analytic glaze of "what does this mean to you".  It was clear to me that it meant little to them or they simply thought I was playing Internet Doctor.

Information that is in this article and other resources here, provides so much of what is needed for so many of us that look to the mental health profession for answers that are just not forthcoming.  Hopefully the sound of this steady beating drum will eventually become subtly aware in the ears of these professionals and bring a wave of curiosity that lifts awareness and helps all those who have been impacted.

Thanks, JRB

[valet]

Detachment, disinhibition, and psychoticism were all major traits that affected the relationship.

Ex would give week long bouts of the silent treatment while confiding in other men on the Internet and ignoring me entirely, and suddenly snap out of these states and become a loopy, lost child. She could be lucid too, which gave me just enough room to explain these things away as moodiness or goofiness.

After the relationship ended the other traits started to come into prominence. She became very aggressive and blamed me for not being clear with my boundaries, even though it was clearly a double standard that she employed. When I started expressing my anger toward the failed relationship and the way she treated me, she again completely directed the blame at me and refused to accept any responsibility for her actions. I just cut off contact so I am still very angry at moments, although I don't direct this at my friends or anyone I encounter in my days if I can help it. It is very hard, but I finally feel like I can confidently say that this is over for me. Onwards and upwards. I wish her the best, but doubt she will ever seek proper treatment. Her loss, not mine. And not my responsibility.

This is a good thread Skip. I think that a lot of well meaning folks get stuck in their recovery because it is hard to resist blaming ourselves with such an intense idealization at the beginning of our relationships. A nice way to re-center ourselves and a reminder that it was not us that were 'the crazy ones'. We simply reacted as best as we knew how.

[lovenature]

The worst for me, and the main factor in me leaving the relationship, was her lying to me about a relationship with another man and then projecting her infidelity onto me. The cognitive distortion she displayed regarding faithfulness was very hurtful as well.

[Turkish]

I only saw the psychoticism manifest itself in the last 5 months she lived with me,  leading a double life.  I can't remember exactly what I said,  but she replied,  "what is reality?" She wasn't being snide or angry,  but sincerely asking me,  while most night nights leaving me with the kids to be with her lover.  She,  31, with a 21 year old guy; me,  41. I felt like she literally became a different person to attach to him.  

After she left,  she let her hair grow long,  looking younger. She always kept it short with me,  and she cut it short after we had our first child.  1.5 years later,  she suddenly cut it short.  A month later,  she shared with me that she went into a deep depression, similar to when she was pregnant with our second child.  That was bad.  Years later,  I had my T read the note she left on our computer the day I came home and found her almost in a fetal position on our bathroom floor.  He did,  "she needs to be hospitalized."

Since sharing that with me coming up on a year ago,  it's been non stop conflict with her husband.  They hide it well, kind of,  but she's told me things,  and this goes to the pervasive trait: Negative Affectivity vs Emotional Stability

I'm out.  I'm detached. And while this might not be entirely healthy, I still fill my role in the Daddy-daughter dynamic.  I've avoided being a target of her angerthrough Wisemind and boundaries.  Her H is a target (he deserves it,  but then I feel that he doesn't). Unfortunately,  the kids are,  too.  :)4 prayed the other night that she and S6 got ready faster both in the morning and also for bed at night so Mommy wouldn't yell at them.  Tonight in the Parenting class that we're both taking,  my ex admitted that the things in the class were helping her not to scream at the kids in the morning.  On the positive side,  I'll give her kudos for owning up to it and working towards identifying her triggers.  On the negative side,  it's sad that she's learning this in her mid 30s, but I guess she had no positive parental role models.

I'm not so sanguine on how much some tips from a class can help her overcome anger and emotional dysregulation issues that run deep (she's always refused her therapist's suggestion to try medication). I will,  however,  validate her efforts (it's not my job to "punish" her as a type of Punitive Parent,  as that script runs through her head resulting in shame), and support our kids the best that I can without alienating them from their mother.  

[Pretty Woman]

I would say all five listed. All would rear their ugly head at one time or another but especially Antagonism vs Agreeableness. That was the hardest thing for me to wrap my head around. One minute she was in love with me the next she wanted to kill me, have me arrested, I was garbage, Satan, you name it. The extreme swing from love to hate was something I couldn't fully grasp and maybe that's a good thing! Most people do not swing to those extremes within a five minute period!

I am an extremely rational person. I could not rationalize with her during these times. I am a good communicator and the person everyone comes to for advice or to talk them off a ledge when they are too close to a situation and need a voice of reason. I pride myself on being able to help people in that way and calm them when they are not thinking clearly and want to attack and react rather than sit with the situation for awhile and try to see other perspectives.

I know that my wanting to have her see other viewpoints (while never telling her she was wrong, respecting hers) she still saw me as violating and soliciting unwanted advice. It's like your sworn enemy, in that moment, trying to get you to see things their way.
She wanted to battle me to the death in those moments. It was letting a feral cat out of a cage into your living room.

I "get it" now. I didn't back then in the moment. Our was a very tumultuous relationship very similar to the one she had with a psychologist ex before me. It was fraught with conflict because we both tried to challenge her behavior... .
we didn't accept it. Was some of it our ego, likely... .but we are rational people and communicate for a living, our jobs involve us working with difficult people and helping them, with more success stories than failures. Subconciously, I was likely challenged by that and my insistence only made her world spin further out of control. To her family and friends it looked like I was making her crazy.

It took me awhile to realize I did not make her crazy, but I was definitely a trigger.

I think the hardest part is grappling with the fact I really meant well. There was no malicious intent involved. I loved this person. I saw people take advantage of her... .sexually, for money, etc. I wanted to help her.

But she never asked me to help her.
That's the key thing. She was NOT my responsibility, she was/is a grown woman. That was/is not my place.
I don't regret doing what I did at that time, I am growing just like everyone else, I did not know better. It does still sting though that this person sees me as a demon when I really cared about them and likely had their back more than anyone else in their life, but that is something I have to deal with.

[happendtome]

It does still sting though that this person sees me as a demon when I really cared about them and likely had their back more than anyone else in their life, but that is something I have to deal with.

I dont think she sees you as a demon, she may be afraid of you, that you saw through of her, that you tried to help her, but it may have been all too new for her and she didnt know how to react. So she detached. Deep in her heart she may value you highly.

[Pretty Woman]

Thanks for putting things in another perspective, Happenedtome. 

[Cat Familiar]

I am an extremely rational person. I could not rationalize with her during these times. I am a good communicator and the person everyone comes to for advice or to talk them off a ledge when they are too close to a situation and need a voice of reason. I pride myself on being able to help people in that way and calm them when they are not thinking clearly and want to attack and react rather than sit with the situation for awhile and try to see other perspectives... .I know that my wanting to have her see other viewpoints (while never telling her she was wrong, respecting hers) she still saw me as violating and soliciting unwanted advice.

Me too! I was amazed that my "strong suit" of being able to talk with people and help them understand their situation from a different perspective was a COMPLETELY WRONG STRATEGY for my husband and infuriated him. And when it didn't work the way it always had with other people, I just tried harder and ended up JADEing. He's such a rational and intelligent person when not dysregulated, it was incomprehensible that he couldn't analyze his thoughts and feelings when upset, but now I understand.

[Wolfsocks]

I voted for three:

1. Negative Affectivity: She was very emotionally unstable with anxiety and worry being the most dominant feelings. (at the end of our relationship this changed to rage and jealousy)

2. Detachment: She neglected her friends more and more. She neither wanted to invite them nor visit them because this would have forced her to change her daily routine. It was also impossible for her to enjoy her weekends (on vacation she slept most of the time). She was either working like crazy or having meltdowns out of boredom and feelings of emptiness and not "being productive" enough.

3. Antagonism: She was very entitled when it came to the people she considered "hers". From me she expected complete fidelity from the time I was a teenager. I wasn't allowed to be close to other people (even in a platonic way) and flirting, talking about intimate stuff was completely tabu. She, on the other hand, did not have to follow these rules (she was very flirty for example). So there was a huge double standard/ an expectation of special treatment. People that weren't hers were not liked by her. At all.